Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT oversleep this past Saturday and completely forget about Shaun's appointment for Karate pictures.

I did NOT become extremely upset that I missed the New Moon tour at The Mall of GA. I also did NOT immediately begin texting a friend of mine to commiserate with me. Please. We're almost 30 years old. Way too mature for such things.

I am NOT counting the days until I get to actually go see New Moon. Since my husband makes fun of my Twilight obsession, I did NOT make a "date" with a fellow Twilight obsessed friend of mine to see the movie. I am NOT super-crazy excited about it. Again, I'm almost 30 years old. I have way too much pride to act like a fan-crazed teenager.

I did NOT pick up my husband's phone and pretend to be him in a texting conversation while he was sleeping last night, just for fun. My plan did NOT backfire when said conversation became inappropriate. I did NOT go to bed wondering why grown men are so disgusting with each other.

I did NOT look the other way when Jordan dropped him gum on the floor, picked it back up, and returned it to his mouth yesterday at church. I also did NOT rationalize this in my mind by remembering that the cleaning crew had just cleaned/sanitized the floor a few days before. Not Me!

Breakdown

I had one today. Here's what happened:

We (Chris and I) were gathering up a truckload of junk to take to the landfill. When the truck was almost full, Chris said to me "Why don't you go into the laundry room and bring all those cans out?" Seems simple, right? I thought so, too. I went inside to the laundry room, and there they were.

The cans.

Jars would actually be a better word. Mason jars. Lots of them, full of canned vegetables. But not just any mason jars. My grandma's. I miss her. This seems kind of silly, now. The minute I saw them, a big lump lodged itself in my throat. These jars have been in my home since before we moved in, over 4 years ago. I walk by them, stacked neatly on their shelves several times every day while doing the wash. Stacked where Mamaw left them after canning season when she still lived here. When she was still alive.

Nevermind that the dates on the lids of the jars were from 2003. Nevermind that Mamaw herself had told me several times to throw those things out years ago. It still hurt. When I reached for the first jar and saw the date on the lid - Aug 4 2003- in her sweet squiggley handwriting, I lost it.

2003. Shaun was only 3 years old. We didn't live here then, but Shaun stayed here with his Mamaw while I worked. She had a garden every year. Shaun "helped" her with it. She loved taking care of him, and he loved her. She taught him so much and loved him so much. She showed him Jesus' love. Just like she did for me when I stayed here while MY mom worked.

Something about seeing her handwriting got to me, and it hit me all over again that she's gone. My grandma. My friend. My prayer warrior. I started crying and couldn't stop. I haven't cried like that over her in a long time. 6 months, at least. I called my mom, who offered to come over and take care of the jars for me. I refused, thinking I'd get it together eventually. And I did.

I miss her. I want her back.

But.

I know she wouldn't come back to us for anything. She's in Heaven, where she belongs. Loving every minute. What comfort to know we'll be there together one day.

I pulled it together and finished the task.

But I kept one jar. Its still on its shelf. Just to remind me.

Spiritual Warfare

Really. I'm so amazed at the prayers, phone calls, and encouraging words I've received this week in response to my previous post. I had no idea that so many people actually read this blog of mine. I'm humbled. I'm grateful. I'm blessed to have each of you in my life. And I have felt your prayers this week. Thank you!

Last week was...um...something else, to say the least. I've never gone through something like this before. And I'm nervous about writing about it now. Its gonna sound weird. But God brought me through it, and I feel like I need to share my experience. So here goes:

First of all, I need to be clear that I am a Christian. Jesus lives in me. I've been born-again, my sins are all forgiven, and I'm going to Heaven when I die. I'm sure of all this. But, about 2 weeks ago, something began to feel "off". Strange. I felt a presence around me 24-7. Not a good presence. It was extremely unnerving. It began to fill my head with thoughts. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it was almost like a whisper in my ear. I told you this was gonna be weird! For a week I listened to this "voice" tell me that:

I'm no good. I'm a horrible mother. I'm not capable of taking care of my children. I'm not qualified to homeschool my kids. I'm a horrible wife. My marriage was a mistake. My children were mistakes. My husband doesn't love me. I don't love my husband. We never should have gotten married. I'd be better off single. My children would be better off if I left. My parents would do a better job taking care of them than I do.

There were more, but those were the main thoughts going through my mind all day long. For a week. At first I just wrote it off as a bout of depression brought on by all the rain and gloomy weather. But then I started believing it. All of it. Crazy, I know. These thoughts consumed everything I did. I didn't eat. I didn't spend time with the kids. I didn't do housework. I neglected Chris. I began to resent the fact that I had a family, because it all just seemed wrong. I did go to church, but I wasn't "really there". I withdrew from everything. I wanted to be by myself all the time, and when I was alone, I would contemplate how I was going to break the news to Chris that I was leaving.

These feeling built and built. My mom sensed something was wrong and offered to watch the kids one night so that Chris and I could go out. I got really excited. Not because we were going on a date, but because I was finally going to be in a situation where I could tell him how I felt. And I did. Hence the "Regret" post.

Chris was hurt. Crushed is more like it. I will never forgive myself for causing him that kind of pain. We got back home and he told me he was going to sleep with the kids because he just didn't know what to say to me. So he did. I, on the other hand, did not sleep at all. I tossed and turned. I listened to the "voice" as it told me that what I'd done that night made me an even more horrible person than I was before. I cried and cried.

I started begging God to help me, and that's when it hit me: I hadn't prayed or read my Bible in over a week. I was astonished that so much time had passed since I had spent time with God. But it was true. I immediately started praying. Begging God to help me and forgive me for every false thought I'd entertained. Pleading with Him to restore the damage I'd done to my marriage. After I was done, I felt as if a boulder had been lifted off my chest. Things were going to be okay! I fell asleep around 4 a.m. and slept like a baby.

I didn't get to talk to Chris before he left for work the next day. I spent that day praying and taking stock of my life. How in the world could I have thought my children were mistakes? How could I have believed any of those lies for even one second? And oh goodness, what was I supposed to say to my husband. "I'm sorry" certainly wouldn't cover it.

I realized that I had been through spiritual warfare in its finest. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that the presence I felt was demonic. That I had literally been walking around with a demon whispering lies to me. I had been under attack. And it wanted to take my family down with me. The worst part is that I listened! I was ready to divorce my husband and leave my children. Crazy. That's when I got mad. Really mad. The devil and his little cohorts should have had no authority over me. I'd dropped the ball, big time. And I'd almost thrown everything away.

I went through my entire house praying. Denouncing any demonic presences. Telling them they had no authority over me, my family, or my marriage. My uncle, who was doing some repairs on the house, probably thought I was going nuts! I felt light as a feather. Better than I had in weeks.

I had to talk to someone, so I called one of my best friends and told her all about it. And she said "Wow, I knew something like that was going on. Your voice was different when I talked to you on Monday. We've been praying so hard". Wow.

And then Chris came home. We had a long talk. After apologizing again and again, I began the story with "Now I know you're gonna think I'm crazy..."

But he didn't. He'd known something was going on all week, too. When I told him I'd been harassed by a demon, his response was "Is it gone? Did you get it out of here?" Wow again. And- he forgave me.

So, that's been my life for the past 2 weeks. Weird, huh. I've never been through something like that, and I hope it never happens again. The devil knows our weaknesses and he'll use anything to betray us.

I was trying to think back to when this all started. I think it was a few weeks ago. The kids and I were having an awful morning. Shaun would not listen to a thing I said. He was being so difficult. And I vaguely remember wondering to myself what in the world I was doing. I was so busy that day that I didn't get my quiet time in. Ditto for the day after. And the day after that. Then the rain started. The weather always gets me down, and the kids get antsy when they can't go outside and get their energy out. I was so overwhelmed that day. And I believe that was all it took. The Bible tells us that Satan is "The father of lies". I believed it before, but I really believe it now!

But, like always, I made it through. God is good!

I feel the need to stress here that the devil is real. Demons are real. I know that some Christians don't like to think about this, but its true. The devil is real and he's after you. He knows you. He knows your habits, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Example: he definitely knows that self-esteem has never been my strong point. I really struggle with self-doubt. So, that awful morning when I began to second-guess my ability to homeschool gave him a way in. He's sneaky like that. And the fact that I was missing out on my "alone" time with God opened the door even wider.

I've learned my lesson. I know what's true: I'm doing what God has called me to do. With my kids, with my marriage. We're destined for great things. I will never take my eyes off Him again.

Regret

I said some things tonight that I regret. Hurtful things. If you know me, then you know that I am prone to "word-vomit" from time to time. And tonight, I really let it fly.

This is complicated. My emotions are swirling. I don't regret feeling the way I do, but I do regret making my feelings known. I pray I haven't done irreversible damage to an already fragile relationship.

Please pray for me.

Out of the mouths of 9 year olds

While driving home from Cleveland today, I overheard (or listened in on, if you really must know!) this conversation between my children, in the backseat:

Jordan: Is Mamaw dead?
Shaun: Yes, Jordan, she's dead.
J: Why? Who killed her?
S: No one killed her. She just got cancer. So she died.
J: But is she at the church?
S: No. Just her body's still at the church. In the ground. But her soul's up in Heaven. I'll be up
there one day.
J: Me too?
S: You'd better hurry and get saved, Jordan.

Even though I had to swallow the lump in my throat, I had to smile, too. Priceless!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I know that it is so irresponsible to place items of value in one's back pockets instead of securing them in a purse or wallet. So NO WAY did I do this anyway while at the mall last Friday. And, since I DIDN'T place my entire family's movie tickets in the back pocket of my jeans, there's NO WAY that I lost them.

I did NOT become totally addicted to the "Twilight" saga. I realize that there are, in fact, no such things as vampires or werewolves, and that it would be silly to get caught up in such a thing. So, I did NOT stay up way, way past my bedtime reading. NOT ME! I also did NOT show up for Bible study minus my Bible and workbook, but with my new copy of Twilight tucked down in my purse, for later reading at Chick- fil- a (while the children played on the playground). I did NOT sit through my Bible study hoping that no one would see my book sticking out of my purse. NOT ME!

I did NOT rush through my morning and lunchtime routines in order to get Shaun to his physical therapy appointment on time today. I did NOT actually make it there on time, for once. So, I was NOT unpleasantly surprised to learn that our therapist had to leave early today due to a problem with her own children. When this happened, the receptionist did NOT forget to call me and let me know. So...I did NOT simply shrug off this news, reason that everyone makes mistakes, and chalk the receptionist's oversight up to a "Case of the Mondays". NOT ME! I'm way too high-strung and over-emotional to let something like that go!

Get-Togethers

We've been "getting together" with old friends lately. And when I say "old", I'm referring to the amount of time we've known a particular friend. I am definitely not referring to the age of any one of these friends. Although one of us has recently officially become a grandma!

Anyway.

We spent Saturday night with our friends Ben and Jada. We love them and miss them so much that we drove clear across the state in the pouring rain just to spend the evening with them. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little bit about the drive. But it was worth it! We had a wonderful dinner, and these great friends of ours even made a portion of Chicken Alfredo with rice noodles just for our boys. Wow. I can't tell you what that meant to me.

The food was great, but the company was better. This wonderful couple has become a source of encouragement and support for Chris and myself. And I just love Jada to death. What can I say about her? She just "gets" me. And I hope she feels that I "get" her. I am so blessed to have her as my sister in Christ. I absolutely cannot wait to see them again in December. And then again in January!

I did bring my camera along on Saturday night, but I didn't get many pictures. Here's one of some of the kids.



Today the kids and I met 2 of my childhood friends and their kids at the park. We had a great time! Even Shaun...who was not thrilled about playing with "babies"....was the perfect gentleman and was quickly adored by almost every child at the park! He was great with all the little ones.

I love the fact that Mandy, Kelli, and I grew up together. Not only that, but our parents have known each other for years. And now our kids are following in our footsteps. This is one of the good things about living in a small town. I'm already looking forward to next week, when we're getting together again.

Here are some pictures of our outing: