Its January, and we're fasting again. A corporate fast, so that means I can blog about it.
:)
In an effort to keep things positive around here while we're still snowed in, I've been trying to fill our house praise music. I had Mercy Me playing on my iPod as I was making lunch today. The "Coming Up to Breathe" album. I don't think I've listened to that album since last January's fast. Not sure why. I love it. Its one of my favorites. Especially "Hold Fast". I heard it again today and was transported right back to January 2007.
2006-2007. Aside from the time after Shaun's birth when we weren't sure if he would survive, late 2006 through early 2007 was the darkest time of my life. Shaun was in kindergarten and struggling. Really struggling. We were beginning to realize that his disabilities were not strictly physical. Throughout his life, my one "sanity saver" was to say to myself: "At least he doesn't have a learning disability". I would repeat this to myself daily. After each doctors appointment. When we finally received the "cerebral palsy" diagnosis. When he was fitted for leg braces and when I watched him struggle to do things that "normal" children could do easily...I would chant to myself: "At least he doesn't have a learning disability. I can't handle the physical stuff, but thank goodness he doesn't have a learning disability".
That little "lifeline" was ripped from my hands in the beginning of our kindergarten year. During IEP meetings his teachers would toss around words such as "processing delay" and "self-contained classroom". And a piece of me would die.
On a recommendation from Shaun's doctor, he had began seeing a psychiatrist and a neurologist. The neurologist discovered that Shaun had epilepsy and had been having mild seizures. Another blow. A few weeks later we saw the psychiatrist. After waiting in her office for over 3 hours, she talked with us for 10 minutes and we left with (false) diagnoses of: Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, ADD, Depression, Anxiety, a sleep disorder, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Of course, we also left with a prescription to treat each of these issues. And so began the medications.
I feel slight resentment towards this psychiatrist. I really, really don't see how you can justify all of those diagnoses in a 10 minute interview. I admit why she may have suspected some of the problems. Shaun was a handful back then. Moodswings. Outbursts. Lack of self-control. Violent fits. All to the extreme. And I didn't hesitate to tell her all about it. I was overwhelmed and desperate for some help, and I did what she told us to do. When the (very expensive!) meds didn't help, we just upped the dosages. Again and again. Until God gave me another answer. A year later we discovered that Shaun's problems were really caused by a combination of epilepsy, food sensitivities, and some vitamin deficiencies. How I wish I had an extra 3 hours to waste...I would go back to that psychiatrist and parade my kid around her office to show her that he can, in fact, display self-control without any meds.
Oops. Sorry. Totally didn't mean to wind up on my "Evils of Unnecessary Medication Soapbox". Back to 2007.
And then there was Jordan, who was almost a year old. He was supposed to be my "healthy" child. The "easy" one, if you will. As all this stuff was mounting with Shaun, I also had a relatively new baby. Who, as it turned out, was sick a lot. Lots of reflux. Lots of crying. RSV. Asthma. Many ear infections. Pneumonia. Sinus infections. Breathing treatments. ER visits. My view of him as "easy" began to waver just a little.
One day, he was sick and we were at the doctors office-again. I seriously felt as if we lived there. Between my two boys, lots of the doctors and nurses (and receptionists and lab techs) new us and new us well. They would come by to chat. I'm actually pretty good friends with our doctors former nurse today, 4 years later. But anyway, we took Jordan in for another ear infection. As the doctor was checking his throat, she commented on his teeth. He was almost 12 months old and was only beginning to cut his 2 middle teeth on the bottom. I had noticed that the teeth looked a little sharp, but dismissed it. My plate was overflowing and teeth took a place at the bottom of my priority list.
The doctor felt of Jordan's teeth and suggested that we see a dentist because "...if he bites someone, he could really do some damage. They need to be filed down". I didn't really think anything about it. Like I said, teeth just didn't seem that important in comparison to all the other issues we were dealing with at the moment. We scheduled a dentist appointment for the next week.
The day before we saw the dentist was the day Shaun was diagnosed with Epilepsy. So I was a little emotional. Or a lot. I feel bad when I think back about this day, because when Jordan was seeing the dentist, Shaun was on my mind. It wasn't until the hygenist brought Jordan back to me and asked us to wait five minutes for the xrays to develop that I began to panic. I sat with Jordan in the dark theater room of the dentsists office watching "Backyardigans" while five minutes turned into 45. And I was in a panic. My heart was racing. I couldn't breath. Blood was pounding in my ears. Then the dentist came into the room and asked me if she could talk to me. The dentist. That's when I really knew something was up. When the dentist herself came out to get me. I picked Jordan up and followed her to her consultation room.
I half-listened while she began talking to me about Ectodermal Dysplasia. I half-listened because I was trying not to cry. I tried to focus on the information she gave me: pointed and missing teeth (Jordan's xrays showed both), non-working sweat glands, sparse hair, dentures...while trying in vain to hold back tears. Then the dentist gave me a pamphlet with pictures of kids on the front who looked an awful like my child. Pale. Petite features. Thin, feathery blond hair. Strange-looking pointy teeth. I know that last part sounds harsh, but that's what I remembered thinking. And I thought that I didn't want my baby to look that way. I almost lost it but I didn't. The dentist gave me the name and number of a geneticist and a dermatologist and told me to make appointments. I somehow managed to make it to the car. Buckled J into his car seat. Calmly dialed my mom's work number. She said answered the phone and that's when I lost it: "Mama....there's something wrong with Jordan. His teeth...the dentist...wah wah wah...gasp....sniffle...". There's nothing pretty about me when I cry. :)
My sweet mom calmly told me to meet her at Chick fil a. She was able to calm me down and we looked over the pamphlet together. She made me see that this wasn't the worst thing that could happen. We made appointments with the specialists and decided to do some research on our own. I felt better, but this was still another blow.
So there I was. Falling apart. My family was in shambles. I was in a deep depression. Overwhelmed. I had no friends. Chris was working all the time and barely bringing home a paycheck. We were brand new to our church, so we didn't have any support from a church family. I had no friends. My marriage was failing. I felt completely alone. Abandoned by God.
My mom had given Chris "Coming Up to Breathe" for Christmas. I put it in on the way to the grocery store one night and was hooked. I heard "Hold Fast" and cried my eyes out. Listened to it again in Kroger's parking lot. And again on the way home. And again and again. For the first time ever, I allowed a song to minister to me. And minister it did! I remember crying through this song in my kitchen and thinking this:
"To anyone who's hurting"...Um. Yeah. You think?
"To those who've had enough"...Me! Lord! I've had enough. I really, really don't think I can handle anymore.
"To all the undeserving"...I can't deserve all of this. And neither do my children.
"What I've learned in my life, One thing greater than my strife is His grasp"...If you're greater than all of this, God, then make it stop!
And later, "Okay. I can do this. I can. Maybe, maybe, maybe we're all going to be okay".
And, eventually, we were. The kids are fine. We learned how to deal with their "stuff" with God's help. We began to trust Him with all those things that were out of our control. I'm so thankful that God brought us to our church when He did. I can see now that it was all in His perfect timing. As always, He knew what we needed when we needed it.
Here it is. "Hold Fast". If you've never heard it before, I hope you like it! It still serves as a reminder of where I've come from and the hope I have in Jesus.
:)
In an effort to keep things positive around here while we're still snowed in, I've been trying to fill our house praise music. I had Mercy Me playing on my iPod as I was making lunch today. The "Coming Up to Breathe" album. I don't think I've listened to that album since last January's fast. Not sure why. I love it. Its one of my favorites. Especially "Hold Fast". I heard it again today and was transported right back to January 2007.
2006-2007. Aside from the time after Shaun's birth when we weren't sure if he would survive, late 2006 through early 2007 was the darkest time of my life. Shaun was in kindergarten and struggling. Really struggling. We were beginning to realize that his disabilities were not strictly physical. Throughout his life, my one "sanity saver" was to say to myself: "At least he doesn't have a learning disability". I would repeat this to myself daily. After each doctors appointment. When we finally received the "cerebral palsy" diagnosis. When he was fitted for leg braces and when I watched him struggle to do things that "normal" children could do easily...I would chant to myself: "At least he doesn't have a learning disability. I can't handle the physical stuff, but thank goodness he doesn't have a learning disability".
That little "lifeline" was ripped from my hands in the beginning of our kindergarten year. During IEP meetings his teachers would toss around words such as "processing delay" and "self-contained classroom". And a piece of me would die.
On a recommendation from Shaun's doctor, he had began seeing a psychiatrist and a neurologist. The neurologist discovered that Shaun had epilepsy and had been having mild seizures. Another blow. A few weeks later we saw the psychiatrist. After waiting in her office for over 3 hours, she talked with us for 10 minutes and we left with (false) diagnoses of: Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, ADD, Depression, Anxiety, a sleep disorder, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Of course, we also left with a prescription to treat each of these issues. And so began the medications.
I feel slight resentment towards this psychiatrist. I really, really don't see how you can justify all of those diagnoses in a 10 minute interview. I admit why she may have suspected some of the problems. Shaun was a handful back then. Moodswings. Outbursts. Lack of self-control. Violent fits. All to the extreme. And I didn't hesitate to tell her all about it. I was overwhelmed and desperate for some help, and I did what she told us to do. When the (very expensive!) meds didn't help, we just upped the dosages. Again and again. Until God gave me another answer. A year later we discovered that Shaun's problems were really caused by a combination of epilepsy, food sensitivities, and some vitamin deficiencies. How I wish I had an extra 3 hours to waste...I would go back to that psychiatrist and parade my kid around her office to show her that he can, in fact, display self-control without any meds.
Oops. Sorry. Totally didn't mean to wind up on my "Evils of Unnecessary Medication Soapbox". Back to 2007.
And then there was Jordan, who was almost a year old. He was supposed to be my "healthy" child. The "easy" one, if you will. As all this stuff was mounting with Shaun, I also had a relatively new baby. Who, as it turned out, was sick a lot. Lots of reflux. Lots of crying. RSV. Asthma. Many ear infections. Pneumonia. Sinus infections. Breathing treatments. ER visits. My view of him as "easy" began to waver just a little.
One day, he was sick and we were at the doctors office-again. I seriously felt as if we lived there. Between my two boys, lots of the doctors and nurses (and receptionists and lab techs) new us and new us well. They would come by to chat. I'm actually pretty good friends with our doctors former nurse today, 4 years later. But anyway, we took Jordan in for another ear infection. As the doctor was checking his throat, she commented on his teeth. He was almost 12 months old and was only beginning to cut his 2 middle teeth on the bottom. I had noticed that the teeth looked a little sharp, but dismissed it. My plate was overflowing and teeth took a place at the bottom of my priority list.
The doctor felt of Jordan's teeth and suggested that we see a dentist because "...if he bites someone, he could really do some damage. They need to be filed down". I didn't really think anything about it. Like I said, teeth just didn't seem that important in comparison to all the other issues we were dealing with at the moment. We scheduled a dentist appointment for the next week.
The day before we saw the dentist was the day Shaun was diagnosed with Epilepsy. So I was a little emotional. Or a lot. I feel bad when I think back about this day, because when Jordan was seeing the dentist, Shaun was on my mind. It wasn't until the hygenist brought Jordan back to me and asked us to wait five minutes for the xrays to develop that I began to panic. I sat with Jordan in the dark theater room of the dentsists office watching "Backyardigans" while five minutes turned into 45. And I was in a panic. My heart was racing. I couldn't breath. Blood was pounding in my ears. Then the dentist came into the room and asked me if she could talk to me. The dentist. That's when I really knew something was up. When the dentist herself came out to get me. I picked Jordan up and followed her to her consultation room.
I half-listened while she began talking to me about Ectodermal Dysplasia. I half-listened because I was trying not to cry. I tried to focus on the information she gave me: pointed and missing teeth (Jordan's xrays showed both), non-working sweat glands, sparse hair, dentures...while trying in vain to hold back tears. Then the dentist gave me a pamphlet with pictures of kids on the front who looked an awful like my child. Pale. Petite features. Thin, feathery blond hair. Strange-looking pointy teeth. I know that last part sounds harsh, but that's what I remembered thinking. And I thought that I didn't want my baby to look that way. I almost lost it but I didn't. The dentist gave me the name and number of a geneticist and a dermatologist and told me to make appointments. I somehow managed to make it to the car. Buckled J into his car seat. Calmly dialed my mom's work number. She said answered the phone and that's when I lost it: "Mama....there's something wrong with Jordan. His teeth...the dentist...wah wah wah...gasp....sniffle...". There's nothing pretty about me when I cry. :)
My sweet mom calmly told me to meet her at Chick fil a. She was able to calm me down and we looked over the pamphlet together. She made me see that this wasn't the worst thing that could happen. We made appointments with the specialists and decided to do some research on our own. I felt better, but this was still another blow.
So there I was. Falling apart. My family was in shambles. I was in a deep depression. Overwhelmed. I had no friends. Chris was working all the time and barely bringing home a paycheck. We were brand new to our church, so we didn't have any support from a church family. I had no friends. My marriage was failing. I felt completely alone. Abandoned by God.
My mom had given Chris "Coming Up to Breathe" for Christmas. I put it in on the way to the grocery store one night and was hooked. I heard "Hold Fast" and cried my eyes out. Listened to it again in Kroger's parking lot. And again on the way home. And again and again. For the first time ever, I allowed a song to minister to me. And minister it did! I remember crying through this song in my kitchen and thinking this:
"To anyone who's hurting"...Um. Yeah. You think?
"To those who've had enough"...Me! Lord! I've had enough. I really, really don't think I can handle anymore.
"To all the undeserving"...I can't deserve all of this. And neither do my children.
"What I've learned in my life, One thing greater than my strife is His grasp"...If you're greater than all of this, God, then make it stop!
And later, "Okay. I can do this. I can. Maybe, maybe, maybe we're all going to be okay".
And, eventually, we were. The kids are fine. We learned how to deal with their "stuff" with God's help. We began to trust Him with all those things that were out of our control. I'm so thankful that God brought us to our church when He did. I can see now that it was all in His perfect timing. As always, He knew what we needed when we needed it.
Here it is. "Hold Fast". If you've never heard it before, I hope you like it! It still serves as a reminder of where I've come from and the hope I have in Jesus.
Hold Fast
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes
1 comment:
Dear sis, I love you so very much. Sometimes its easy to forget how hard that time was b/c you have grown so much since then. As a mother, wife, and Christian. I cried as I read this and it brought back so many memories of just feeling helpless. And I know it was harder on you than anyone. I love you and want you to know how proud I am of you. You have overcome so many trials. Never forget that God could have given you "normal" children, but instead he gave you those two extraordinary boys. I know you struggle when Shaun does, and worry about Jordan. But I also know that those two have been prayed over and that God has such plans for them, that we can't begin to fathom. I hope this comes out the way I want it to . All my love.
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