Hello From Home

Well, hello!  It's April.  The year was flying by and then, BAM.  

COVID-19 hit and now it's crawling by.  It's April 8th, which means we've been "sheltering in place" for going on 4 weeks now.  I remember when all the craziness started...  It was March 12th.  A Thursday.  My kids and I were having another crazy, hectic day.  Chris went to work.  Shaun went to school.  Jordan, Violet, and I did some schoolwork and then went to run errands.  It just so happened that it was time to buy toilet paper.  The younger kids and I went to Sam's almost specifically for this purpose, but guess what?  They were all sold out.  Sam's Club was a madhouse.  I mean, people everywhere.  Buying all of the bleach and toilet paper.  We found the few other things we came for and waited in line about 30 minutes to check out.  It was crazy!  Jordan's piano lesson had been moved to Thursday afternoon, so I was stressing that our Sam's trip was taking so long.  We made it to the lesson and then I rushed Kroger to get groceries.  I was in a hurry because Violet had soccer practice and I had to work, both starting at 6.  I had spoken to Chris a few hours earlier and he had told me that the leaders of our church (where he works) were considering calling it off for the next Sunday.  We hardly ever cancel church, so I just wrote it off.  But, as soon as I walked in to Kroger, right there in the produce aisle, my phone rang and I was informed that I didn't have to work that night after all because choir practice was cancelled... because of the virus.  

Okay, so that wasn't so bad because now I'd be able to be at soccer practice.  I bought groceries, which was a task because, like Sam's everybody was in there buying up all of the stuff.  Again.  By the time we were done I barely made it home in time to unload everything before I had to load everyone up in the car again head out to practice.  Oh, Jordan also had baseball practice.  Shaun had choir practice, but it was cancelled, so he went with Jordan.  Violet and I went back to Gainesville to meet up with Chris and head to soccer.  

Soccer was fun.  Chris was coaching again and all the parents seemed nice.  It would turn out to be our only practice.  :(

Later that night we learned that schools were being called off for... 1 week?  2?  I can't remember but now the school year is over and all of those kids are learning from home for the rest of the year.  I really do feel for all of the parents who were forced into at-home learning.  It can be quite an adjustment.  After that, everything just sort of shut down.  Soccer season, baseball, church.  Co-op classes, the YMCA, playgrounds, clothing stores.  

So, for the most part, we've been hanging out at home, all together.  This time has been hard on us because, even though we homeschool, we are rarely home.  Our days are usually packed with all of us running in different directions in the evenings.  Now, we're home.  Chris is still working, thank God.  I'm so grateful for his job.  He's doing a lot from home but has to go in a few times a week.  Shaun is doing his college work via Zoom.  Jordan and Violet are trucking right along with their schoolwork.  But, surprisingly, it isn't all that terrible.  We've caught up on our rest.  We've cleaned and organized things that we never had the time to do in the past.  I'm cooking more healthy meals.  We are spending time together.  I've grown closer to the Lord because I've joined about a million on-line Bible studies.  Life is simple.  

The fact that life is terrible for many people right now is not lost on me.  I know people are sick and dying.  I  know people are losing their jobs.  Even those who have been fortunate enough to keep their jobs are faced with uncertainties that they've never known before.  I mean, even going to the grocery store can kill you.  

I am no stranger to worry.  I struggle with anxiety and usually always imagine the worst possible outcome of any situation.  But this time, I'm surprisingly calm.  I'm concerned, yes.  But there's no panic in my heart.  I'm walking with a peace that can only come from the Lord.  I can't watch the news.  I can't listen to all of the conspiracy theories and statistics of this virus.  If I did, I know my mind would spiral out of control.  If I spiral, my whole house spirals.  So, I take precautions.  I've shielded myself from people who are panicking.  I pray a lot more.  I quote lots of scripture.  And I watch a lot of entertaining TV.  Tiger King, My 600 Pound Life.  And I'm making my way through the Twilight movies again.  I share funny memes.  I pray a lot.  I go for long walks.  Anything to keep my mind from spiraling.  It's working for now and I'm so thankful.  

 

Trust God and Do Good

I know that I'm late to this game, but Joyce Meyer is becoming a favorite of mine.  Many of my friends are shaking their heads at me and muttering, "I told you so" because in the past I have not been very quiet about how I didn't care for her.  Why?  I don't really  remember, but I think that sometime, long ago, I heard someone say that her teachings weren't Biblical.  I added to this the fact that her voice drives me insane and I threw Ms Meyer out of the circle of people I allowed to minister to me. 

Fast forward twenty years.  One of my good friends gifted me a copy of Battlefield of the Mind.  I grudgingly accepted the gift, but not before I let my friend Jennifer know that I didn't care for Joyce.  Jennifer told me to read it anyway.  So I did.  And it was life-changing.  If you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, negative feelings, basically anything at all... you should read this book. 

Lesson learned.  A short time later, my friend Dana gifted me another copy of The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word.  (Thank you, Lord, for putting these women in my life.)  I keep this book in a makeup bag in my purse so I can whip it out every time I need to combat one of my "feelings" with scripture.  Again, life-changing.

It's January and my family has been fasting along with our church.  I've been trying to fill my mind with positive messages during this time, so I turned on a Joyce Meyer podcast in the car the other day.  I was listening to a series about having trust in God and she kept saying the words "Trust God and Do Good".  How simple, but how true.  When you're mad and upset.  When life is not fair.  When you're sad and crying and frustrated with your teenager... just trust God and do good.  When your college student acts like an entitled brat... trust God and do good.  When your seven year old has a dramatic tantrum and you want to run away and hide from all the madness...trust God and do good.  

I've been trying to remember to repeat this phrase to myself when one of these little situations presents itself to me.  Before I open my mouth to yell and become "Monster Mom", quietly whispering "Trust God and do good" to myself has really been helping me parent my children in a way that's better for all of us.  My family is complicated, like most families are.  We have three kids in three different stages of life with a few extra issues thrown in.  Most days I feel like I'm in some kind of sick reality show or a social experiment on mental health.  But God knows what He's doing, even when I forget that He knows what He's doing and try to do everything my way.   

Trust God and do good.  I am a mom.  My children are my responsibility.  Sometimes I look at them and cry because I love them so much.  Other times I look at them and cry because I think I could kill them with my bare hands and what kind of person feels that way about her own children?  Trust God and do good.  "Doing good" by my children does not mean yelling and losing my temper on a daily basis.  Yes, they may deserve it, but what good does all the yelling really do?  In our family, it makes things worse.  So lately, quietly muttering "Trust God and do good" through my clenched teeth before I respond to whatever chaos I'm dealing with has really helped all of get along better.  No, I don't remember every time, but I'm getting better.  

I certainly am not qualified to give out spiritual or parenting advice, but this was on my heart today and I felt like I should share.  

Until next time, 

Trust God and do good!

 

11:00 Ramblings

It's 11:20 p.m.  Time to sleep, but I'm wound up!

The kids and I spent some time outside today and it was so good for our souls.  The weather was beautiful today, but the rain is supposed to be back tomorrow.  Or so I read.  We'll see.

I had work tonight, so it was late when we got home.  It's also the beginning of January, so we're fasting.  I was SO hungry when we got home at 10:00.  Chris brought a salad home for my dinner.  Then I had some Smart Food popcorn.  I finished the day with 2 WW points left.  

I joined WW.  Again.  It has gone horribly so far.  I gained .8 pounds since I started before Christmas, which I realize isn't terrible.  Today has been the first day that I haven't started out well and then blew it at dinner.  I celebrate this.  

Sometimes I look at my kids and feel so proud of them that I could burst.  And then five minutes later I want to strangle them with my bare hands to shut their smart mouths.  Anyone else?!?!?

I'm currently reading My Sunshine Away by M.  O.  Walsh.  It is mildly good.  Barely holding my interest but I do want to see how it ends, so....

I've also started a reading plan for the New Testament.  

I've become obsessed with true crime podcasts and now my paranoia has increased.  I trust no one and I find myself being more observant so that I can be a helpful witness if a crime is ever committed and I find myself being questioned by the police.  

I'm wondering if Netflix is even worth it anymore, since Friends is gone.  If they get rid of The Office, our relationship is over.  

 I only drank water today.  

When my husband told me to start writing again, I don't think this is what  he had in mind. 

 

Writing Again

My husband and I were riding alone in the car the other day, which is a rare occasion, and out of the blue he asks why I never write anymore.

Why don't I ever write anymore?

First of all, I'm tired.  Secondly, no one writes blogs anymore.  Vlogs, maybe, at least according to my YouTube-obsessed seven year old.  But I hate having my picture taken and I hate being video'd even worse.  

I asked Chris why he cared that I had gone many, many months without an entry here.  (I was really grouchy... it was late and we had been out Christmas shopping for most of the day.)  His response?  That I liked doing it and he liked reading it.  

So there you go.  This is all I've got for tonight, but my plan is to be spending more time on this out-of-date blog of mine.  

See you soon. 

From Last May

This post is from last May, almost exactly a year ago.  I posted over on my private page at that time, but re-read it tonight and I thought someone else might need to hear my point of view.  So here goes...

 

 

It's been awhile since I've been here.  I have lots to say, on this private blog.  Ha!  For tonight, though, I want to write about this weekend.  I bought Violet a unicorn float to take to the pool at the YMCA.  As it turned out, she (the float) was too big for the pool, so we took her to the lake a few days later.  No big deal, except for the fact that I've gained weight.  A lot of it.  That's for tomorrow's post, though. 

 

haven't worn my swimming suit since we were at the beach last October.  It still fit, but I stayed in my room and cried for 30 minutes after I saw myself in the mirror.  I determined that there was no way in HELL that I was going to be seen in any kind of bathing suit until I lost some weight.  I almost stayed home, but Chris made me get in the car.

 

We got to the lake, and surprisingly, I wasn't the fattest person there.  I still wasn't swimming, though, and sat on the shore in the scorching sun with my clothes on over my suit and watched everyone else swim.  After a while, Violet came out of the water and asked me to swim with her.  I looked at her little face and said, okay, I'd swim.  Ya'll.  She was so happy.  She jumped up and down and screamed with joy.  Just because I said I'd swim with her.

 

I realized some things that afternoon:

  

1.  I may be overweight, but my kids don't care.  They love me and want to have fun.  That's it.

 

2.  No one at that lake really cared what I looked like anyway.  I was so self-conscious and literally didn't see anyone cast a second glance at me.  

3.  I've lost out on a LOT of good experiences because I was too embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  Not only me, but my kids lost out on having a mom to play with.  This hurts my heart.

 

So.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to love myself the way I am.  No matter how much I weigh.  No Body Shame, and all that.  Now, does this mean that I need to totally give up on getting healthy?  Absolutely not.  But being fat is not a reason to miss out of life.  

More later. 

..................................

We went back to that same spot on the lake this past weekend.  I'm still the same size as I was last summer, which is disappointing- but not really surprising-, but I didn't miss out.  I swam with my family and felt refreshed for the first time in a week.  

 

Mamas...seriously.  Your kids don't care what you look like.  All they care about is spending time with you.   Believe me when I say that you will regret sitting out at the lake or pool in a few years.  

 

I know its hard for some of us, but love yourself where you are.  You are a child of God, after all. 

 

   

WW

Well, here I am again.  Trying to lose weight.  Honestly, it's not even about how much I weigh (which is a whole lot).  It's about being healthy and feeling better.  I feel terrible.  Hot all the time.  Tired all the time.  I can't paint my own toenails.  I'm out of control with my eating.  Basically, the same thing I've been writing about since 2010.  

That's a long time.  

Too long.  My oldest son is 19 years old, and I've been fat his entire life.  

At the end of last year, I had some minor complications with my heart.  Basically, my cardiologist told me that the issue is entirely dependent on my blood pressure.  I need to keep it low, so I'm on two medications for it.  He also told me that I need to lose weight and suggested I try a variation of Keto, but minus all the high fat.  I have failed drastically.  Almost 6 months later, and I weigh the same, if not more.  

A few  months ago, I was feeling frantic and just desperate for a solution.  On a whim, I signed up for Weight Watchers...er, WW.  Did you know that Weight Watchers isn't Weight Watchers anymore?  They have rebranded themselves as WW. Wellness Wins.  The plan has changed a lot since I had first tried it almost 20 years ago.  It's clean eating.  Low carb if I limit fruit.  Pretty much spot on with what my cardiologist wants me to do, but I do have some flexibility.  So I signed myself up for 6 months on the online program.  For the past few months, I've paid Weight Watchers  WW $20 for absolutely nothing.  

No more.  I started today AGAIN, and I'm documenting it here in hopes that it will hold me accountable.  If I write it, I must do it, right?  Let's hope so.  

Jeff

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy (as usual) and I've been somewhat emotional (more than usual).  Last week was Spring Break, and I just needed some good news, some encouragement, SOMETHING to let me know that I'm on the right path and haven't royally screwed my children up by schooling them at home.  It was just one of those weeks.  I know you know.  

The kids and I made a trip to Walmart to pick up a birthday present and, on the way back home, they all three wanted to stop at the park.  I really needed to get home so that I would have time to wash my hair and look presentable for church that night, but it is such a rare occurrence to have all three of my kids want to do the same thing at the same time, and the weather was so beautiful.  I said YES to the park.  

The boys went to throw the baseball, Violet ran to the swings, and I went to sit in the shade and enjoy the day. I really needed a peaceful moment, and I was really surprised that there was only one more family at the park since the day was so gorgeous.  Aside from a dad and his son, we had the place to ourselves.  

I had enjoyed the tranquility for about 1 minute, literally, when the dad came and sat down under the pavilion a few tables away from me.  I didn't make eye contact for several reasons.  1-  I'm an introvert.  I don't go out of my way to talk to people I don't know.  2- Idle chit chat is so awkward to me.  It's almost painful.  3-  I was really enjoying the solitude.

But this guy, he wanted to talk.  The very first thing he said to me was, "Is that your boy out there, throwing the baseball?"  

I glanced up at him and said that yes, both of them were my boys.  Then I went back to my book.  

He kept on.  "That's pretty amazing the way he does that.  Does he have cerebral palsy?"

Okay, woah.  Several things started happening at once.  I realized that he was referring to Shaun, not Jordan...most people don't refer to my oldest son as a "boy" anymore.   And then my Mama Bear  started to come out.  I immediately became defensive.  In general, even after 19 years, I'm still not very comfortable discussing this diagnosis.  Especially with some strange man in a park, when I was trying to clear my head.  I thought to myself.  "How rude!  What a thing to say to someone you don't even know.  What's wrong with this guy?"

I don't know for sure what my face looked like, but I have an idea.  I tend to wear my feelings on my face.  It's an unfortunate characteristic.  I did manage to keep my words from getting away with me, though, when I answered, "Yes.  He does."

Back to my book.  I really wanted this guy to get on with his life and leave me alone.  But no.  He said again, "That's pretty awesome how he does that."  

He's right.  It is amazing that Shaun can throw and catch a baseball with just one hand.  I began to think that maybe this guy might be okay after all.  He went on.  "My grandfather had cerebral palsy.  Pretty similar to your boy.  He couldn't use his right side and couldn't talk very well.  It never held him back, though.  He coached baseball and worked for the State of Georgia until he retired last year.  Here's a picture of him on his retirement cruise."

I spent the next half-hour being encouraged by this complete stranger at the park.  He encouraged me as a mother by complimenting the fact that I allow Shaun to try new things.  He showed empathy to me as we discussed the hardships people with CP face.  And then, the boys came over to the pavilion and he spent some more time encouraging them.  

He watched them play ball, bragged on Shaun's ability and told him to never let anything hold him back.  He also told both boys to always have each other's back.  Before he left, he shook Shaun's hand and said, "I'm Jeff and it was nice to meet you."

I loved the way he treated my grown up son just what he is... a grown up.  He didn't talk to him like a little kid.  He genuinely listened.  He made him feel important.  

Then he scooped up his son and left.  

As far as I'm concerned, this Jeff guy was an angel sent to encourage all of us that afternoon.  I definitely  needed that conversation more than I needed to wash my hair.  (Which didn't happen. Hat day.  Ha!)

Why am I even bothering to write this?  I guess it's to encourage someone to get out of their comfort zone.  Talking to a stranger about my personal life was something I never would have wanted to do.  In fact, I contemplated moving to a different spot in the park after he asked his first question.  And truthfully, I judged this guy a little.  I wondered what kind of a guy hangs out at the park in the middle of the day.  A slacker with no job?  Maybe he was thinking the same thing about me, who knows?  

I tend to internalize everything.  There's usually a running dialogue in my head about...everything.  I talk to myself and even answer myself sometimes.  I go replay situations and possible outcomes over and over.  This is all fine and good, but had I kept to myself on that afternoon I would have really missed out.  I believe in divine interventions.  I needed some time to myself that day, but God knew that I needed some conversation even more.  

So, Jeff.  Whoever you are.  You'll probably never read this, but I pray someone blesses you just as much as you blessed us last week.