It all started out innocently enough. The family and I were at my grandparents' house, watching a video. The video had a sword fight on it. My grandpa commented that Shaun would be good at sword fighting, since he takes karate and has been working with weapons. Upon hearing these words, Jordan's little voice piped up with, "Shaun can't do that. He's got a broken arm". There was a beat of silence and then Shaun, very indignantly, replied, "My arm is not broken". Jordan hopped up, ran to his brother at the couch and said, "Yes it is. This one right here is broken".
Well, my heart was broken at this little exchange. To my knowledge, Jordan has never noticed any of his brother's "differences" before. He wasn't being ugly or rude. Just matter of fact. To hear him say that Shaun's left arm was broken stirred up something in my soul. I still don't know exactly what it is.... Sadness, for sure, but something else, too, that I can't quite put my finger on. Defeat? Anxiety? I began having "flashback feelings" from Shaun's newborn days in the NICU. Back then, we weren't sure what we would be dealing with, how this road would end. As if someone was literally squeezing the life out of my heart. Panic. Despair. Disappointment.
Not that I'm feeling that way all of the time right now. I'm able to function. Something just feels out of place. I know I'll have to get over this. Things certainly haven't changed just because Jordan now knows that Shaun is "different". Shaun is what he is, quirks and all. Just like we all are. He was the way he is on Saturday night and he was still the same on Sunday afternoon after his exchange of words with his little brother. Nothing's changed. Except the way I feel.
I feel attacked. Satan knows this is a weakness of mine. He's used it before to get me down.
Prayers, please!
2 comments:
Shuan may have a physical difference that makes it more notable that he's "different" from other kids... BUT TRUST ME!!! All of our kids are different.
I feel concerned about my oldest, too. Behavior wise. I go over and over and over all the possibilities as to why we struggle with her the most- some have even suggested that she has "something wrong with her".
What. EVER. Maybe Shaun has a technical name for his "difference", but it's a name that the doctor's gave him. Not you. NOT GOD.
That boy is perfect, Erin.
PERFECT.
Just. The. Way. God. Made. Him.
When TRUTH is exposed; Satan loses.
I am praying, Erin. I don't know the exact way that you are feeling but I do know that Shaun is one of the most passionate children I know. Everything he does, he does with all of his heart. He loves like no one else, protects like no one else, has fun like no one else. I don't know why he has to go through these struggles, but I do know that he has a mother whose prayers and faith will help him face them.
You are a WONDERFUL mother and he is a WONDERFUL child. Don't let Satan blind you to Gods goodness and the awesome, amazing plan that I know he has for Shaun.
I love you.
Lori
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