on how to pray

My prayer life has not been the best lately. This is especially disheartening since I've been fasting for 21 days with my church. I think this year was our 4th or 5th corporate fast, and I've never had this problem before. Usually it's the opposite. My prayer life soars during fast time. This year... I don't know. I've never been so unmotivated. At first I thought that maybe I felt like I wasn't truly Daniel fasting, because my doctor said it would be better if I would eat meat. So I did. Nothing fried or greasy, mainly just grilled chicken along with the fruit and vegetables. And it felt wrong. I felt like I was missing something from God because of that meat. I know that's silly. God knows that I'm pregnant and that the doctor told me to eat that meat, and He knows the desires of my heart. I was still distracted.

And then, two weeks into the fast came the morning sickness that lasted all day. I had been fasting bread and crackers but had to add them back in. I felt so guilty the first time I ate some crackers, like I was driving a huge wedge in between myself and God. I would try to pray but wound up getting sidetracked. Not because I didn't need to pray. I have a personal prayer request list that's a mile long. More like I just didn't know where to start. I'd pray and feel like my prayers just bounced back to me off the ceiling. It was like God wasn't even hearing them.

Cue Jordan's behavior issues at church. That boy has a mind of his own, and frankly, we don't know what to do about it. We've prayed and prayed for him to be obedient and respectful. He gets punishments and consequences when he does wrong, but so far nothing is working. Truthfully, I was beginning to think our prayers were falling on deaf ears.

Last week I went took Jordan to a play date at a friends house. This is a new friend of mine and her daughter is Jordan's age. We met back at the "old" co-op last fall and realized that we go to church together. This sweet lady was a Godsend to me during the plate date. We were discussing the fast and she was going on and on about how close she was getting to God during this fast and how she didn't want it to be over. In all honesty, she was beginning to make me feel like the worst Christian on the face of the Earth! Then she began telling me about how she prayed as a new Christian. After her salvation, she would pray during her daily walks. Into her cell phone. You know, because she likes to pray out loud and didn't want anyone to think she was nuts. At first she had the same problem as me. In reality, she didn't think she knew how to pray. So, she just asked God to teach her how to pray and what to pray for. And after awhile it worked!

I was floored. I'm not a new Christian. I'm not even newly rededicated. And it had never, ever occurred to me to ask God to lead me in the direction of my prayers. This morning, I tried it and I was amazed. I began to pray about things I didn't even know I needed to pray about. It was truly amazing. One of the most intimate times I've had with the Lord in a long time.

Later on in the afternoon I received a tweet with a link to this article. I love it when God confirms things for me so blatantly.

Now, I'm praying in a whole new perspective. Not for things I want, but for God's will to be accomplished. And before I say amen I make sure to thank God for loving me enough to send spirit-filled friends and blogs to keep me enlightened.

jordan's birth

I've been wanting to write up Jordan's birth story, mainly for myself. I don't want to ever forget it, and since he's turning six years old tomorrow I figured tonight was a good time to do it.

Two days before Jordan was born, I went in for my weekly doctors appointment. His heart rate was high when they monitored him. They gave me a non-stress test and the heart rate went back down to normal but Dr. Harrison wanted me to come back in the next day for more monitoring just to be on the safe side.

My mom came with me the next day. Same thing. High heart rate and non-stress test followed by... um. I think it's called a biophysical profile. This involves an ultrasound and we learned that Jordan wasn't breathing as often as he should, and his heart rate kept rising. I began to cry and my sweet mother got down to eye level with me and told me that I just had to give this whole thing to God. So I did. And things started to calm down.

I was seeing Dr. Harrison again that day. He wasn't my regular doctor, but I'd seen him the day before. It was a Friday and he originally wanted me to go home and come into the hospital for more monitoring the next day. I'm so glad my mom was with me. I can never think clearly when I'm stressed and that day was no exception. She asked the doctor if he knew about my history and told him a little about what had happened with Shaun. He left the room for a minute to review my chart, came back in and announced the new game plan: I was to go home, grab my stuff and then go check in to the hospital. He'd come by later that evening to do an amnio and if Jordan's lungs were okay he'd be born the next morning.

So on to the hospital I went. My sister met us there and Chris came as soon as he got off work. He stayed for awhile and then my sister agreed to stay with me while he went to lead worship at a youth rally. I think my mother left, too, so that she could pick Shaun up. Or maybe she went home to get my dad. I don't really remember.

Lori and I hung out at the hospital. We talked, laughed, and watched Full House reruns while we waited on Dr. Harrison to come do the amnio. I was so afraid of this. I hate needles, and let me tell you, that is one long needle! The doctor finally came into the room- he had to wait until after office hours because he wasn't on call that day. It means the world to me that he did that. I remember feeling so safe and cared for.

The doctor came in and told me what to expect with the procedure. I'd never had one before but kind of knew what to expect. He left, saying he'd be back with an ultrasound machine. A few minutes later, he stuck his head in the door and said, "Hey. Have ya'll seen an ultra sound machine in here?". Lori and I looked at each other and then glanced around the room. "Nope, not in here" we replied. Dr. Harrison sighed and left again.


After what seemed like forever, he came back into the room with a nurse, pushing an ultrasound machine. He plugged it in and, I swear to this, said "I don't even know how to use this one. How do I turn it on?". My sister said my eyeballs were about to pop out of my head. He must have noticed because he laughed and said, "Oh, don't worry. I didn't mean that I don't know how to use it. I just don't know how to turn it on. I've never used this one before. But they all work the same way once they're on!"

Okay.

He turned it on and began the ultrasound, explaining everything as he went: "See, baby's way down here so we'll insert the needle all the way up here so that it's far away from him." I laid there with my eyes closed, sweating with anxiety, with my huge stomach exposed for all to see. He reached for the tray beside the bed and suddenly stood up, slammed the tray back down onto the table and said (very loudly), "This tray doesn't even have a needle! This is a stupid tray!" He turned to look at the nurse, who was just standing there looking bored. "What do you want me to do", she asked? "I want you to go find a needle! I'm sure she's ready to have this done!" yelled my doctor. At this point the nurse scurried out of the room and I began to squeeze the life out of my sister's hand. Dr. Harrison turned to us and muttered, "Whoever heard of an amnio tray without a needle? I'm so sorry this is taking so long. Are you doing alright?"

We assured him that I was fine. The nurse came back and the doctor began another ultrasound to make sure Baby J hadn't shifted position. He hadn't, so we were good to go. He put the needle in (which actually didn't hurt at all) and began to draw the fluid out. That's when Jordan decided to kick the needle, sending it swaying back-and-forth while it was sticking out of my stomach. Once again my eyes turned into saucers and I squeezed my sister's hand. Dr. Harrison exclaimed, "Wow, I've never seen that before. Usually they shy away from the needle".

And that was my first sign that I was in for another strong-willed child.

The rest of the night was uneventful. My parents came by with Shaun. I think maybe my grandparents came too. That's a little fuzzy. Some people from our church came to pray with us. I wasn't in a regular labor and delivery room with a comfy bed. They put me in one of the rooms used for monitoring. Maybe all of the good rooms were taken. All I remember is that was one uncomfortable bed. Bright and early the next morning a nurse came by and said that the amnio results were great and that we'd be having a baby in about an hour. We called our parents and sat back to wait.

My family arrived and was able to see me before I went back for my c-section. I don't remember anything until I was getting my spinal block. I remember that because, like I said, I hate needles. When I was pregnant with Shaun, before the labor pains really kicked in, I had said there was no way in heck I'd get an epidural. I saw one at my childbirth glass and it had terrified me. Later on in my labor I begged for one, but I never progressed enough. By the time I was ready for my spinal block with Shaun I was too out of it to care about the huge needle going into my spine. Not this time. I was about to hyperventilate. The spinal guy got it all the way in and then, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to take this out and do it over". Ugh.

Somehow I made it though. Dr. Harrison came back to the hospital when he wasn't on call to deliver my baby. I think he's the best doctor ever! The surgery went smoothly and Jordan was born without a hitch. When the doctor held him up to me the first thing I noticed was that his nose was teeny tiny compared to the size of Shaun's. I think I was expecting him to look identical to Shaun, but as it turned out, he was his own person. Ha!

Chris went with Jordan to watch over him while he was getting checked out and my sister and cousin Ashley stayed with me in the recovery room. I think I kept asking if Jordan was breathing. After what had happened to Shaun while I was in recovery, I wasn't taking any chances. I got back to my room with my family and we waited for the nurses to bring the baby in. Shaun was there. He announced that he was going to hold the baby first, and then everyone else could except Lori. He didn't like her much back then for some reason.
We waited and waited and Shaun got antsy. My sister left to go do something but came back right after she left because she had run into her new nephew in the hall. Shaun was a total baby hog. No one could hold Jordan because Shaun wouldn't let him go!

After awhile the nurse came back in and took Jordan back to the nursery because his temperature was a little low. This visit turned into a week long stay in the hospital for antibiotics due to an infection. When this happens, every base is covered. Including a lumbar puncture to check for Meningitis. All I could think of was my friend from work. Her granddaughter had Meningitis right after birth and was brain damaged from it. Major panic set in. I didn't tell anyone about my fear. I preferred to suffer in silence back then, but I was scared out of my mind. I've never been so relieved as when that test came back negative a few days later.

Because Jordan was technically in the NICU, the neonatologist came in to talk with us. He had been Shaun's doctor six years earlier and he remembered us. Shaun got a kick out of that. He even talked to the doctor on the phone. Another thing Shaun did while I was in the hospital was to discover that hospital beds will raise all the way to the ceiling. I kid you not.

I stayed in the hospital a few extra days, but I still had to leave for home without my baby with me. My mom found me crying in the bathroom that morning before I was discharged. Shaun saw me too, which upset him. We made it though, and Jordan came home a few days later.

He had a wonderful homecoming, coming home to a house filled with his cousins. In fact, the first thing his cousin Jaycee did was try to pull his head off. We think she thought he was a baby doll.

And there you have it. Jordan's birth story. I can't believe he's going to be six years old tomorrow.

at the dentist

I took the boys to a new dentist today. We went to see Dr. Vaughan. I'm so relieved to have found a dentist that: 1- the kids like, 2- I like, 3- is knowledgeable about Ectodermal Dysplasia, and 4- I trust. I've been stressed about this for weeks and at the end of our appointment I was so relieved and comfortable with everything that happened.

My first clue that I'd like this dentist was that when we walked in the door, Dr Vaughan himself was in the hallway on his hands and knees scrubbing a spot out of the carpet. How many dentists has you met who do that? He stopped right there and introduced himself to the boys and then to me. Then he let them right over to the Wii. They were in heaven.

Shaun had no cavities, but left with a referral to an orthodontist. Yuck.

Jordan had three cavities but that was the least of my worries. He has lots of issues with his teeth. Some are missing, and the ones he does have are pointy. He calls them his vampire teeth. My main criteria in a dentist is that he or she needed to be knowledgeable about Jordan's condition. I wanted someone who had treated a patient like him before. I actually called around to all the dentists in our area before I made the decision to try Dr Vaughan. To my relief, he was wonderful with Jordan. He didn't parade all of his staff in to look at his "abnormalities". (Yes, if you're wondering- that has happened before. There's nothing like a dentist making your child out to be a lab rat, right?) He took x-rays, and then examined Jordan before he sent him back out to the waiting room to play so that we could speak privately. And we came up with a tentative plan of treatment. This plan will become more firm through the years, but at least now we have a plan. Plans are good. And having a dentist who knows what he's talking about is really good.

Today was really an answer to prayer. God's so good. He really does care about every problem we have. Even dentists.

P.S. While Jordan was in the waiting room with my mom, he told another mom that his mom "has a baby in her tummy the size of a peanut". Bless him!

my epic fail

I'd been looking forward to tonight's dinner all day. Chris and I are still fasting, but I found a website full of delicious recipes called Ultimate Daniel Fast. Sometimes it's like we're not even fasting anymore, this food's so good!

Two Bean Burgers was on tonight's menu. I'd never made black bean burgers before, but they made it sound so easy. In addition to the burgers I'd planned to have corn on the cob and some sauteed zucchini, squash, and onions. Yum.

Well, black bean burgers are a lot harder to make than I thought. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but these "patties" didn't cook correctly. In the end they basically looked like piles of re-fried beans. They tasted alright, I guess, but nowhere close to what I was expecting. To top it off, I emptied about half a jar of soy sauce on top of the veggies because someone had dropped the jar, broken it's lid, and then put the broken jar back into the refrigerator without telling anyone. I tried to pour the vegetables into a colander and let the excess sauce drain off, but they still came out nasty. I did manage to not mess up the corn on the cob, but by that time nothing tasted good to me. I was so disappointed.

I haven't had a meal turn out that badly since I was a newlywed.

Maybe one day I'll laugh about it, but right now I'm still hungry. So I'm making myself some popcorn.

meeting the peanut

I had my first official OB appointment today, and Chris and I were so blessed to be able to "meet" our new little peanut. Chris calls the baby a peanut. So I guess I will, too.

The appointment went well. One funny thing was that we were asked by several nurses if this was our first baby. They all seemed so surprised when we announced that this was indeed our third baby because, and I quote, "You both look too young to have three children". I took that as a definite compliment, even though I think we look every bit- if not more- as old as we actually are.

I was worried about this appointment. I had prepared myself for every possible scenario that could have went down today. In fact, when the ultrasound began I had my eyes closed until I heard a heart beat. It was music to my ears. I know living in fear is no way to go through a pregnancy, or life for that matter. My faith is really lacking in this area. I've had two NICU babies, and I just always expect the worst. I would appreciate any prayers for this. I want to be able to expect the best, not the worst. Hopefully I'll get there soon.

Like I said, the appointment was good. I love my doctor and feel comfortable that he'll take good care of us. He did such a good job with Jordan. I'll have to write about his birth story soon. There are some extremely funny parts to it!

We were kind of surprised today because the ultrasound revealed that I'm not as pregnant as I thought I was. Previously, my due date was September 4, which put me at 7 1/2 weeks. Today my due date was changed to September 13, which means I'm only 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. So, I was only 4 weeks pregnant when I took my first test. No wonder I was acting hormonal! Apparently I ovulated later than I thought. Those ovaries of mine are always causing confusion!

I can't end this post without mentioning that Shaun requested prayer for me at co-op yesterday. Unprompted and in front of everyone he announced that his mother was pregnant and that he was praying for everyone to be healthy. I love him, and I love that he has such a tender heart.

review number 8: Longing

Longing (Bailey Flanigan #3) by Karen Kingsbury

Published October 25th 2011 by Zondervan

ISBN: 0310276349

Genre: Christian Fiction

Summary from Goodreads:
Longing, book three in the Bailey Flanigan Series, picks up where Learning ended. After a long and lonely silence from Cody Coleman, Bailey Flanigan becomes closer to her one-time Hollywood co-star, Brandon Paul. Nights on the town in New York City and long talks on the balcony of Brandon's Malibu Beach home make Bailey dizzy with new feelings and cause her to wonder if her days with Cody are over forever.Meanwhile, Cody's work coaching a small-town football team has brought him and his players national attention. In the midst of the celebration and success, Cody finds himself much closer to a woman who seems to better understand him and his new life. Even so, never does much time go by without Bailey and Cody experiencing deep feelings of longing for each other, longing both for the past and for answers before they can move forward.Will an unexpected loss be the turning point for Cody? Will Cody and Bailey find a way back together again for the first time in more than a year? And if they do, will their brief time together be enough to help them remember all they've been longing for?

My mom turned me on to Karen Kingsbury way back when I was pregnant with Jordan. I love the strong values and the fact that there's not always a happy ending in these books. I started with The Redemption Series and have worked my way through most of her novels. That said, I've "known" Bailey Flanigan since she was in high school. Now, in Longing, she has graduated from college and is living in New York City while working as a dancer on Broadway.

Honestly, Baily's not my favorite Kingsbury character. I find her somewhat annoying. Can't really put my finger on the reason why. Maybe she makes me feel like a hypocrite or maybe I'm burned out on her. I am, however, nosy enough to find out who she finally ends up marrying. She's having a hard time deciding between Brandon and Cody. If anyone cares, I'm Team Brandon all the way. Cody's had chance after chance to win her heart, and he still can't get it right. I'll have to wait until the next (and final) book in this series. I have a feeling Cody will be the winner.

But back to Longing. I just didn't like it. I found it predictable. I did read it in one day, but I skimmed a lot. Like I said, at the end of the day I really just want to find out who Baily's Prince Charming is.

This one just didn't do it for me.

2 stars.

review number 7: Immanuel's Veins

Immanuel's Veins by: Ted Dekker
Published September 7th 2010 by Thomas Nelson
ISBN: 140031674X (ISBN13: 9781400316748)
Genre: Fiction

Summary from Goodreads:
This story is for everyone--but not everyone is for this story.

It is a dangerous tale of times past. A torrid love story full of deep seduction. A story of terrible longing and bold sacrifice.

Then as now, evil begins its courtship cloaked in light. And the heart embraces what it should flee. Forgetting it once had a truer lover.

With a kiss, evil will ravage body, soul, and mind. Yet there remains hope, because the heart knows no bounds.

Love will prove greater than lust. Sacrifice will overcome seduction. And blood will flow.

Because the battle for the heart is always violently opposed. For those desperate to drink deep from this fountain of life, enter.

But remember, not everyone is for this story.

We all know I have a thing for vampires and I've always had a thing for a Dekker Novel. Was there ever any doubt that a Ted Dekker novel about vampires would become one of my favorite books? That said, the above synopsis is true. Not everyone will be for this story. It's hard to read. The subject of this novel is one that has always fascinated me: the "fallen ones" of Heaven. The angels that were kicked out with Lucifer. Then, the other night I read this little doozy in Genesis:

This was back in the days (and also later) when there were giants in the land. The giants came from the union of the sons of God and the daughters of men. These were the mighty men of ancient lore, the famous ones. Genesis 6:4, The Message

I must have read this verse a million times, and I'd never paid much attention to it until now. I almost fell out of my chair when I read it this time, because it means that the characters in Immanuel's Veins could have been real. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one!

There are a lot of themes in this novel, but the one that stuck with me the most is sin.

Sin.

It sneaks up on us. Wraps it's ugly little fingers around us and before we know it we're doing things we'd never dreamed of doing. Things that repulse us. Things that make us ashamed. But even when we think we're too far gone, our Savior is waiting to take us back with open arms. He paid the price for our sin with His blood, after all. I don't want to give too much away, but I was moved to tears at this book's conclusion. Never have I been so in awe of my Father's unconditional love for me. I finished it at the doctor's office and I barely had my tears wiped away when she came into the room.

This was one of the best books I've read in a long time. I gave it 5 HUGE stars. I can't wait to read it again so I can pick up on all the things I missed.

our number 3

Yup, I'm pregnant.

It's so strange to see those words. I think I'm still in shock! We found out almost two weeks ago. We were going to keep the news to ourselves until the second trimester, but when have I ever been able to keep big news to myself? I know a lot could happen between now and then and, honestly, I'd love to have everyone praying for us.

Here's how it happened. Well, not exactly how it happened, but you know what I mean...

In November I realized that I was about to turn 31 years old. Something about that number made me sad... I've never wanted any more children but 31 is close to 35 and I'd always heard that women who have babies after they're 35 are considered "high risk". So I began entertaining the idea of maybe possibly wanting another one before it was too late. Honestly, I didn't think it would happen. Getting Jordan was a journey. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. After a few months of trying for Jordan my doctor gave me this diagnosis and told me that if I wanted another baby we needed to make it happen by the time I turned 25. Apparently symptoms worsen with age. I began taking medication and, after 8 months of heartbreaking letdowns, we found out we were expecting.

Jordan was born, and we were good. I never, ever thought I'd want another one. Ditto for Chris. That was six years ago. I continued to have POS. After I turned 30 I really thought that I couldn't get pregnant again. Maybe that's why it was so easy for us to admit that maybe we wanted another one? I'm still trying to figure that out. Anyway, in November I began to toy with the idea of trying to conceive again. I brought up the idea to Chris and was so surprised that he felt the same way I did. We "officially" began trying for another one around Thanksgiving, fully expecting to still be trying months and months from then.

My cycle had been regular to the day for the past three months. On my birthday I told Chris I was a few days late. He just laughed and reminded me that I had always gotten my hopes up in the past only to have them crushed with a negative test. I decided he was right. And besides, none of the pregnancy tests were on sale at Rite Aid. So I let it go.

On January 2nd our classes at School of Discipleship started back up. Let me tell you, I was a beast that day. I'd been really tired since Christmas and that day, I'd never been more exhausted. I actually took a four hour nap that afternoon. We were at the mall before classes and I was so grouchy! At one point I looked at Chris and said, "Look, I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't seem to stop. So I'm just going to walk away from you for a while." The Hubs claims to have known the truth at that exact moment. Ha ha!

After class we stopped at Kroger, and low and behold: pregnancy tests were on sale. So I bought one. And Chris made fun of me and warned me not to be disappointed if the results weren't what I wanted. I was annoyed at the time, but it was really sweet of him. He had to deal with me each time I took a negative test six years ago and I never thought much about how that was for him.

The kids and Chris had a "slumber party" in the living room that night. They watched a movie and I cleaned the kitchen. I went to take the test fully expecting it to be negative. And at first it was. I shrugged and began to brush my teeth. When I was done there was definitely a big red plus sign on that test. "Um... Chris...?" And then he called back, "Are you serious? That's so cool!"

I sent this picture to my mom, sister, and a few friends:
This resulted in many hysterical phone calls and texts of congratulations. Except from Kendra, who didn't notice she had a text from me until the next afternoon when I sent her another text asking if she'd gotten my previous text. To which she replied "no". And then five minutes later came the phone call. Love her!

We told the kids the other night. Shaun rolled his eyes in typical pre-teen drama and said, "Are you serious?". But now he's the one who can't stop telling people.

My favorite response so far has been from my friend Joanne. She said, "Woah. I guess God healed your ovaries!"

Yes, I guess He did!

I went to the doctor last week. He confirmed the pregnancy, gave me a due date of September 4, and told me to come back next Friday for an ultrasound.

I've been sick this time, more so than I was with the others. The tiredness is what's really getting to me.

I know its so early, but like I said, I would rather have people praying for us than keep this to ourselves. So if you pray, please agree with us for a boring, drama-free pregnancy and a healthy, happy child in late August!

blogger app

I just downloaded the Blogger App for my phone.  Kind of exciting.  Just wanted to test it out.  That is all!

i turned 31!

I turned 31 a few weeks ago. For the second year in a row, I wasn't drowned in the depths of depression on my birthday. I have never...ever...been able to enjoy my birthday because of the "holiday blues" or whatever they're called. I hope they're gone for good, because 30 and 31 were great birthdays for me!

My sweet friend Kendra invited me to lunch, and I brought my mom along. It was mom's first time at Mellow Mushroom. It was delicious. And then Chris met us over there after he got off work, and found a hair in his food. Kind of put a damper on things, but us girls had already eaten and at least he got his meal for free. Ha ha!

Kendra gave me The Hunger Games for my birthday. She always knows what I like! I love it. I've been really exhausted at night and actually falling asleep at a decent hour, or I would have finished it by now. I can't wait to read the rest of the series, and of course see the movie this Spring.

My mom took me shopping after lunch. We were only supposed to be gone for a few hours, but didn't get finished until almost 8:00. That's usually how it goes with us.

Chris and the kids met me in town when I was finished and took me to Outback for dinner. I had ribs. Jordan took one look and asked why my steak had toe nails. Oh, that child.

It was a great day, and I felt very blessed.

This weekend, I met up with my girlfriends for laser tag and dinner. Laser tag here in Gainesville is confusing, and I was horrible. The only person who did worse than me had a broken gun. I had fun anyway.

The teenage laser tag guy took this photo of us before we got started. I think he thought we were quite hilarious. Or maybe mentally challenged. Either way, he looked amused the whole time he talked with us.

Some of us are missing, but I can't say enough how blessed I am to have such a wonderful group of friends. We laugh, we cry, we pray, and we play. What more could I ask for?