And it just keeps getting sadder.

My good friend Rebecca's elsdest son, Gabe, was killed in a car accident this afternoon. Please pray for her and the rest of her precious family.

Once again, no words.

Its s sad day.

A few weeks ago I requested prayer for my "baby" cousin Alex and her unborn baby, Emory. Sadly, Emory passed away yesterday just minutes after his birth. My heart is breaking for Alex and her mother, who are currently at a hospital in Dallas, TX. They travelled there in hopes that Emory would be able to undergo surgery on his little heart. I think they will remain in Dallas until Friday, until Emory can be cremated and brought back home to Georgia. Please lift this family up in prayer. I cannot begin to imagine going through something like this at only sixteen years old.

Despite everything, I still believe that my God has plans to make good out of everything His children endure.

No other words right now. Just praying for peace and comfort for my family.

Why I feel like poo.

I haven't been feeling well lately. Again. In fact, I haven't felt good since the whole Meningitis episode back in July. I finally took the advice of two of my friends and saw a new doctor this week. Dr French. I chose her because she uses a blend of traditional and homeopathic medicine....my kind of girl! We talked...and talked and talked about how I was feeling:

Irritability? Check!


Insomnia? Check!

Mood swings (despite the use of anti-depressants)? Check!


Fatique? Check!


Difficulty losing weight? Check!


Irregular/difficult periods? Check!


Body aches and pains? Check!


Hair loss? Check!


Anxiety? Check!


Feelings of depression (once again...despite the use of antidepressants)? Check!


Check! Check! Check!

Seriously. I "checked" every single one of the symptoms that Dr French threw out at me. Then she asked me questions about my life. I told her about my children and their special issues. About the homeschooling. About my marriage and what all Chris and I have overcome in the past. After the entire gory story of my life was out on the table, Dr French asked if I'd experienced any illnesses over the past year.

Well, yes. I had bacterial meningitis over the summer.

Dr French leans over her desk with the look in her eye. The look of pity. The look I've learned to deal with after seeing it multiple times a day when I was sick last summer. I winced while I waited for the "oooh, you poor thing" that everyone usually says.

But. Dr French makes eye-contact with me and begins educating me on the adrenal gland. About how when life's little stressers pop up, my adrenal gland should be releasing something...maybe cortisol?...to help me cope. And apparrentally it hasn't been doing its job.

Dr French's more simple explanation was, "Your adrenal gland has died. But it can be revived with hormones."

At this point, I had a question: "Will my hair grow back?" This may seem shallow, but I'm really depressed about how thin my hair has become. It used to be so thick it would take hours to dry. Now I can dry it in about 10 minutes. A few years ago, I had to use 2 ponytail scrunchies just to reign it all in. Now, I can hold all of my hair back with a single bobby pin. People are starting to notice, which bothers me a little. I guess with my thin hair, pale complexion, dark circles under my eyes, and general worn out appearence, I just look like someone who's sick. And I hate that. But it is what it is, and it can be fixed. At least its not permenant.

So, Dr French and I made a plan. Next week I go back for bloodwork and to drop off the kit containing my saliva test. Which is as gross as it sounds- trust me. Then, I'll wait 3 weeks for the results to come back. When they're back, I'll schedule an examination and appointment to go over the results of the tests, and to discuss which hormones I may need to fix the problems. These hormones, which are naturally derived from a yam, are said to work wonders on people with symptoms like mine. I guess you could say that I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm desperate to feel like ME again. I'm turning 30 next month...I don't want to do that feeling like an old granny!

So there you have it. Why I've been feeling like poo. Why I've been sleeping late, crying, watching my hair fall out by the handfulls, aching, and freaking out over the tiniest little things.

That stinkin' adrenal gland. I'm trying to remember who's really in controll here. And I'm praying for a complete healing.

Overwhelmed

I think we all (everyone who comes into contact with me on a daily basis) know that I'm a little emotional here lately. Maybe its a hormone problem. Maybe I need some vitamins. Who knows. I'm weepy and moody. And no, I'm NOT pregnant. I'm going to a new doctor soon to get it all straigtened out. But in the meantime, I feel like an absolute basket case.

Last week, I had a mini breakdown. At the park. Out in public. In front of my children. And the friends of my children. And the mom of the friends of my children. Thank goodness said mom is a good friend of mine. Otherwise, the situation would have been extremely awkward. Bwahahaha!

Anyway, while I was a blubbering, tearful mess, I tried to explain to my friend exactly how I felt about Shaun and all of his "issues". I think my exact words were:

"...its like a cycle. Most of the time I can handle things and they don't bother me. But sometimes its just....just...."

And then my sweet friend piped in with:

"...overwhelming?"

Yes. YES! Exactly. Sometimes...not all the time...but sometimes....I'm just plain overwhelmed. With everything. Not only by my children, but by everything. I'm coming out of a really tough week. I've had to confront people. Which I really, really do NOT like to do. We've had some financial...surprises. Not the good kind! I don't feel good. And my hair's falling out. Pretty depressing stuff. I guess I'm in a funk

We sang a song at church last Wednesday night about praising God even when things are tough. How praise will confuse the enemy. So that's what I'm trying to do- praising and praying that tomorrow and the coming week are better.

And starting tomorrow, I'm definitely going to follow the good example of some of my bloggy friends and post some "thankful" blogs. Promise. ")

Please Pray!

I have a prayer request today. Please pray hard for my cousin Alex and her unborn baby, Emory. Emory has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. As of right now, Alex is in the hospital where Emory can be monitored. They are waiting for amnio results, which should be back either tonight or tomorrow. From what I understand, the amnio is checking for genetic abnormalities. If no abnormalities are found, Alex and Emory could be eligible for an experimental surgery in Boston to repair Emory's heart valves in utero. Because this procedure is experimental, the doctors are picky about their patients, so they may decide not to take this case, even with positive amnio results. If the amnio tests postive for genetic abnormalities, I think the doctors will continue to monitor mom and baby until birth. The doctors are not giving the family very positive outlooks.

There are so many opportunities for miracles here! Please join me in praying for Emory's complete and total healing.

Passion

I realized today that, somewhere in the last few months, I've lost my passion. My focus hasn't been where it should be: on Jesus. Always straight on Jesus. This was in no way intentional. Life got in the way, I guess. I was sick for awhile and recovering was trickier than I thought it would be. Then it was *technically* time for school to start. I considered my current situation...headaches, lack of energy, drug-induced confusion and clumsiness...and Chris and I made the decision that school for our family would begin in September instead of August. And then we hit our knees and gave thanks to God for the benefits of homeschooling.

In September we hit the books hard and heavy. The kids were (and still are) learning lots and actually enjoying it enough to not cry about it too much. :) We had a schedule that gave us Fridays off, since we school year-round. Everybody loves this! We began attending a homeschooling co-op at church on Thursdays, which we all really enjoy. Everything was great. But it was also a lot of hard work. Getting lesson plans ready. Planning field trips and library visits. Shaun joined a dance team and is also taking karate again. Routines to learn! Oh! The nursing home ministry that our family is blessed to be a part of...together. We love it! But its also work...songs to choose and rehearse (along with rehearsing for the other 2 routines from other activities). Chris' guitar lessons and band rehearsals. Homework for School of Discipleship and keeping up with the reading for my small group.

I began to get really good at juggling everything! I was doing all of the above and still managing to keep the house decently clean, which is a major, major big deal for me. I was even on a Bible reading plan to read the New Testament in 30 days. But... I was on auto-pilot. Literally. Doing things without really doing them, if that makes any sense. Praying without thinking, reading without comprehending. Auto pilot.

Then, last night, my Hubs had the opportunity to lead worship for our church's middle school ministry. I had never attended one of these services and didn't really know what to expect, as this is a fairly new ministry at our church. I'm so glad that God orchestrated the events of our lives to allow me to be there last night. The message was about Jesus, and how He not only died for us, but because of us. Because of me. He knew each and every sin I would ever commit, and He died for me anyway. Of course, I technically knew this already, but lets just say that it had been quite a while since I had really meditated on it. Towards the end of the sermon, the pastor showed clips of The Passion of the Christ. I hadn't seen that movie in so long. While watching, I became overcome with gratitude for my Savior. And I wasn't the only one. The alter was full of middle school students making commitments to Jesus. It was a great night.

I left church last night with the correct perspective on life once again. And its so nice. Life has a way of taking my "best", and its so easy to lose focus on the important things. I've committed, once again, to not become so busy and wrapped up in my family that I lose sight of my Jesus. My Passion. I'm so grateful that He gives us second (third, fourth, fifth...) chances.

Patty

Today's been a hard day. Especially for Shaun.

This morning, the boys and I had plans to head to Wal-Mart with my sister. I was waiting for her to arrive to pick us up, when I heard an awful howling noise from outside. It was so loud and agonizing that I was sure a coyote had attacked an animal in the woods behind our house or something. Then my phone rang.

"Erin. I just ran over Patty", my sister whispered to me.

I jumped up from my chair, thinking "Oh my gosh, I can't believe our little dog made that horrible, loud noise". Thankfully, Shaun and Jordan were absorbed in their video game and didn't hear a thing. I walked out onto our car port and there was our little Patty...hobbling around, pulling herself with her front legs. Looking up at us with such sad eyes.

My sister had tears in her own eyes as she apologized profusely and begged me not to tell my boys that she was the one who did this to their dog. We decided to take her to the vet. I went inside and told Shaun and Jordan that Patty was hurt and needed to go to the doctor. We put her in a crate off we went.

When we arrived at the vet's office, we were ushered to an exam room...me, Shaun and Jordan, and my sister and two of her children. The doctor came in and took Patty to a back room to examine her. When she came back in, she informed me that something was definitely broken but x-rays were needed to see how severe the injuries were. She brought out a price list that totaled more than $600.

In a panic, I whispered how much we would need to pay today. I told her that I didn't have an extra $100, let alone $600. I talked to the office manager and we were working out a payment plan. Then, this sweet woman asked if she could talk to me in the hallway, away from the children. Once we were alone, she looked me in the eye and asked me if I was willing to pay that much money for a dog we had only had for a few months. She went on to say that the $600 was just a minimum of treatment costs...the total bill was likely to be closer to $1300. And, she went on-- it was likely that Patty would have to be put down anyway.

She proceeded to talk with me through my tears, suggesting that we may want to consider just having Patty put to sleep. I went outside to call Chris, who of course, left the decision up to me. While I was on the phone with him, a "God Thing" occurred.

The vet and nurse came outside onto the porch. They told me that, while Patty was in the treatment room, one of the technicians working on her had become attached. And...get this...this sweet woman became aware of our financial situation and offered to adopt our dog- and pay for all of her medical expenses. Wow. At first I was a little taken-aback. But then, when I considered it, it made the perfect solution. But- I still had to run it past Shaun. I brought him outside and told him what was going on. A heart-breaking conversation. He cried and cried. And so did I. But, proving once again that he is indeed growing up, he agreed to let the technician take his dog...as long as he could meet her first.

We went back inside and met with Bar. One of the sweetest, most compassionate people I've ever met. She was so good with Shaun, explaining that she lived on a huge farm and had a retired husband and several other dogs for Patty to play with. Plus, she worked at the vet's office, so all of Patty's injuries would be taken care of. She passed the test with Shaun, and we left the vet's office minus our little dog.

Jordan still doesn't understand what's going on. Shaun's still sad. So are Chris and I. I told Shaun that once our hearts don't hurt quite so badly anymore, we'll go to the Humane Society and pick out a different dog. He said he didn't think he'd be ready anytime soon. :(

So, that's been our day. My eyes are gritty from tears and my neck is tense from the stress. But even so, I've been amazed once again at how God takes care of us and provides us with everything we need.

Yes, today was definitely a "God Thing" day.

Prayer Requests and Praises

Readers, please remember my friend Rebecca and her family in your prayers tomorrow. This wonderful woman of God, along with her husband, answered God's call and obtained legal guardianship over 10 siblings a few years ago. In reality, they rescued these precious children-from preschool ages to 21- from their biological parents and the conditions in which they were being raised. Rebecca and her family will be going to court tomorrow to find out if they will be able to legally adopt these children or if the children will return to their biological parents.

I know for a fact that all children are thriving under Rebecca's care- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Please, please begin to pray for the wisdom of the courts, for the children, for the biological parents and for Rebecca and her husband.

Now, I have a praise! When I woke up this morning...okay, it was technically, this afternoon...my headache was gone! For the firs time in a month, I did NOT have a headache! This was huge! I called Chris to tell him the news. He replied with "That's great! I'm glad you feel good today". What he really meant was "Oh thank you, sweet Jesus, I won't have to take the kids to church by myself anymore!"

I remained headache-free until around 9:00. Now, its back, but I feel better since my "break" today. I feel as if I'm finally seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. Praise God!

Attacks

Satan's attacks. I'm tired of them. Especially his attacks on marriage. Just today, I heard news that 3 couples I know are either separating or divorcing. Three! In one day. And these are Christian couples, too. Each couple currently has or is expecting children. And their marriages are ending.

Its late. After midnight. And I've had a long day, so forgive me if this is jumbled and random and full of grammatical errors. But I have to write, because I'm mad. Fuming MAD at the devil. I. Hate. Him. I hate what he's doing to marriages.

The three couples I know? They're as different as night and day. They come from different steps on the social ladder. They are different ages. Have different interests. They do have one thing in common, though. The issue behind each separation is pornography. Yup. The big "P" word. I know, I know. These are Christians! Christians don't struggle with porn! Wrong!

A few weeks ago, I found one of those "read through the Bible" programs. This one goes through the Bible chronologically. I'm currently reading in Job. I read this passage earlier in the week. Job 1:6-7 from The Message Bible:

One day, when the angels came to report to God, Satan, who was the Designated Accuser, came along with them. God singled out Satan and said, "What have you been up to"? Satan answered God, "Going here and there, checking things out on earth".

Wow. Did you hear that? Satan is here...where WE are...checking things out. Checking US out! He knows our weaknesses. Our strengths. Our addictions. He hates marriage. He's out to destroy it. And he's using pornography to accomplish this goal.

I'm going to be completely honest. About 8 years ago, Chris and I struggled with this in our marriage. I know how this can rip a couple apart. The anger. The hurt. The distrust. Thank God, He delivered us from this and healed our marriage. It was hard. Touch and go for awhile. But we made it.

Anyway. I'm mad. I'm mad at the men (and women) who do this and think it doesn't affect their relationships. I'm mad at the devil, who took something meant for GOOD and twisted it into something sinful. I'm just plain mad.

He's gaining!

Weight, that is. Shaun's gaining weight. He's come a long way since last spring, when were were switching meds and having blood tests to see what was up with his weight loss. Since then, a lot has changed.

As most of you know, we've changed Shaun's (and our!) diet to accommodate his food sensitivities. This means that, for the most part, we are : wheat-free, milk-free, high fructose corn syrup-free, MSG free, food dye-free, white potato-free, grape-free, additive-free, preservative-free...and...medication-free! Since May. Yes, it has been tricky. And a pain. We've had screaming matches in the car over where we were NOT going to eat. And I'm sure I've hurt a few well-meaning people's feelings along the way. But it is so worth it.

He is a different child. He has self-control. He can control his anger. He no longer has seizures or mood swings. He isn't extremely hyperactive (most of the time! He's a boy...a little hyperactivity comes with the territory!) He's more out-going.

I wish Chris hadn't lost our camera cord so that I could post a picture of him. His skin tone is healthy. We can no longer count his ribs! He actually eats! His cheeks aren't sunken. He looks great! We've had to buy new pants because he couldn't button the old ones. What a wonderful problem to have, especially when I remember last spring, when he would literally not eat a bite all day long. He weighed 52 pounds back then. So skinny! I just weighed him and now he's up to...74 pounds!

He's healthy, too! Only one cold so far this winter. A huge improvement over winters past, when he'd have a runny nose and cough pretty much the whole winter. I'm so excited to take him in for his 10 year checkup in February. We haven't had the need to visit our doctor since May. I can't wait to see his reaction to all these improvements.

I owe it all to Dr Chris, our homeopathic specialist. And prayer. Of course prayer. I remember praying with Chris last spring for an answer. An answer that didn't involve adding new meds. We were literally watching our child waste away. I didn't realize just how bad he looked until a few weeks ago when I came across some old pictures. Anyway, we prayed hard for God's guidance on what to do. A few days later a friend gave me Dr Chris's name. We went for an appointment, and the rest is history.

I still have trouble believing that Shaun is on no medications and his "symptoms" are still being controlled. At one point he was on seven medications. SEVEN. No wonder he had no appetite! He was being treated for ADHD, Epilepsy, Bipolar Disorder, anxiety, and a sleeping disorder. Turns out the issues he was having were just reactions to certain foods.

Now, I know this may sound bad. But I'm so happy that those lablels are not attached to him anymore. I praise God for it every day. I also get irritated at doctors. Psychiatrists, especially. I don't understand why medication is always the first step in finding solutions for behavior disorders. My child is proof that there are better ways. More complicated ways, perhaps, but better for children. And parents....just because a doctor tells you your child needs medications does NOT mean that you have to do it! Especially psychiatrists. I had to learn this the hard way. Now, I know that some conditions do require medications, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. But sometimes, you need to go with your gut. I was told by our psychiatrist that Shaun would never be able to function normally without medication. And look at him now.

At the beginning of last year, I had started to research alternative solutions for behavioral issues. When I brought it up to Shaun's doctor, she laughed at me. That's right. She laughed and said that homeopathy was ridiculous and didn't work. If I had time, I would love to take Shaun for a visit. I wonder what she would have to say. But, I don't have the time to drive to Buford and wait three hours for a ten-minute appointment. So I'm thinking of sending her a letter instead. Nothing mean, just informative. But I probably will never find the time to do that, either!

So there you have it. I'm off my soap box now. But give me a little time and I'm sure I'll be right up back on it again!

Thursdays

On Thursdays, my hair will not be styled. I will most likely be wearing a hat with the brim pulled down over my face so that I'm somewhat unrecognizable. I will not be wearing makeup except what may be left over from the night before.

My clothes will be the same ones I wore to church the night before, if they're not dirty. I reason that since I only wore them a few hours the night before, this is okay.

There's a good reason for all this sloppiness: I'm just tired on Thursdays! Thursdays are our hardest days. We stay out late on Wednesday nights. We have church. Its 9 or 9:30 before we leave. Not because service is that long, but because we love our church family and spend time socializing afterwards. When we (finally) leave the building, we usually go eat. El Sombrero is our usual choice...the staff has come to expect us! We go with friends and eat and talk some more. Usually we close out the place.

We usually make it home around 10:30 or 11:00. Chris and I get the kids to bed. Chris goes to sleep himself. I do a load of laundry or read or Facebook because I'm too wired to sleep. I finally make it to bed, but then we have to be up and back at church for Shaun's performing arts class.

So, I'm tired. And maybe I'm a slacker, but I'd much rather spend an extra 30 minutes sleeping than drying my hair. That's just me. I used to stress about this. I even went so far as to try to rush home from church without interacting with anyone in order to get home and into bed earlier. But that doesn't work for us. We love our Wednesday nights. The kids do, too. So we're keeping things the way they are. We'll keep living it up on Wednesday nights and I'll keep looking disheveled and sleepy on Thursdays.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Breakdown

I had one today. Here's what happened:

We (Chris and I) were gathering up a truckload of junk to take to the landfill. When the truck was almost full, Chris said to me "Why don't you go into the laundry room and bring all those cans out?" Seems simple, right? I thought so, too. I went inside to the laundry room, and there they were.

The cans.

Jars would actually be a better word. Mason jars. Lots of them, full of canned vegetables. But not just any mason jars. My grandma's. I miss her. This seems kind of silly, now. The minute I saw them, a big lump lodged itself in my throat. These jars have been in my home since before we moved in, over 4 years ago. I walk by them, stacked neatly on their shelves several times every day while doing the wash. Stacked where Mamaw left them after canning season when she still lived here. When she was still alive.

Nevermind that the dates on the lids of the jars were from 2003. Nevermind that Mamaw herself had told me several times to throw those things out years ago. It still hurt. When I reached for the first jar and saw the date on the lid - Aug 4 2003- in her sweet squiggley handwriting, I lost it.

2003. Shaun was only 3 years old. We didn't live here then, but Shaun stayed here with his Mamaw while I worked. She had a garden every year. Shaun "helped" her with it. She loved taking care of him, and he loved her. She taught him so much and loved him so much. She showed him Jesus' love. Just like she did for me when I stayed here while MY mom worked.

Something about seeing her handwriting got to me, and it hit me all over again that she's gone. My grandma. My friend. My prayer warrior. I started crying and couldn't stop. I haven't cried like that over her in a long time. 6 months, at least. I called my mom, who offered to come over and take care of the jars for me. I refused, thinking I'd get it together eventually. And I did.

I miss her. I want her back.

But.

I know she wouldn't come back to us for anything. She's in Heaven, where she belongs. Loving every minute. What comfort to know we'll be there together one day.

I pulled it together and finished the task.

But I kept one jar. Its still on its shelf. Just to remind me.

Spiritual Warfare

Really. I'm so amazed at the prayers, phone calls, and encouraging words I've received this week in response to my previous post. I had no idea that so many people actually read this blog of mine. I'm humbled. I'm grateful. I'm blessed to have each of you in my life. And I have felt your prayers this week. Thank you!

Last week was...um...something else, to say the least. I've never gone through something like this before. And I'm nervous about writing about it now. Its gonna sound weird. But God brought me through it, and I feel like I need to share my experience. So here goes:

First of all, I need to be clear that I am a Christian. Jesus lives in me. I've been born-again, my sins are all forgiven, and I'm going to Heaven when I die. I'm sure of all this. But, about 2 weeks ago, something began to feel "off". Strange. I felt a presence around me 24-7. Not a good presence. It was extremely unnerving. It began to fill my head with thoughts. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it was almost like a whisper in my ear. I told you this was gonna be weird! For a week I listened to this "voice" tell me that:

I'm no good. I'm a horrible mother. I'm not capable of taking care of my children. I'm not qualified to homeschool my kids. I'm a horrible wife. My marriage was a mistake. My children were mistakes. My husband doesn't love me. I don't love my husband. We never should have gotten married. I'd be better off single. My children would be better off if I left. My parents would do a better job taking care of them than I do.

There were more, but those were the main thoughts going through my mind all day long. For a week. At first I just wrote it off as a bout of depression brought on by all the rain and gloomy weather. But then I started believing it. All of it. Crazy, I know. These thoughts consumed everything I did. I didn't eat. I didn't spend time with the kids. I didn't do housework. I neglected Chris. I began to resent the fact that I had a family, because it all just seemed wrong. I did go to church, but I wasn't "really there". I withdrew from everything. I wanted to be by myself all the time, and when I was alone, I would contemplate how I was going to break the news to Chris that I was leaving.

These feeling built and built. My mom sensed something was wrong and offered to watch the kids one night so that Chris and I could go out. I got really excited. Not because we were going on a date, but because I was finally going to be in a situation where I could tell him how I felt. And I did. Hence the "Regret" post.

Chris was hurt. Crushed is more like it. I will never forgive myself for causing him that kind of pain. We got back home and he told me he was going to sleep with the kids because he just didn't know what to say to me. So he did. I, on the other hand, did not sleep at all. I tossed and turned. I listened to the "voice" as it told me that what I'd done that night made me an even more horrible person than I was before. I cried and cried.

I started begging God to help me, and that's when it hit me: I hadn't prayed or read my Bible in over a week. I was astonished that so much time had passed since I had spent time with God. But it was true. I immediately started praying. Begging God to help me and forgive me for every false thought I'd entertained. Pleading with Him to restore the damage I'd done to my marriage. After I was done, I felt as if a boulder had been lifted off my chest. Things were going to be okay! I fell asleep around 4 a.m. and slept like a baby.

I didn't get to talk to Chris before he left for work the next day. I spent that day praying and taking stock of my life. How in the world could I have thought my children were mistakes? How could I have believed any of those lies for even one second? And oh goodness, what was I supposed to say to my husband. "I'm sorry" certainly wouldn't cover it.

I realized that I had been through spiritual warfare in its finest. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that the presence I felt was demonic. That I had literally been walking around with a demon whispering lies to me. I had been under attack. And it wanted to take my family down with me. The worst part is that I listened! I was ready to divorce my husband and leave my children. Crazy. That's when I got mad. Really mad. The devil and his little cohorts should have had no authority over me. I'd dropped the ball, big time. And I'd almost thrown everything away.

I went through my entire house praying. Denouncing any demonic presences. Telling them they had no authority over me, my family, or my marriage. My uncle, who was doing some repairs on the house, probably thought I was going nuts! I felt light as a feather. Better than I had in weeks.

I had to talk to someone, so I called one of my best friends and told her all about it. And she said "Wow, I knew something like that was going on. Your voice was different when I talked to you on Monday. We've been praying so hard". Wow.

And then Chris came home. We had a long talk. After apologizing again and again, I began the story with "Now I know you're gonna think I'm crazy..."

But he didn't. He'd known something was going on all week, too. When I told him I'd been harassed by a demon, his response was "Is it gone? Did you get it out of here?" Wow again. And- he forgave me.

So, that's been my life for the past 2 weeks. Weird, huh. I've never been through something like that, and I hope it never happens again. The devil knows our weaknesses and he'll use anything to betray us.

I was trying to think back to when this all started. I think it was a few weeks ago. The kids and I were having an awful morning. Shaun would not listen to a thing I said. He was being so difficult. And I vaguely remember wondering to myself what in the world I was doing. I was so busy that day that I didn't get my quiet time in. Ditto for the day after. And the day after that. Then the rain started. The weather always gets me down, and the kids get antsy when they can't go outside and get their energy out. I was so overwhelmed that day. And I believe that was all it took. The Bible tells us that Satan is "The father of lies". I believed it before, but I really believe it now!

But, like always, I made it through. God is good!

I feel the need to stress here that the devil is real. Demons are real. I know that some Christians don't like to think about this, but its true. The devil is real and he's after you. He knows you. He knows your habits, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Example: he definitely knows that self-esteem has never been my strong point. I really struggle with self-doubt. So, that awful morning when I began to second-guess my ability to homeschool gave him a way in. He's sneaky like that. And the fact that I was missing out on my "alone" time with God opened the door even wider.

I've learned my lesson. I know what's true: I'm doing what God has called me to do. With my kids, with my marriage. We're destined for great things. I will never take my eyes off Him again.

Regret

I said some things tonight that I regret. Hurtful things. If you know me, then you know that I am prone to "word-vomit" from time to time. And tonight, I really let it fly.

This is complicated. My emotions are swirling. I don't regret feeling the way I do, but I do regret making my feelings known. I pray I haven't done irreversible damage to an already fragile relationship.

Please pray for me.

Out of the mouths of 9 year olds

While driving home from Cleveland today, I overheard (or listened in on, if you really must know!) this conversation between my children, in the backseat:

Jordan: Is Mamaw dead?
Shaun: Yes, Jordan, she's dead.
J: Why? Who killed her?
S: No one killed her. She just got cancer. So she died.
J: But is she at the church?
S: No. Just her body's still at the church. In the ground. But her soul's up in Heaven. I'll be up
there one day.
J: Me too?
S: You'd better hurry and get saved, Jordan.

Even though I had to swallow the lump in my throat, I had to smile, too. Priceless!

There was a devil in my house...

...or at least there was a devil in my phone line.

A few nights ago, I was having an email conversation with a good friend of mine. A friend who I've been praying for for years. We were emailing about salvation. She had some questions and I was trying my best to answer them.

I had typed the best letter you've ever read explaining God's Plan of Salvation. This was harder than I expected. I take for granted the fact that I was raised in church and grew up having The Plan explained to me on a daily basis from the time I was a baby. I knew it had to be simple...I tend to over-complicate things and make them difficult to grasp.

So, there I was. In my bedroom, typing away, when it happened. My laptop lost its internet connection. I waited a few minutes and tried to connect again. I figured it was just the laptop having issues. But no. I still couldn't connect. Not only that, but my wonderful, God-breathed email was gone, too. Then Chris came in the room, asking if I had lost my internet connection. His connection upstairs had died, too. Apparently we were expecting an internet outage.

I cannot remember a SINGLE time this has happened since we've been living in our house.

I explained to Chris what I had been doing. We looked at each other and exclaimed : "The devil's in here!"

What else could it have been? Seriously. Which brought up another question in my mind: If Satan would go through that much trouble to keep me from sending that email, God must have SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL PLAN in store for my friend. I can just see it now. She WILL get saved, if she's not already. And if she HAS already been saved, then it won't be long before she rededicates her life and really begins to go after God. After that, there will be no stopping her. And that's got the devil scared. Real scared.

So, there was a devil in my house. Or at least in my phone line. But not to worry. We prayed him out. Our internet came back. I couldn't remember all of my letter, but a friend helped me out, and it was sent. So all's good.

Now I'll just sit back and watch what happens.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her/'>http://www.mycharmingkids.net">her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT force my 3 year old son to wear his female cousin's jeans out in public while we went to dinner the other night. This was NOT due to my neglecting to pack extra "accident clothes".

I am NOT seriously considering becoming a doula for some extra money.

I do NOT have a child with a 100 test average in math!

I love God and love going to church. I so look forward to church service on Sundays. So, there's NO WAY that I was so exhausted that I kept nodding off during yesterday's service. I also did NOT finally just get up and leave in the middle of the service, reasoning that I didn't know what Pastor was speaking about anyway. NOT ME!

I am a stay-at-home-mom and part of my job duty is keeping an orderly house. Therefore, I did NOT put off cleaning my bedroom for an entire year. That would be disgusting and unsanitary. And, because I did NOT wait so long between cleanings, I was NOT forced to spend my entire Labor Day cleaning my room. Nope! NOT ME!

Have a wonderful week!

They're perfect for me!

I had a rough day today. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe the kids were tired or bored. Or maybe I just need to send them to reform school. For whatever reason, my children were definite challenges today.

Shaun wouldn't listen. Or concentrate. Or obey. Or do any schoolwork without whining and crying. Jordan was just as bad. He cried. He whined. He pestered his big brother. And yes-- he pee'd in the floor. The home schooling daily schedule that I had so tediously planned out was slashed to smithereens as my kids tested and tried me in every way they could.

All of this, plus a bout of apparent PMS had me questioning everything. At one point, I was actually tempted to look up the phone number of Shaun's old elementary school and tell them that he'd be there tomorrow! I really felt like throwing in the towel with this whole home schooling thing.

Okay, so I knew going in that this wouldn't be easy. I knew beforehand (from trying to accomplish homework last year) that getting Shaun to hunker down and do some boring old school work was going to be tough. I knew he has trouble paying attention and would take longer to complete some tasks. I knew I would have to practice patience- lots of it!

I'll just have to start tomorrow!

We finally made it through the day and on to karate. During the drive my mind replayed our day. All the failures. All of my mistakes. Then the pity party began. I started again asking God all of the same old questions. Mainly, "Why can't my kids be like everyone else?"

Then came the answer. Right in my ear, clear as a bell, God whispered to me "They may not be perfect, but they're perfect for you."

Wow. How true. Now, I did NOT understand this to mean that my kids aren't perfect in God's eyes. Of course they are. My Heavenly Father just chose those words to communicate to me that He formed my two boys exactly the way He wanted my kids to be. And He thought we'd be a perfect match. My whole outlook on the day changed. What a humbling experience.

So, I'm heading into tomorrow with a new outlook. Of course Shaun's study habits and behaviors won't be perfect...but with God's grace we'll work around them and find what works perfectly for us.

The Strong-willed Child

This is my Jordan. Age 3.5 years. Otherwise known as The Strong-willed Child. He is younger brother to Shaun, who, until recently, held the title of Most Strong-willed Child in North Georgia. I have now passed this title on to Jordan. Don't let the meek, innocent look fool you. Although the J-Man is sweet, loving, and precious, he is also the PICTURE of a Strong-willed Child.

This hasn't all come about overnight. No, we've always known Jordan has a strong will. It just seems that the older he gets, the stronger his will becomes. I know a lot of this is related to the fact that he's a boy. And, in a way, I'm GLAD he's hyper-active and action packed. What mom wants a sissy-fied boy? Not me. But I also know that Jordan needs boundaries. Discipline. Extra attention. He needs to know who's boss and he needs to follow the rules. This is where we're having problems. Not the rules part- he knows the rules. He knows right from wrong. He just doesn't seem to care if he follows the rules or not- even though he gets punished for breaking them.

For example:

Wearing clothes. Jordan hates to wear clothes. Because he's a boy, and because he doesn't sweat, I do not insist that he wear a shirt when we're around the house. Underwear and shorts is fine with me. I lost count of the times today that I made him put his shorts and undies back on. I also lost count of the number of times I saw his naked bottom streaking though our house. We've spanked (using hands, belts, and hickories). We've used time-outs. We've taken toys away. And he STILL tries to get away with not wearing clothes.

Urinating in the floor. Yes, I actually said that. My potty-trained 3 year old pees in the floor. He's done it twice today. He knows that pee and poo go in the potty. He knows not to pee in the floor. After he did this today, I took him to his room, spanked him, and gave him a time-out. Then I asked him if he knew why he was being punished. He looked at me and said "Because I pee pee'd on the floor". I asked him if he knew where pee was supossed to go. His reply was "In the potty". What do I do? As I said before, he DOES get punished for doing this. He has received 2 HARD spankings today for this. He understands that its wrong, and if he does it he'll get punished. And he chooses to do it anyway.

These are just a few of the struggles we're dealing with. Now, what do I do about it? For sure, I'm praying. For Jordan and for myself. As I said earlier, a part of me is glad Jordan has a strong will. He'll need it as he grows older, to survive. Especially once he becomes a Christian. But he also must learn to respect authority and to follow rules. I know God has given me strong-willed children for a reason. Its my job to train them up. Its so scary to think about how the parenting choices I make will effect what kinds people my boys grow up to be.

I need to find the balance between breaking Jordan's will and disciplining him. I'm praying for answers that I know will come. In the meantime, I'm keeping on keeping on. And thanking God for blessing me with a wonderful, loving, hyper, mischievious, action-filled little boy. Times two!

Our Weekend

This weekend was fabulous. Oh, how I wish I could find the cable thingy for my camera. I'd love to post some pictures. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to break down and buy one.

Saturday: Went to visit my sister and her family at their campsite. On the way there, we stopped for ice at this store that is "The Home of the White Bat". Now, I have driven by this store so many times on the way to the mountains and I've always wanted to stop in and see the famous White Bat. I got my wish. I walked into the store and found a little black box with an eye hole thing under a sign that read something like "Look here to see the white bat. Shhh...the white bat and her babies are sleeping!" Barely able to contain my excitement, I skipped over and had a look-see into that black box and saw....are you ready for this? A large white BASEBALL bat surrounded by five or six smaller (baby) white BASEBALL bats. Wow. Even though my sister had already warned me about this, I was beyond disappointed. And then I had a good laugh. We went on to the campsite and had a wonderful time.

Sunday: We had a relatively calm Sunday morning, which doesn't often happen for us. We have to be at church at 7:30 am. We're not morning people. The devil really loves to use these things against us on Sunday mornings. Shaun and Chris were out until 2 am the night before. Jordan played his "sleep-fighting" game until 1 am. We all still had to be up by 6, and we made it out the door by 7 without any bloodshed or tears. Amazing! I was able to rearrange my schedule to be able to hear Chris lead worship and speak at Kidpak. He did a great job, as usual. Afterwards, we went out to lunch with some friends. We had a great time of fellowship with some old friends and we got to know some newer friends better. Nothing better than that. All of the children sat at one end of the table and behaved themselves- for the most part.

After lunch we went home and assembled Jordan's new bike. We watched him fly around on it for a while before we had to go back to church to pick up some things. After THAT, the boys were starving again and since we had practically no groceries in the house, we went out to dinner together. On the way home, I stopped at Kroger and picked up some groceries while everyone else waited in the truck.

Came home, and Chris and I put the kids in the bed and attempted to watch "Roxanne". This is an old 80's movie starrring Steve Martin. It was recommended to us and was supossed to be super funny, but I was super disappointed in it. So was Chris. About half-way through, we went to bed ourselves.

So there you have it. Our weekend. Nothing special. Just normal. The way I like it.