Overwhelmed

I think we all (everyone who comes into contact with me on a daily basis) know that I'm a little emotional here lately. Maybe its a hormone problem. Maybe I need some vitamins. Who knows. I'm weepy and moody. And no, I'm NOT pregnant. I'm going to a new doctor soon to get it all straigtened out. But in the meantime, I feel like an absolute basket case.

Last week, I had a mini breakdown. At the park. Out in public. In front of my children. And the friends of my children. And the mom of the friends of my children. Thank goodness said mom is a good friend of mine. Otherwise, the situation would have been extremely awkward. Bwahahaha!

Anyway, while I was a blubbering, tearful mess, I tried to explain to my friend exactly how I felt about Shaun and all of his "issues". I think my exact words were:

"...its like a cycle. Most of the time I can handle things and they don't bother me. But sometimes its just....just...."

And then my sweet friend piped in with:

"...overwhelming?"

Yes. YES! Exactly. Sometimes...not all the time...but sometimes....I'm just plain overwhelmed. With everything. Not only by my children, but by everything. I'm coming out of a really tough week. I've had to confront people. Which I really, really do NOT like to do. We've had some financial...surprises. Not the good kind! I don't feel good. And my hair's falling out. Pretty depressing stuff. I guess I'm in a funk

We sang a song at church last Wednesday night about praising God even when things are tough. How praise will confuse the enemy. So that's what I'm trying to do- praising and praying that tomorrow and the coming week are better.

And starting tomorrow, I'm definitely going to follow the good example of some of my bloggy friends and post some "thankful" blogs. Promise. ")

He's gaining!

Weight, that is. Shaun's gaining weight. He's come a long way since last spring, when were were switching meds and having blood tests to see what was up with his weight loss. Since then, a lot has changed.

As most of you know, we've changed Shaun's (and our!) diet to accommodate his food sensitivities. This means that, for the most part, we are : wheat-free, milk-free, high fructose corn syrup-free, MSG free, food dye-free, white potato-free, grape-free, additive-free, preservative-free...and...medication-free! Since May. Yes, it has been tricky. And a pain. We've had screaming matches in the car over where we were NOT going to eat. And I'm sure I've hurt a few well-meaning people's feelings along the way. But it is so worth it.

He is a different child. He has self-control. He can control his anger. He no longer has seizures or mood swings. He isn't extremely hyperactive (most of the time! He's a boy...a little hyperactivity comes with the territory!) He's more out-going.

I wish Chris hadn't lost our camera cord so that I could post a picture of him. His skin tone is healthy. We can no longer count his ribs! He actually eats! His cheeks aren't sunken. He looks great! We've had to buy new pants because he couldn't button the old ones. What a wonderful problem to have, especially when I remember last spring, when he would literally not eat a bite all day long. He weighed 52 pounds back then. So skinny! I just weighed him and now he's up to...74 pounds!

He's healthy, too! Only one cold so far this winter. A huge improvement over winters past, when he'd have a runny nose and cough pretty much the whole winter. I'm so excited to take him in for his 10 year checkup in February. We haven't had the need to visit our doctor since May. I can't wait to see his reaction to all these improvements.

I owe it all to Dr Chris, our homeopathic specialist. And prayer. Of course prayer. I remember praying with Chris last spring for an answer. An answer that didn't involve adding new meds. We were literally watching our child waste away. I didn't realize just how bad he looked until a few weeks ago when I came across some old pictures. Anyway, we prayed hard for God's guidance on what to do. A few days later a friend gave me Dr Chris's name. We went for an appointment, and the rest is history.

I still have trouble believing that Shaun is on no medications and his "symptoms" are still being controlled. At one point he was on seven medications. SEVEN. No wonder he had no appetite! He was being treated for ADHD, Epilepsy, Bipolar Disorder, anxiety, and a sleeping disorder. Turns out the issues he was having were just reactions to certain foods.

Now, I know this may sound bad. But I'm so happy that those lablels are not attached to him anymore. I praise God for it every day. I also get irritated at doctors. Psychiatrists, especially. I don't understand why medication is always the first step in finding solutions for behavior disorders. My child is proof that there are better ways. More complicated ways, perhaps, but better for children. And parents....just because a doctor tells you your child needs medications does NOT mean that you have to do it! Especially psychiatrists. I had to learn this the hard way. Now, I know that some conditions do require medications, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. But sometimes, you need to go with your gut. I was told by our psychiatrist that Shaun would never be able to function normally without medication. And look at him now.

At the beginning of last year, I had started to research alternative solutions for behavioral issues. When I brought it up to Shaun's doctor, she laughed at me. That's right. She laughed and said that homeopathy was ridiculous and didn't work. If I had time, I would love to take Shaun for a visit. I wonder what she would have to say. But, I don't have the time to drive to Buford and wait three hours for a ten-minute appointment. So I'm thinking of sending her a letter instead. Nothing mean, just informative. But I probably will never find the time to do that, either!

So there you have it. I'm off my soap box now. But give me a little time and I'm sure I'll be right up back on it again!

What's for lunch?

I begin hearing these words around 10:00 am every day. Months ago, I had a ready-made answer: Sandwiches!

But not anymore. Shaun's wheat allergy has changed all that. Oh, I tried to keep making sandwiches work as a suitable lunch. I bought the rice bread. The rice bread that's really thick and dry and gritty. And costs 4 dollars for one small loaf. And that the kids wouldn't eat. So, no more sandwiches for us.

During the summer, I would cook a great meal for my boys at lunch time. Then, when our home school year started, I realized that I was wasting over an hour of my precious time cooking and cleaning up. Since my children still need to eat, despite how crunched for time I am, I came up with some quick, simply recipes that my children love. They're healthy, and I don't have to give the kids anything they shouldn't be eating. I'm really quite proud of myself. Here they are:

Mexican Beans and Rice (I made up this title)

white rice (kids are allergic to the brown)
black beans
salsa
Monterey Jack cheese

I just mix it all together and then top the mixture with some additional cheese. Then I bake it for awhile and its done. The kids eat this like its going out of style. I make a big casserole dish full, so we can eat on it for at least 2 days.


Pizza

Bob's Red Mill Gluten/Wheat Free pizza dough
flax mill and water (as an egg substitute for the dough)
tomato sauce (made without high fructose corn syrup)
ground beef
onion
Mozzarella cheese

I just make the dough, sautee the beef and onion, spread the sauce, sprinkle the cheese and bake. One bag of Bob's Red Mill dough mix is enough for 2 huge pizzas. So, once again, we can eat this meal for more than one day. The great thing about this dough is that it tastes almost like thin-crust dough made from what. Its actually pretty good. And again-- my boys eat it like its going out of style.


Veggies and Mac and Cheese

2 boxes of rice mac and cheese mix
green beans (fresh or canned)
crowder peas or black eyed peas
any other kind of vegetable I have in the house

Mac and cheese has been a favorite food of Shaun's since...um...I guess since he could eat. Ditto on the crowder peas. My granny has fed him crowder peas from her garden since he was about 9 months old. They're delicious and full of protein. I was so thrilled to find boxes of quick mac and cheese made from white rice noodles. Just like Kraft, only the kids can eat it. Its also really good. You can detect a difference in the noodles. Not a bad difference, just a difference. I also mix in some ground flax seed for additional nutrition. Served with vegetables, this is a quick and nutritious meal.


There you have it. What we've had for lunch this week. Not quite as easy as slapping some ham and cheese sandwiches together, but not too difficult either.

They're perfect for me!

I had a rough day today. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe the kids were tired or bored. Or maybe I just need to send them to reform school. For whatever reason, my children were definite challenges today.

Shaun wouldn't listen. Or concentrate. Or obey. Or do any schoolwork without whining and crying. Jordan was just as bad. He cried. He whined. He pestered his big brother. And yes-- he pee'd in the floor. The home schooling daily schedule that I had so tediously planned out was slashed to smithereens as my kids tested and tried me in every way they could.

All of this, plus a bout of apparent PMS had me questioning everything. At one point, I was actually tempted to look up the phone number of Shaun's old elementary school and tell them that he'd be there tomorrow! I really felt like throwing in the towel with this whole home schooling thing.

Okay, so I knew going in that this wouldn't be easy. I knew beforehand (from trying to accomplish homework last year) that getting Shaun to hunker down and do some boring old school work was going to be tough. I knew he has trouble paying attention and would take longer to complete some tasks. I knew I would have to practice patience- lots of it!

I'll just have to start tomorrow!

We finally made it through the day and on to karate. During the drive my mind replayed our day. All the failures. All of my mistakes. Then the pity party began. I started again asking God all of the same old questions. Mainly, "Why can't my kids be like everyone else?"

Then came the answer. Right in my ear, clear as a bell, God whispered to me "They may not be perfect, but they're perfect for you."

Wow. How true. Now, I did NOT understand this to mean that my kids aren't perfect in God's eyes. Of course they are. My Heavenly Father just chose those words to communicate to me that He formed my two boys exactly the way He wanted my kids to be. And He thought we'd be a perfect match. My whole outlook on the day changed. What a humbling experience.

So, I'm heading into tomorrow with a new outlook. Of course Shaun's study habits and behaviors won't be perfect...but with God's grace we'll work around them and find what works perfectly for us.

I WILL overcome

I've been down lately. I hesitated to write about this, but I know I'll overcome it and wanted to have something to look back on. When I do. Overcome this, that is. And I know I will, because God's promises are "Yes" and "Amen". Thanks, Pastor Richie!

What's got me down? Life, in a nut shell. Shaun is still hyper, Jordan won't obey, Chris has been working (and working and working) and traveling, I can't get the house cleaned, the yard looks like crap, I'm tired of worrying about money, I'm tired of feeling unappreciated, I'm tired of feeling as though my kids are being compared to others, I'm tired of this special diet we're trying with Shaun-- even though we haven't officially started it yet, and (warning: this is REALLY selfish) I'm tired of everyone making such a big fuss over my husband. Seriously. People at church act as if he hung the moon. And I'm stuck at home dealing with this mess. While he travels across the country and gets told over and over how awesome he is. And, to top it all off, he just got home from his last trip, came up and started telling me about his plane ticket was updated to first class last night. Yay for him.

Okay, I don't want to sound bitter. At least not TOO bitter. The point is, he IS awesome. He has amazing talent, he's a wonderful worship leader, and there's no doubt in my mind that he's doing exactly what God wants him to do. Which means that I'm doing what God wants ME to do-- supporting him and making it possible for him to work his ministry. But its tough here at home in this season we're in with the kids. I know God has it all worked out and He's going to use Shaun (and Jordan, too) for His glory. I sincerely believe there will be a day, if the Rapture doesn't happen first, that I will be able to look back on all of Shaun's accomplishments and say..."Wow. Lord, you really knew what you were doing all along. How foolish I was to freak out over silly things like medical reports and psychologicals".

I know the devil is a liar. I know its him whispering in my ear all day long that : I'm a failure with my kids; my kids will never succeed in anything; I'm a crappy wife and my marriage will never withstand the pressures that its under; my family's finances will never be cleared up; there's no way we can afford to eat the way we need to eat for Shaun's allergies; this diet won't make a difference, so he'll have to go back on medication anyway, so we'll be better off to go ahead and medicate; I'll never break free from my food addiction; I'll always have weight problems; I'm terrible because I can't manage to keep my house cleaned; I'm never going to be able to home school a child with a learning disability; its so unfair that Chris gets to go out and get all kinds of glory and attention; Chris doesn't appreciate me; I should just leave him and let him see how far he'd get without me; my family is disappointed with me; everyone is judging me; and no one understands what I'm going through.

Like I've said before, I know these are lies. So I'd like to take this moment to say: "SHUT UP, SATAN! GET OFF MY BACK. YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME, MY LIFE, MY CHILDREN'S LIVES, MY HEALTH, MY KIDS' HEALTH, MY MARRIAGE, OR ANY OTHER THING YOU MAY BE PLOTTING AGAINST ME.

There now, that feels so much better! Now that he's under my feet, I can get on with my day.

Missing the Vyvanse

Shaun has been without his ADHD meds for over a week now, due to some mix-ups with the doctor's office over getting his prescription mailed to our house.  Supposedly it was mailed this past Thursday, but we still don't have it.  And we're all struggling.  Okay, I admit that he's doing better than I thought.  He was able to sit quietly through 3 church services last week.  But homework is a nightmare.  It literally takes him over an hour to write 8 spelling words 3 times each.  And don't get me started on the math.  

Please, please, Vyvanse, please come in the mail tomorrow.  I don't want to have to go ballistic at the doctor's office on our visit this Wednesday.  Vyvanse, my family and I miss you and didn't realize until  now how wonderful you really are.  

Okay, now I feel silly. 

Bring on 2009

So, 2008 is winding down.  Only a few more weeks.  Thank God. I 've been doing some thinking over the past few days.  I thought last year was  bad, but I can honestly say that 2008 has been worse.  It has sucked, and frankly, I'm glad to see it go.  

I remember this time last year.  I was pumped and excited, ready to take on the 30 Day Fast in January.  I was so certain that taking the time to fast and pray would turn things around and that I would indeed "Have a Great 2008".  Not so much.  Instead, this year has been the worst year of my life, so far.  I have lost relatives, lost friendships, seen my children suffer, and have cried myself to sleep to many times to count.  I have been disappointed in my marriage and have watched my finances suffer.  

Last week I had this thought "If this is what fasting gets me, I'm better off without it".  Really.  I prayed and fasted for my grandmother's healing.  She passed away anyway. I prayed for my Uncle Jeff's physical healing.  He passed away, too.  I prayed for physical and emotional healing for Shaun.  He's no better.  I fasted for my family's finances.  Don't get me started on this issue!  The list of disappointments list on and on.  

We're talking about the upcoming Fast at church already, and my initial decision was to just blow it off this year.  Then, I had a revelation.  First of all, God commands us to fast.  So Christians should fast, regardless of whether or not we reap any "benefits" from it or not. Secondly, I had the wrong idea about the fast in the first place.  Fasting is new to me.  I incorrectly assumed that if I fasted and prayed, nothing bad would happen and all the wrongs in my life would be corrected.  WRONG!  Bad things are going to happen.   That's life.  Once I realized this, I had a whole new perspective.  I started thinking about the GOOD things that happened this year.  The less obvious stuff.  This is what I found:

 1.  I lived through this year!  That is huge, considering all that has happened.  I lived through it and I'm still in one piece!  And I did it even after weaning myself from my Zoloft!

 2.  My marriage is stronger than it has ever been.  

 3.  I am closer to my family.

 4.  I have a better appreciation for life- I do not take it for granted anymore.

 5.  My faith has increased greatly.

 6.  I am closer to God than I have ever been before.  

 7.  My oldest son was Saved this year. 

 8.  His grades have improved.

 9.  I have become more content with what I have (and what I don't have).

10.  I have seen God use a tragedy to pull my family together.

11.  I have learned to comfort.

12.  God has given me the grace to forgive those who I once considered unforgivable.  

These are just a few.  I am really blessed, and I thank God for opening up my eyes.  I am still ready for 2009, though.  I can't wait to see what He's gonna do! 

Moods

I've been in a weird mood all week.  A terrible mood is more like it.  I'm not sure why.  I feel the way I feel when I don't take my Zoloft, but I AM taking my Zoloft.  Finally broke down and made an appointment with a psychiatrist.  Unfortunately, she can't see me until October.  So I'll try to make it until then.  

Tomorrow we're having "Easter" lunch at Granny's.  We never got around to having our get together last spring because of Jeff and Mamaw being sick.  Its gonna be weird.  It'll be nice to be together, though.  

Jordan has been on a new kick lately.  We put him to bed.  He gets up and plays and takes off all of his clothes, including his diaper.  Then when he gets tired he gets in bed, minus his diaper, and of course wets the bed during the night.  We've tried everything- even putting him in a onesie.  He still finds a way out.  Guess he just loves to be naked.  Weird.