who am i?

Anyone who's been around me at all lately knows that I've been a nervous wreck since the second week in August. That's when the school year began. We had enrolled Jordan in the K12 program. For those who don't know, it's basically public school that's taught at home. I thought this program was best for several reasons:

1. It's free. 'Nough said.

2. It's structured. I thought we needed this for Jordan, my little wild man.

3. It's all prepared for you. No coming up with lesson plans... just follow the lesson guides.

4. I was (am) terrified of making colossal mistakes when teaching Jordan to read. I didn't have to worry about this with Shaun. We didn't begin homeschooling until Shaun was in 3rd grade... most of the core stuff was already covered. Jordan, however, is a "fresh slate". There's sooo many ways I can mess him up.

K12 seemed like a good idea in theory. And so I signed him up. Even though my close friend had quit the program cold-turkey during the middle of last year because it was so stressful and required so much busy-work. And even though this is indeed a public school program... and I had basically sworn off public school after Shaun's experience. And even though I adore the year-round school schedule we adopted with Shaun. And even though I hate answering to "the man". My self-doubt got the best of me.

On our first day of school, we were still doing schoolwork at 9:00 pm. Yuck. But I stuck with it. I figured we just hadn't found our groove yet. But really, the more I tried, the more Jordan resented it. He, like his big brother, needs short and to-the-point lessons. He doesn't need to go over the same skill 4 times in one math lesson. He becomes bored extremely easily. Phonics was the worst. It was painful.

With K12, each child is required to do most of the assignments. Some assignments are optional, but for the most part everything is required. And the fact is that my child simply cannot sit though all of that busy-work. After he's had his fill, his brain shuts off and trying to keep going is pointless. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled up his lessons on the computer only to hear him whine "Oh, not (shapes, m's, AABB patterns, etc) again!"

I began to get so frustrated with him. I can't tell you how many times I asked him, "Why can't you just sit still and finish this?" This is complete Deja vu from Shaun's kindergarten homework. Then one day, Jordan walked into the school room where I was straightening up the bookshelf. He looked at all of his materials and said, "I like doing school, I'm just not good at it." Oh, ouch. That hurt my heart. Wasn't this the kind of self-esteem crushing thing we were trying to avoiding by homeschooling in the first place?

The thing is, he is good at it. It's just that he doesn't need to do so much of it. And I'll tell a little secret. Some of that work that he was required to do? I lied and said he did it even when he didn't. And he still aced all of his tests. So there. :)

Anyway, after he said those pitiful words, I immediately gathered him up in my arms and told him exactly how good he was at doing his school work. And then I sent both kids outside to play so that I could meditate about what to do. As I watched them zoom around the yard on their bikes and scooters, I heard from God. "I made them this way. Who are you to try to change who they're meant to be?" I love it when He's direct and to the point, don't you? It reminded me of another time He spoke to me clearly. I blogged about it here.

That was 2 weeks ago. We went on vacation last week and Chris and I took that time to pray about what to do. And tonight, I withdrew him from the K12 program. I feel as free as a bird. I had ordered a new phonics program from Amazon a few weeks ago, and we'll start it tomorrow. I had also purchased Math U See for kindergarten last spring. Between that and the classes he takes at co op, he should be covered. And I won't have to worry about logging hours or forgetting to enter in his attendance every night.

As for my self-doubt... it's still there. Not as prevalent as before, but it's still hanging around. God has brought some "seasoned" homeschooling moms into my life lately and they've been such a source of encouragement. It's nice to hear some needed advice about curriculum and what not. I was talking to a friend at church today and she said, "One good thing about homeschooling... it keeps you praying!" How true. God has led us down this journey, and I know He'll give me the knowledge and ability to teach my children everything they need to know. His promises to us are Yes and Amen. I only wish I wouldn't forget that all of the time.