Hello From Home

Well, hello!  It's April.  The year was flying by and then, BAM.  

COVID-19 hit and now it's crawling by.  It's April 8th, which means we've been "sheltering in place" for going on 4 weeks now.  I remember when all the craziness started...  It was March 12th.  A Thursday.  My kids and I were having another crazy, hectic day.  Chris went to work.  Shaun went to school.  Jordan, Violet, and I did some schoolwork and then went to run errands.  It just so happened that it was time to buy toilet paper.  The younger kids and I went to Sam's almost specifically for this purpose, but guess what?  They were all sold out.  Sam's Club was a madhouse.  I mean, people everywhere.  Buying all of the bleach and toilet paper.  We found the few other things we came for and waited in line about 30 minutes to check out.  It was crazy!  Jordan's piano lesson had been moved to Thursday afternoon, so I was stressing that our Sam's trip was taking so long.  We made it to the lesson and then I rushed Kroger to get groceries.  I was in a hurry because Violet had soccer practice and I had to work, both starting at 6.  I had spoken to Chris a few hours earlier and he had told me that the leaders of our church (where he works) were considering calling it off for the next Sunday.  We hardly ever cancel church, so I just wrote it off.  But, as soon as I walked in to Kroger, right there in the produce aisle, my phone rang and I was informed that I didn't have to work that night after all because choir practice was cancelled... because of the virus.  

Okay, so that wasn't so bad because now I'd be able to be at soccer practice.  I bought groceries, which was a task because, like Sam's everybody was in there buying up all of the stuff.  Again.  By the time we were done I barely made it home in time to unload everything before I had to load everyone up in the car again head out to practice.  Oh, Jordan also had baseball practice.  Shaun had choir practice, but it was cancelled, so he went with Jordan.  Violet and I went back to Gainesville to meet up with Chris and head to soccer.  

Soccer was fun.  Chris was coaching again and all the parents seemed nice.  It would turn out to be our only practice.  :(

Later that night we learned that schools were being called off for... 1 week?  2?  I can't remember but now the school year is over and all of those kids are learning from home for the rest of the year.  I really do feel for all of the parents who were forced into at-home learning.  It can be quite an adjustment.  After that, everything just sort of shut down.  Soccer season, baseball, church.  Co-op classes, the YMCA, playgrounds, clothing stores.  

So, for the most part, we've been hanging out at home, all together.  This time has been hard on us because, even though we homeschool, we are rarely home.  Our days are usually packed with all of us running in different directions in the evenings.  Now, we're home.  Chris is still working, thank God.  I'm so grateful for his job.  He's doing a lot from home but has to go in a few times a week.  Shaun is doing his college work via Zoom.  Jordan and Violet are trucking right along with their schoolwork.  But, surprisingly, it isn't all that terrible.  We've caught up on our rest.  We've cleaned and organized things that we never had the time to do in the past.  I'm cooking more healthy meals.  We are spending time together.  I've grown closer to the Lord because I've joined about a million on-line Bible studies.  Life is simple.  

The fact that life is terrible for many people right now is not lost on me.  I know people are sick and dying.  I  know people are losing their jobs.  Even those who have been fortunate enough to keep their jobs are faced with uncertainties that they've never known before.  I mean, even going to the grocery store can kill you.  

I am no stranger to worry.  I struggle with anxiety and usually always imagine the worst possible outcome of any situation.  But this time, I'm surprisingly calm.  I'm concerned, yes.  But there's no panic in my heart.  I'm walking with a peace that can only come from the Lord.  I can't watch the news.  I can't listen to all of the conspiracy theories and statistics of this virus.  If I did, I know my mind would spiral out of control.  If I spiral, my whole house spirals.  So, I take precautions.  I've shielded myself from people who are panicking.  I pray a lot more.  I quote lots of scripture.  And I watch a lot of entertaining TV.  Tiger King, My 600 Pound Life.  And I'm making my way through the Twilight movies again.  I share funny memes.  I pray a lot.  I go for long walks.  Anything to keep my mind from spiraling.  It's working for now and I'm so thankful.  

 

Trust God and Do Good

I know that I'm late to this game, but Joyce Meyer is becoming a favorite of mine.  Many of my friends are shaking their heads at me and muttering, "I told you so" because in the past I have not been very quiet about how I didn't care for her.  Why?  I don't really  remember, but I think that sometime, long ago, I heard someone say that her teachings weren't Biblical.  I added to this the fact that her voice drives me insane and I threw Ms Meyer out of the circle of people I allowed to minister to me. 

Fast forward twenty years.  One of my good friends gifted me a copy of Battlefield of the Mind.  I grudgingly accepted the gift, but not before I let my friend Jennifer know that I didn't care for Joyce.  Jennifer told me to read it anyway.  So I did.  And it was life-changing.  If you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, negative feelings, basically anything at all... you should read this book. 

Lesson learned.  A short time later, my friend Dana gifted me another copy of The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word.  (Thank you, Lord, for putting these women in my life.)  I keep this book in a makeup bag in my purse so I can whip it out every time I need to combat one of my "feelings" with scripture.  Again, life-changing.

It's January and my family has been fasting along with our church.  I've been trying to fill my mind with positive messages during this time, so I turned on a Joyce Meyer podcast in the car the other day.  I was listening to a series about having trust in God and she kept saying the words "Trust God and Do Good".  How simple, but how true.  When you're mad and upset.  When life is not fair.  When you're sad and crying and frustrated with your teenager... just trust God and do good.  When your college student acts like an entitled brat... trust God and do good.  When your seven year old has a dramatic tantrum and you want to run away and hide from all the madness...trust God and do good.  

I've been trying to remember to repeat this phrase to myself when one of these little situations presents itself to me.  Before I open my mouth to yell and become "Monster Mom", quietly whispering "Trust God and do good" to myself has really been helping me parent my children in a way that's better for all of us.  My family is complicated, like most families are.  We have three kids in three different stages of life with a few extra issues thrown in.  Most days I feel like I'm in some kind of sick reality show or a social experiment on mental health.  But God knows what He's doing, even when I forget that He knows what He's doing and try to do everything my way.   

Trust God and do good.  I am a mom.  My children are my responsibility.  Sometimes I look at them and cry because I love them so much.  Other times I look at them and cry because I think I could kill them with my bare hands and what kind of person feels that way about her own children?  Trust God and do good.  "Doing good" by my children does not mean yelling and losing my temper on a daily basis.  Yes, they may deserve it, but what good does all the yelling really do?  In our family, it makes things worse.  So lately, quietly muttering "Trust God and do good" through my clenched teeth before I respond to whatever chaos I'm dealing with has really helped all of get along better.  No, I don't remember every time, but I'm getting better.  

I certainly am not qualified to give out spiritual or parenting advice, but this was on my heart today and I felt like I should share.  

Until next time, 

Trust God and do good!

 

11:00 Ramblings

It's 11:20 p.m.  Time to sleep, but I'm wound up!

The kids and I spent some time outside today and it was so good for our souls.  The weather was beautiful today, but the rain is supposed to be back tomorrow.  Or so I read.  We'll see.

I had work tonight, so it was late when we got home.  It's also the beginning of January, so we're fasting.  I was SO hungry when we got home at 10:00.  Chris brought a salad home for my dinner.  Then I had some Smart Food popcorn.  I finished the day with 2 WW points left.  

I joined WW.  Again.  It has gone horribly so far.  I gained .8 pounds since I started before Christmas, which I realize isn't terrible.  Today has been the first day that I haven't started out well and then blew it at dinner.  I celebrate this.  

Sometimes I look at my kids and feel so proud of them that I could burst.  And then five minutes later I want to strangle them with my bare hands to shut their smart mouths.  Anyone else?!?!?

I'm currently reading My Sunshine Away by M.  O.  Walsh.  It is mildly good.  Barely holding my interest but I do want to see how it ends, so....

I've also started a reading plan for the New Testament.  

I've become obsessed with true crime podcasts and now my paranoia has increased.  I trust no one and I find myself being more observant so that I can be a helpful witness if a crime is ever committed and I find myself being questioned by the police.  

I'm wondering if Netflix is even worth it anymore, since Friends is gone.  If they get rid of The Office, our relationship is over.  

 I only drank water today.  

When my husband told me to start writing again, I don't think this is what  he had in mind. 

 

Writing Again

My husband and I were riding alone in the car the other day, which is a rare occasion, and out of the blue he asks why I never write anymore.

Why don't I ever write anymore?

First of all, I'm tired.  Secondly, no one writes blogs anymore.  Vlogs, maybe, at least according to my YouTube-obsessed seven year old.  But I hate having my picture taken and I hate being video'd even worse.  

I asked Chris why he cared that I had gone many, many months without an entry here.  (I was really grouchy... it was late and we had been out Christmas shopping for most of the day.)  His response?  That I liked doing it and he liked reading it.  

So there you go.  This is all I've got for tonight, but my plan is to be spending more time on this out-of-date blog of mine.  

See you soon. 

From Last May

This post is from last May, almost exactly a year ago.  I posted over on my private page at that time, but re-read it tonight and I thought someone else might need to hear my point of view.  So here goes...

 

 

It's been awhile since I've been here.  I have lots to say, on this private blog.  Ha!  For tonight, though, I want to write about this weekend.  I bought Violet a unicorn float to take to the pool at the YMCA.  As it turned out, she (the float) was too big for the pool, so we took her to the lake a few days later.  No big deal, except for the fact that I've gained weight.  A lot of it.  That's for tomorrow's post, though. 

 

haven't worn my swimming suit since we were at the beach last October.  It still fit, but I stayed in my room and cried for 30 minutes after I saw myself in the mirror.  I determined that there was no way in HELL that I was going to be seen in any kind of bathing suit until I lost some weight.  I almost stayed home, but Chris made me get in the car.

 

We got to the lake, and surprisingly, I wasn't the fattest person there.  I still wasn't swimming, though, and sat on the shore in the scorching sun with my clothes on over my suit and watched everyone else swim.  After a while, Violet came out of the water and asked me to swim with her.  I looked at her little face and said, okay, I'd swim.  Ya'll.  She was so happy.  She jumped up and down and screamed with joy.  Just because I said I'd swim with her.

 

I realized some things that afternoon:

  

1.  I may be overweight, but my kids don't care.  They love me and want to have fun.  That's it.

 

2.  No one at that lake really cared what I looked like anyway.  I was so self-conscious and literally didn't see anyone cast a second glance at me.  

3.  I've lost out on a LOT of good experiences because I was too embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  Not only me, but my kids lost out on having a mom to play with.  This hurts my heart.

 

So.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to love myself the way I am.  No matter how much I weigh.  No Body Shame, and all that.  Now, does this mean that I need to totally give up on getting healthy?  Absolutely not.  But being fat is not a reason to miss out of life.  

More later. 

..................................

We went back to that same spot on the lake this past weekend.  I'm still the same size as I was last summer, which is disappointing- but not really surprising-, but I didn't miss out.  I swam with my family and felt refreshed for the first time in a week.  

 

Mamas...seriously.  Your kids don't care what you look like.  All they care about is spending time with you.   Believe me when I say that you will regret sitting out at the lake or pool in a few years.  

 

I know its hard for some of us, but love yourself where you are.  You are a child of God, after all. 

 

   

WW

Well, here I am again.  Trying to lose weight.  Honestly, it's not even about how much I weigh (which is a whole lot).  It's about being healthy and feeling better.  I feel terrible.  Hot all the time.  Tired all the time.  I can't paint my own toenails.  I'm out of control with my eating.  Basically, the same thing I've been writing about since 2010.  

That's a long time.  

Too long.  My oldest son is 19 years old, and I've been fat his entire life.  

At the end of last year, I had some minor complications with my heart.  Basically, my cardiologist told me that the issue is entirely dependent on my blood pressure.  I need to keep it low, so I'm on two medications for it.  He also told me that I need to lose weight and suggested I try a variation of Keto, but minus all the high fat.  I have failed drastically.  Almost 6 months later, and I weigh the same, if not more.  

A few  months ago, I was feeling frantic and just desperate for a solution.  On a whim, I signed up for Weight Watchers...er, WW.  Did you know that Weight Watchers isn't Weight Watchers anymore?  They have rebranded themselves as WW. Wellness Wins.  The plan has changed a lot since I had first tried it almost 20 years ago.  It's clean eating.  Low carb if I limit fruit.  Pretty much spot on with what my cardiologist wants me to do, but I do have some flexibility.  So I signed myself up for 6 months on the online program.  For the past few months, I've paid Weight Watchers  WW $20 for absolutely nothing.  

No more.  I started today AGAIN, and I'm documenting it here in hopes that it will hold me accountable.  If I write it, I must do it, right?  Let's hope so.  

Jeff

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy (as usual) and I've been somewhat emotional (more than usual).  Last week was Spring Break, and I just needed some good news, some encouragement, SOMETHING to let me know that I'm on the right path and haven't royally screwed my children up by schooling them at home.  It was just one of those weeks.  I know you know.  

The kids and I made a trip to Walmart to pick up a birthday present and, on the way back home, they all three wanted to stop at the park.  I really needed to get home so that I would have time to wash my hair and look presentable for church that night, but it is such a rare occurrence to have all three of my kids want to do the same thing at the same time, and the weather was so beautiful.  I said YES to the park.  

The boys went to throw the baseball, Violet ran to the swings, and I went to sit in the shade and enjoy the day. I really needed a peaceful moment, and I was really surprised that there was only one more family at the park since the day was so gorgeous.  Aside from a dad and his son, we had the place to ourselves.  

I had enjoyed the tranquility for about 1 minute, literally, when the dad came and sat down under the pavilion a few tables away from me.  I didn't make eye contact for several reasons.  1-  I'm an introvert.  I don't go out of my way to talk to people I don't know.  2- Idle chit chat is so awkward to me.  It's almost painful.  3-  I was really enjoying the solitude.

But this guy, he wanted to talk.  The very first thing he said to me was, "Is that your boy out there, throwing the baseball?"  

I glanced up at him and said that yes, both of them were my boys.  Then I went back to my book.  

He kept on.  "That's pretty amazing the way he does that.  Does he have cerebral palsy?"

Okay, woah.  Several things started happening at once.  I realized that he was referring to Shaun, not Jordan...most people don't refer to my oldest son as a "boy" anymore.   And then my Mama Bear  started to come out.  I immediately became defensive.  In general, even after 19 years, I'm still not very comfortable discussing this diagnosis.  Especially with some strange man in a park, when I was trying to clear my head.  I thought to myself.  "How rude!  What a thing to say to someone you don't even know.  What's wrong with this guy?"

I don't know for sure what my face looked like, but I have an idea.  I tend to wear my feelings on my face.  It's an unfortunate characteristic.  I did manage to keep my words from getting away with me, though, when I answered, "Yes.  He does."

Back to my book.  I really wanted this guy to get on with his life and leave me alone.  But no.  He said again, "That's pretty awesome how he does that."  

He's right.  It is amazing that Shaun can throw and catch a baseball with just one hand.  I began to think that maybe this guy might be okay after all.  He went on.  "My grandfather had cerebral palsy.  Pretty similar to your boy.  He couldn't use his right side and couldn't talk very well.  It never held him back, though.  He coached baseball and worked for the State of Georgia until he retired last year.  Here's a picture of him on his retirement cruise."

I spent the next half-hour being encouraged by this complete stranger at the park.  He encouraged me as a mother by complimenting the fact that I allow Shaun to try new things.  He showed empathy to me as we discussed the hardships people with CP face.  And then, the boys came over to the pavilion and he spent some more time encouraging them.  

He watched them play ball, bragged on Shaun's ability and told him to never let anything hold him back.  He also told both boys to always have each other's back.  Before he left, he shook Shaun's hand and said, "I'm Jeff and it was nice to meet you."

I loved the way he treated my grown up son just what he is... a grown up.  He didn't talk to him like a little kid.  He genuinely listened.  He made him feel important.  

Then he scooped up his son and left.  

As far as I'm concerned, this Jeff guy was an angel sent to encourage all of us that afternoon.  I definitely  needed that conversation more than I needed to wash my hair.  (Which didn't happen. Hat day.  Ha!)

Why am I even bothering to write this?  I guess it's to encourage someone to get out of their comfort zone.  Talking to a stranger about my personal life was something I never would have wanted to do.  In fact, I contemplated moving to a different spot in the park after he asked his first question.  And truthfully, I judged this guy a little.  I wondered what kind of a guy hangs out at the park in the middle of the day.  A slacker with no job?  Maybe he was thinking the same thing about me, who knows?  

I tend to internalize everything.  There's usually a running dialogue in my head about...everything.  I talk to myself and even answer myself sometimes.  I go replay situations and possible outcomes over and over.  This is all fine and good, but had I kept to myself on that afternoon I would have really missed out.  I believe in divine interventions.  I needed some time to myself that day, but God knew that I needed some conversation even more.  

So, Jeff.  Whoever you are.  You'll probably never read this, but I pray someone blesses you just as much as you blessed us last week.  

 

Our Crazy Life

So...if you've known me for any time at all, you know that one word that describes my family is "B U S Y".  

We.  Are.  So.  Busy.

Have been for years, and I've always liked it that way.  We all have tough schedules.  All five of us have commitments, work, practices, etc.  I have always taken pride in succeeding in the great balancing act of getting everyone where they needed to go.  Of course, we couldn't have done it without the help of my parents... they help out a LOT, shuttling my kids to dance class, dinners, track practices, and much much more.  

Don't get me wrong.  I love watching my kids do what they love.  But lately, over the past year, it's been so much.  So stressful.  I'm not sure if I'm getting older or what, but my anxiety began showing itself on a daily basis about a year ago, and it's getting worse.  This current school year's activities have been more than we've ever had to deal with before.  It started with Jordan playing middle school football, I think, and just sort of escalated.  Practice every day, all through the summer.  Chris was awarded the opportunity to coach his team, which we love, but it adds to it all! Then came basketball and now baseball.  Same for Shaun, plus he began getting getting very active in Special Olympics.  Violet dances and just started soccer last week.  Which Chris is also coaching, by the way.  I'm trying to school the kids, work when I can, and get everyone where they need be, which is sometimes three kids in three different places at the same time.  Again, enter my parents.  We really couldn't do it without them.  

It's getting to me.  I'm tired.  Stressed.  I never really understood anxiety until I wound up at the doctor's office a few years ago, thinking that I was having a heart attack.  My heart was fine, I was just having anxiety.  Yes, I'm on medication.  And lots of essential oils.  It worked for awhile, now I'm not sure what's up.  I knew I really had a problem a few weeks ago when I was paralyzed with fear in the parking lot at Dinger's.  That's a batting cage, in case you're wondering.  Jordan had baseball practice and the parking lot was so busy.  I literally could NOT back of my parking space to leave because I was afraid I'd hit someone.  Crazy and embarrassing.  I had to wait 20 minutes until the parking lot cleared out, and then I was late to work.  

There have been other things to, but that's the funniest one.  

So, what gives?  Something has to give.  Remember my last post?  I'm supposed to be strong and dignified.  There's nothing strong or dignified about cowering in a minivan in the parking lot of Dinger's while my kids roll their eyes.  Just seeing that sentence typed out is ridiculous. 

I know that this is not the way to live, so I'm actively praying and considering everything in my life... things to let go, things to keep on.  I haven't had any clear answers yet.  In the meantime, I'll go to another counseling appointment and keep repeating Psalm 94:13 to myself:

"God gives me the power to keep myself calm in the days of adversity, until the pit of corruption is dug for the wicked."

I'd appreciate your prayers...and any advice on dealing with this beast called anxiety. 

 

Proverbs 31:25

Well, I'd like to say that I plan to start writing again, but I probably won't.  I miss it, I enjoy it, I just don't have the time for it.  I am going to start making more of an effort, though, because it's so therapeutic for me.

It's a new year.  2018 was something else. We have had our share of ups and downs before, but this past year was a doozy that left our heads spinning.  Lots of mountaintops and also lots of deep, dark valleys.  

It seems like Chris and I would go from exhilarated to the depths of despair several times in just one week.... for the whole year.  I was tired of the struggle and just not feeling it on January 31st.  

Then, I received a Facebook message from a friend of mine.  Not a close friend, as in someone I talk to often, as our paths rarely cross.  We didn't even have each other's phone numbers.  But she messaged me and said that she'd had a dream about me and that she'd like to tell me about it.  And that she knew that she sounded crazy.  Ha!

I called her and she proceeded to tell me about this dream.  Jackie, if you're reading this and I'm messing up your dream, I'm sorry!  This is just what I remember.  

The dream:

I was in the middle of a field of wild flowers.  I was dancing.  The Lord's hand was reaching down to me from the sky and twirling me around.  I was laughing and joyful.  And, (this is my favorite part) I was barefoot, but my feet were wrapped up in some kind of material.  As the Lord spun me around, the bindings were unraveling off my feet.  As all this as happening, Proverbs 31:25 made itself known:

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."

My friend then began to tell me the things the Lord had revealed to her about my life.  Things like:  the things that are binding me will be falling away, I will get my joy back, and I will not be afraid of what's going to happen in the future any more.  That God loves me, that He has a purpose for me, and that I'm about to start living out that purpose.  

I really didn't know what to say.  So I cried, of course.  

I cried even harder when I realized that my mom had given me a necklace with that same scripture on it for Christmas just a few days before.  

Needless to say, Proverbs 31:25 will be my verse this year.  I don't really see myself as strong or dignified...yet.  But with God's help, I will become both of those things.  And I will laugh without fear of the future.  

Sometimes I have to strain to hear God's voice.  I'm thankful for other times, like these, when He's loud and proud and there's no way I can mistake what He's trying to tell me.  

And to my sweet friend Jackie.... thank you for sharing your heart with me.  I needed it.  

The Past Two Weeks

The past two weeks have been a blur.  As far as the weight loss goes, I made it down to 10 pounds lost.  Yay.  Then, I gained three pounds back.  Boo.  I'm still there.   Double boo.  

I'm on track again.  Sigh.  Here's what I've had today:  

Breakfast:  turkey bacon and tomato wrapped in Romain lettuce with a little veggie cream cheese.  So delicious.

Lunch:  I had to run errands today and we were out during lunch.  We stopped at Papa's Pizza.  I had the salad bar and the toppings from 3 smallish slices of pizza.  

Snack:  broccoli, cherry tomatoes, green pepper, cucumber and a few slices of pepperoni dipped in veggie cream cheese.  

For dinner, I'll probably have another salad.  I bought a TON of Romain lettuce from Sam's last week and we're down to the last "heart".  Isn't that what they're called?  We need to use it before it spoils.  

I really need to step it up with my water.  It's been so cold that it's hard to get it all in.  I'm ready for spring.  

In other news, we got a dog.  This is Max:

Excuse the blurriness.  My phone takes awful pictures, but isn't he the cutest?  He's a Bichon Frise, which I had never heard of before, but all of the ladies at the Bark Park new exactly what he was and went on and on about what great dogs Bichons are.  So far, I agree with him.  He's six years old and hypoallergenic.  He's pretty chill most of the time, unless someone opens the front door, then he's out of here!  He has escaped 4 times.  Augh!  Other than that, he's the perfect dog for us.  

In some more other news, sickness is running rampant everywhere.  I think I had the flu this week.  I never had a fever, but apparently that doesn't matter.  I suffered through a few days by taking Advil round the clock and and doing what I had to do.  By Monday, Advil wouldn't touch my aches and my cough was terrible.  I'm feeling much better now, just need to get rid of this cough.  

I'm so ready for spring.  Too bad the groundhog saw his shadow today.  

- 8.4 and Chicken Salad

That's right.  I've lost 8.4 pounds in about 2 weeks.  It will be 2 weeks tomorrow, and I weighed yesterday, so I'm going to go ahead and call it.  8.4!

I've cheated several times, but I've also eaten a lot of veggies and drank a ton of water.  Over all, a success.  I haven't had anything un-Keto since Monday, and I feel great.  I have found myself wanting sweets just a few times, and when I do, I have my gummy vitamins or a taste of peanut butter.  

I made a delicious chicken salad the other day.  I was trying to copy the Sassy Scottie from Chicken Salad Chick.  Mine wasn't nearly as good, but I didn't have all of the ingredients I needed.  Plus, my cooking skills are not that great.  

Here's what I did:

I cooked 4 chicken breasts in the Crock-Pot seasoned with salt, pepper, and paprika.  When it was tender, I shredded it and added a little mayo, a little sour cream, a little ranch, red onion, celery and garlic.  I didn't have any sharp cheddar cheese or bacon.  :(

The result?  A pretty good chicken salad that we've been eating on for the past few days.  I paired it with green beans, celery, green peppers, whatever veggies I have nearby.    I'll probably try another recipe tomorrow.  I love chicken salad, tuna salad, Garden salad, Cobb salad.... I love salad.  

This week, I plan to experiment with cauliflower.  I want to try a loaded cauliflower mash and a cauliflower mac and cheese.  

Have a good week, everyone!

Keto, Day 12

Day 12, and I still weigh the same as the last time I posted.  I would be upset, but I took a few more days off.  I ate horribly over the weekend, then I ate chips and dip and a slice of pizza and some brownies at my sister's house when we watched the college football championship game.  What a heartbreaker that was!  Anyway, I got back on track on Tuesday and I'm just glad that I didn't gain anything.  

I did go to the movies with Jordan last Friday and said NO to the popcorn, which is my favorite.  That's a positive, but then I just turned around and blew it over the rest of the weekend.  Why?  WHY?!?!

Is Overeaters Anonymous a real thing around here?  Maybe I need to go.  

Keto, Morning of Day 5

Okay.  I have done really, really well this week.  I turned down birthday cake and Cheeze Its at church and everything.  I weighed in yesterday and my total weight loss was 5.8 pounds.  Yes, I still know that it's probably just water, but...my stomach seemed smaller and my jeans started falling off again.  They were a perfect fit after Christmas, so SOMETHING is happening.  Plus, I was feeling so much better, after only a few days.  No more stomach issues, more energy, etc.  

I was thrilled with my results and was so proud of myself. 

But, BUT.  There's always a but.

I was having a stressful morning with the kids yesterday and it was Thursday, which is grocery day, so we had to go out for lunch.  Our usual go-to is Papa's Pizza.  When I'm eating right, I just order the salad bar and it's enough.  But not yesterday.  I convinced myself that I deserved a slice of my favorite pizza, which is pineapple and banana pepper on pan crust.  I had 2 slices and a Diet Mountain Dew.  I went to the grocery store and bought Keto friendly, delicious food for my family, then went to work at 6:00.  I found those little cheese crisp things at Kroger, which I had for my snack at work, instead of the Cheeze It's that we gave the kids.  Then I came home, and was so frustrated.  The kids were crabby, it was SO cold outside, my husband had to work late.  I came home and had a cheese sandwich for dinner.  At 10:00 at night.  Then a bowl of Violet's "berry" flavored cereal with milk.  It's organic, but still full of sugar.  

I felt miserable last night.  Bloated.  Stomach cramps.  And so dehydrated!  It's just not worth it.  

The really frustrating thing is that I had plenty of the right food to choose from last night.  I wasn't even that hungry.  I should have had some cucumber slices with a little ranch dip and went to sleep.  

I had gained 3 pounds this morning.  I knew it before I even stepped on the scale.  I don't know why I sabotage myself this way.  I have mixed emotions about weighing myself so often.  On the one hand, it keeps me accountable.  On the other, I see every success and an excuse for a treat, and that's  not good. 


So, it's a new day.  It's 11:22 am.  I'm just now getting hungry, so I'm about to make a Greek salad for lunch.  I have buffalo chicken dip in the crock pot for dinner, which we will eat on a salad or with some celery.  I'm going to the movies with Jordan later, and I'll take my cheese crisp things to crunch on instead of popcorn.  And I probably will not weigh myself again until Monday.  

Keto, Day 2

Not much to report today, except that I lost over two pounds.  I know that it's just water weight, but at least I wasn't up two pounds.  

Today I've eaten:

Salad with fresh spinach, a few slices of salami, bell peppers, and ranch dressing.  

String cheese and salami

Hamburger steak with slaw. 

Cheese

This is too much cheese and I need to not eat so much salami, but I'm pretty pleased with this.

I went back to the gym, today.  After I finished the elliptical, I couldn't breathe!  I was fine for the 30 minutes I was on it, not sure what happened when I got off.  I literally couldn't breathe.... everything was going black.  I had gotten Violet out to the car when it got really  bad and I thought I was going to have to go back inside and bed the YMCA employees to help.  I made it home with God's help and took a few drags of my inhaler.  Feeling much better now, just tired and perplexed.  This has never happened to me before.  Ever.  I won't make the mistake of leaving my inhaler at home again. 

Keto, Day 1

Happy New Year!

I spent the day with my family.  We slept late, watched a lot of football, and burned a lot of calories cheering for our Dawgs!  Seriously, what a game!

Foodwise, today was good.  Great, really.  I didn't cheat.  Didn't even want to.  I'm already feeling better.  

We slept until lunchtime, so that took care of breakfast.  

Lunch was a Keto-friendly chili.  Basically, I used my regular chili recipe and just left the beans out.  I thought it was pretty good, especially topped with cheese and sour cream.  Chris ate it and asked for seconds, so I guess he liked it, too.  I didn't even miss the tortilla chips that I usually cover my chili with.  

I had 2 slices of salami wrapped around a string cheese for snack. Actually, I had it twice.  

I was stressing about dinner, because we went to my mom's for New Years Dinner.  Peas and greens!  I wasn't worried about the collards, and I'm not overly impressed with black eyed peas, either.  My Granny's Mexican corn bread was cause for concern, though.  So were the mashed potatoes.  I didn't even have a taste of either one, so dinner was a success.   I didn't have dessert or sweet tea, either.  

Here's my plate.  I made some slaw to take, so Chris and I would have something else to fill our plates.  Ham, slaw, collards.  I did have seconds, but this food has practically zero carbs and I ate my veggies.  

We watched the Georgia game while we ate and got a little excited.  My brother-in-law Facebook Lived our antics.  I was absolutely mortified to be in this video.  I am so huge.  Plus, I was sitting down, and I know that's not ever a flattering angle, but good night!  

Looking forward.  Looking forward.  The past is in the past. 

My "Before" Face

So, Christmas has come and gone.  We had a good one this year, filled with family and food.  Lots of food.  I broke my promise to myself and didn't start back doing Keto before Christmas.  Thankfully, this year only has about 45 minutes left.  A new year is right around the corner.  

Tomorrow, January 1, it's Keto Time.

The Hubs and I both have a goal to lose 100 pounds this year.  I'm not brave enough to post my weight on this public blog, no matter how little of an audience I have.  I will, however, post how much I lose each week along with some progress pictures.  And, if I can find my tape measure, my measurements.  

Here's a "before" shot of my face, taken today with my friend Jennifer during lunch today.   I'm the one in the glasses with the huge face.  I'm looking forward to a thinner face next month! 

Christmas "Break", So Far

We're on Christmas "Break" here at Smith Academy.  I used quotation marks because one of my students is actually still catching up on some assignments.  I won't name names, and this isn't really as bad as it seems.  We're just doing an assignment or two each day until we get caught up.  We're almost done.  Christmastime is always  busy for us, and we fell off of our school schedule during our church's Christmas production.  The production was beautiful, but I had forgotten how much work is put into it.  All of our shows and programs are over now, so we can relax a bit and just enjoy the rest of the season.  

Chris took some time off work this week.  We've been on "vacation time"....staying up way too late and sleeping in.  A few days ago, after we stayed up late and slept in, we  actually had a productive day.  We had to get a new fridge and a new washing machine.  We took a load of junk off to the landfill.  Chris fixed the bathtub in our room.  A lot of work, but we managed to get in some shopping and dinner together as a family.  

Last night, we went to see the Christmas lights in Dahlonega.  If you're local and haven't done this, you're missing out.  The square is all lit up and it's just magical.  At least Vi and I thought so.  Chris and the boys were less impressed than us.  We got home late, piled up on the couch and watched TV until 2 in the morning.  Because it's Christmas Break!  Chris had to work today, so he didn't get to sleep in, but everyone else in the house is still out.  It's only 9:32 am.  I got up with Chris and started some chicken and dumplings in the crock pot for our dinner.  

No, dumplings aren't Keto friendly.  That's another post.  

Also, yesterday, I did something stupid.  A few weeks ago, during the Big Snow, one of my windshield wipers broke.  I forgot about it, since it hasn't rained since.  Well, it rained yesterday and I honestly thought I was going to die.  I couldn't see a thing  in front of me.  My Prozac wasn't strong enough to handle that!  I had all the kids with me and I finally just pulled into the driveway of a big, fancy house and waited for Chris to come rescue me.  Lesson learned.  

Well, I didn't get back on track the next day.  In fact, I was way, WAY off track for a week.  And I felt awful, mentally and physically.  The bottom line is that, whether I'm losing weight or not, I really do feel better when I'm following Keto.  I was just going to wait until after Christmas to get back on the wagon.  This is what I do when I'm offtrack.  I reason with myself on why it's okay to remain off track.  Yesterday, I came to my senses.  I COULD wait until after Christmas and just feel miserable and bloated for another week and a half.  And then, my birthday is 5 days after Christmas.  And then there's New Years Eve.  Then Jordan's birthday.  And so on.  There's always something, some reason to wait.  I had some kind of internal intervention with myself and today I'm back on track.  I wasn't hungry until lunch, so I didn't eat until then.  I just finished a delicious salad with Romain lettuce, a little feta, a little bacon, and a little Ranch dressing.  It was delicious.  I'm also drinking my water again.   

In all reality, I probably will eat "real" Christmas food over Christmas, but at least I'll have a grip on myself as I head into that holiday.  Which, I don't think, has ever happened before.  For as long as I can remember, I've entered into Christmas stuffed full of food and miserable, anxiously waiting and dreading December 26th because that's when I'd start being healthy again.  Such a lame struggle.  I hate it.  

Weighty Issues

Again.  It's always the weight.  I was doing so well at the beginning of this year.  My doctor and I had finally diagnosed my thyroid issue, and my medication was working.  My hair was growing back.  I was eating right, exercising, and the weight was coming off.  

Then came the burn.  It took months to heal, and I literally couldn't move without grimacing in pain.  I stayed home on the couch unless it was absolutely necessary.  While I stayed home, I ate.  And ate and ate, for 2 months.  Even after I was able to get around again, I still couldn't exercise.  For me, exercise and eating right go hand in hand.  If I slack on one, I'll slack on the other.  So, I'd take the kids to the YMCA and eat snacks while they swam.  For real.  And I gained 30 pounds. 

I had to see a plastic surgeon for my burn, and that visit turned into Panniculectomy surgery.  If you don't know what that is, click the link for the gory details.  I came out of that surgery ten pounds lighter, which was exciting.  I wasn't expecting the recovery to be as bad as it was.  I went into this surgery thinking that the recovery would be similar to my three c-sections.  It just wasn't.  Recovery took about 2 months, the first of which is just a haze of pain medication.  And food, of course.  Our friends and families blessed us with meals while I recovered, and they fed us very well.  Plus I snacked all the time, when I wasn't sleeping.  

When I finally got the nerve to step on the scale last month, I had gained 40 pounds.  Seriously, only I could wind up weighing more after having ten pounds of excess fat and skin removed.  

I went back to my PCP doctor and found out that my blood sugar was high again.  She recommended a low carb way of life.  Again.  I was doubtful, because I'd tried it before, for a whole summer, and only lost 7 pounds.  But that was before my thyroid medicine kicked in.  I contemplated trying again, and then it seemed like everyone I knew was talking about going Keto.  I took that as a sign, so I started up again a week and a half ago.  

Chris is on board too, this time.  It's definitely an adjustment for him.  A whole new way of approaching what we eat.  Low carb, high fat, moderate protein.  Lots of green veggies and meat.  Just no bread, sugar, potatoes, or fruit.  Except berries.  In moderation.  

So, I started last Monday.  I weighed myself the other day, on Wednesday, and I was down four pounds.  This post has taken me three days to compose, so I'm not sure what the posted date will show.  Today is Friday, I started this post on Wednesday.  I'll have to check for future reference.  

So, anyway, on Wednesday, about a week and a half after starting Keto, I was down four pounds.  We had co-op that day, and our Christmas potluck lunch.  I made a Keto friendly spinach dip that I planned to eat with celery from a veggie tray and some cheese and pepperoni.  There are several other Keto moms in our group, so we had some options!  However.  I wound up at the end of the line.  By the time I got to the food, all of my Keto food was gone, except for some cheese.  There was a TON of food there, so I think the problem was that kids were loading up their plates with way more than they'd ever eat.  Even my spinach dip was gone.  So, I just ate whatever.  Chips and onion dip.  Some meatballs made with jelly and barbque sauce.  And a cookie.  I did eat a few veggie sticks, and someone made a finger food that consisted of a dill pickle wrapped in cream cheese and a slice of ham...these were really good, and Keto approved.  

Oh, and I drank some apple cider, too.

I felt absolutely horrible for the rest of the night.  So tired and sluggish.  It wasn't worth it.  

The next day was a new day, thank God.  My plan is to make it to Christmas with no slip ups.  I really have to take it day by day.  Sometimes minute by minute.  Like a true addict.  Food is my drug of choice.  

My Current Situation

Today is Wednesday.  Co-op day.  My day started out hectic and hasn't stopped yet.  

Co-op is over, and I'm currently at the library with Jordan, Violet, and my nephew.  We are at the library so that Jordan can get some of his school assignments completed.  Usually, on co-op days, we bring our laptop and he can get quite a bit accomplished during his down time.  This morning, though, he swears he only heard me ask him to pack the charger chord for the computer and not the computer itself.  

Omgoodness.  

Every week it's the same routine on Wednesdays.  Why would I only want to bring the charger chord?  Jordan's  eleven, about to be twelve.  Every day he's becoming more and more like a teenager.  I still love him, though.  Whether intentional or not, his lack of ability to bring our computer to co-op backfired on  him, because here we are at the library, schooling away.  He's not even complaining.  

One funny thing Violet did today.  I had a doctor's appointment and had to leave co-op for about an hour, during her science class.  When I returned, she ran up to me, moaning that she had the worst day ever.  Why?  Because Mrs. Melody tried to teach her about dinosaurs, and she doesn't like them.

Literally, smh.