Chris and I attended a marriage conference today. One Marriage Conference, to be exact. It was a God-thing. I wanted to go. Felt that we really needed to go. Chris said he'd go if I wanted. Then some things happened and we weren't going to be able to go anymore. Then some more stuff happened and, to make a long story short, we made it there.
I'm so glad we did.
We learned a lot. Such as:
*We need to have more sex!
*We need to see marriage as a covenant (with ourselves and with God) instead of a contract.
*We need to prioritize our life together: with God as our number one, Each other as our number 2, and the Children as our number 3. This is easier said than done.
*I need to be sexy wife!
And lots, lots more!
At the end of the conference, we renewed our vows. This was hard for me- a lot harder than I thought it would be. Chris and I have been married 10 years. We've had some good times and some really, really bad times. We've both hurt each other with our words and actions. We still loved each other, but things had definitely changed between us. Life can do that to any marriage, I suppose.
These vows actually meant more to me than the ones we exchanged on our wedding day. Here's why. Everything was new back then. Fresh. Exciting. We were so young and never imagined that our lives would be marked with some of the trials we've been through. Its one thing to pledge your love and devotion to someone when you've only known the good times.
Its quite another thing to do that 10 years later. To still mean it after ten years of loving each other and being so mad you could spit! After busting your tail to make the other happy and slacking off to take care of yourself. After being on top of the world financially and not knowing how we were going to buy groceries for the week. After fighting and making up.
Chris has seen me at my very, very best and at my very, very worst. And I've seen him. At his very, very best and his very, very worst.
And we still want each other.
I can't put into words how it felt to look each other in the eyes after all we've been through and promise to love each and never stop. To apologize for our wrongs. I lost it, of course...cried my eyes out. Such a powerful moment.
We walked away different. In a good way. Vowing to never miss another conference again!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Ten
Shaun turned ten years old today. Ten. TEN. 10. Double digits. Alive for a decade. Ten. I think I'm in denial.
I've been thinking a lot about his life lately. My pregnancy, his birth, the struggles and triumphs he's been through. I think I'll share some of it now:
Before his birth. Shaun Clifton Smith was a complete and total surprise. I was only eighteen years old. Chris was 21. I laugh now at how easy we thought this all would be! I was so sure that I'd have a girl. All I knew about was girls. My mom had all sisters. I have only a sister. I grew up with all girl cousins. It was just a given that I'd have a girl, too. When the ultrasound tech announced that "The baby's a boy", I just looked at her and said "Uh-uh. Are you serious?" Its not that I really wanted a girl, I just hadn't entertained the idea of a boy. I soon got over it. We were all so excited to finally get a boy in the family!
Taking care of Shaun was easy while I was pregnant! Until the third trimester, that is. High blood pressure. Borderline pre-eclampsia. Nothing too terrible, though. I took my maternity leave two weeks before my actual due date. Being the naive girl I was back then, I was really looking forward to having two weeks to get caught up on my sleep. But. When I went in for my weekly appointment on day 2 of my "vacation", things changed. I took my grandmother with me to that appointment. My Mamaw. I miss her, but I'm so thankful to have this memory of her. My blood pressure was crazy, and baby Shaun wasn't looking great on the non-stress test.
My midwife came in and let me know that I'd need to head to the hospital for an induction if things didn't get better quickly. My words to her: "Go get my grandmother!" I was freaking out in a bad way. Midwife went to fetch Mamaw from the waiting room. When she finally made it back to me, I was a mess. Through my panic and tears, I told her what was going on. She just smiled. "Erin", she said. "Do you know what tomorrow is? Its Lori's birthday". Oh yes. My sister's 18th birthday. I had totally forgotten. With those words and her gentle way, she calmed me down. The decision was made to send me on to the hospital. I drove us there and we got all settled in. It was just me and Mamaw for about an hour, before Chris and the rest of the family were able to get there. How thankful I am that I had that time with her. She will always be such an intricate part of Shaun's birth story, and for that I am so grateful.
The Birth. So there I was. In the hospital. Ready for an induction the next morning. I began having some contractions that evening, while my parents were still there. Chris and I conviced them to go on home and come back in the morning. That night is such a blur. I began contracting more and more. I was out of it. I remember nurses rushing in several times and putting an oxygen mask on me. No one would tell us what was really going on. My parents came back in the middle of the night. I labored through the night and until the next morning. Nurses kept coming back in and adjusting my oxygen, changing my position, etc. We would later find out that Shaun was having a stroke. His heart rate became seriously low several times.
My doctor came on shift during shift change the next morning. By then, things had calmed down. My contractions had stopped, and Shaun was doing fine. We made the decision to go ahead with the induction. Things went smoothly until that afternoon. I was informed that I was only dilated 2 centimeters. The baby was still fine, so we kept on. Awhile later, Shaun's heartrate started dropping again. At 6:55 that night, Shaun made his appearance via emergency c-section.
He bit my doctors thumb during the delivery. We all got a laugh over that. I will never forget Chris' words. He leaned over me and whispered, "He's got my nose and your mouth". And he still does!
After the birth. The nurses then took my little Shaun across the room to clean him up. I noticed that he wasn't crying. I think I asked why. Then a few minutes later I heard him. I was so relieved! He was taken into the nursery for his bath and whatever it is they used to do back there. I was still in recovery. Chris was with the baby, and my whole entire family (except for my sister, who remained with me) was glued to the nursery viewing window. I was in recovery for a long time. Chris came back once and said that Shaun had had a little trouble breathing, but was doing better. It was weeks later that I learned what had really happened. The nurses were bathing, measuring, etc. All of a sudden, my baby simply went limp. The nurses began flicking his toes, nudging him, trying to make him wake up. Then they closed the blinds to the nursery window. I saw all of this on video, after we were both safely home. I'm pretty fuzzy on all of the details, but the nurses were able to get him breathing again. Then there was a repeat of the whole non-breathing episode, which resulted in Shaun being put on a ventilator.
By this time, I was back in my room. We really didn't know what was going on. My family was with me, and of course Chris. A neonatalogist came into the room and I will never, ever forget her words as long as I live: "Smith family? Your baby is sick. Very sick." There was more, but I went into survival mode. I wanted to see him, so I was helped into a wheelchair and taken to the NICU. And there he was. Ventilated. Tubes everywhere. I remember feeling like all of this wasn't happening. I kept telling myself that this was all a dream. Except it wasn't.
The next morning the doctor came by again. She explained that Shaun wasn't able to breathe because he had blood in his lungs. A sample of this blood had been sent to the lab- we were waiting on the results. If the blood was mine, this would be great news. It would mean that Shaun had simply swallowed some of it during the delivery. If the blood was Shaun's, it would mean that his lungs were bleeding, and we were informed that there wasn't much that could be done for this. So we waited and prayed, my family and I. We received the news that the blood was indeed Shaun's. But then a funny thing happened. He began to try to breathe on his own, relying less and less on the ventilator. He was still somewhat unconsious, but at least he was able to breathe.
A week passed without much improvement. I was sent home. My family and I made multiple visits to the NICU each day. Tests and scans were performed. One night, the doctor was waiting for us. She brought us all into a room and gave us some bad news. Shaun wasn't getting better. CT scans indicated brain damage. He still had not opened his eyes. He remained unconsious, sleeping all the time. I will never, never, EVER forget the words of the doctor: "We've done all we can do for him. You need to go home and pray to your God".
And that's what we did. My dad prayed the hardest. I learned a few years later that he couldn't sleep that night, went outside, and basically exhausted himself praying for his first grandson. Begging God to heal him. And...when Chris stopped by the hospital on his way to work the next morning...Shaun's eyes were open! He was lifting his head, moving around. He'd turned a corner! God is good! The doctors were thrilled, but still cautious. We were warned that our child might not ever be able to walk or have the use of his left hand and arm. We were sent home from the hospital with instructions to schedule appointments for physical therapy and numerous specialists: neurologists, orthopedic surgeons, opthomologists, etc. Overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe what we felt.
But, we made it. With God's help and the help and support from our family, we made it. It was hard at first. The doctors appointments. The bad news. The setbacks. But, we all see where Shaun is now. He is a miracle. A walking testimony of God's healing power and protection. I pray for God to use Shaun and his story for His glory.
Ten. When I think back to all I was going through 10 years ago today, I can't help but get a little weepy.
Here are some pictures of my 10 year old! Mostly from my cellphone, as I still can't find my camera cord.
Riding his bike in the rain last summer. I still can't get over how skinny he was!
At Laguna Beach on his trip with his Dad.
With John Wayne. At John Wayne Airport!
In the cockpit.
Cute shot from a field trip.
With Elvis.
As a shepherd last Christmas.
Ministering to residents at Dogwood Forest. One my proudest moments of him.
With the Performing Arts Group.
Happy Birthday Shaun! We love you more and more each day. And we're so proud.
I've been thinking a lot about his life lately. My pregnancy, his birth, the struggles and triumphs he's been through. I think I'll share some of it now:
Before his birth. Shaun Clifton Smith was a complete and total surprise. I was only eighteen years old. Chris was 21. I laugh now at how easy we thought this all would be! I was so sure that I'd have a girl. All I knew about was girls. My mom had all sisters. I have only a sister. I grew up with all girl cousins. It was just a given that I'd have a girl, too. When the ultrasound tech announced that "The baby's a boy", I just looked at her and said "Uh-uh. Are you serious?" Its not that I really wanted a girl, I just hadn't entertained the idea of a boy. I soon got over it. We were all so excited to finally get a boy in the family!
Taking care of Shaun was easy while I was pregnant! Until the third trimester, that is. High blood pressure. Borderline pre-eclampsia. Nothing too terrible, though. I took my maternity leave two weeks before my actual due date. Being the naive girl I was back then, I was really looking forward to having two weeks to get caught up on my sleep. But. When I went in for my weekly appointment on day 2 of my "vacation", things changed. I took my grandmother with me to that appointment. My Mamaw. I miss her, but I'm so thankful to have this memory of her. My blood pressure was crazy, and baby Shaun wasn't looking great on the non-stress test.
My midwife came in and let me know that I'd need to head to the hospital for an induction if things didn't get better quickly. My words to her: "Go get my grandmother!" I was freaking out in a bad way. Midwife went to fetch Mamaw from the waiting room. When she finally made it back to me, I was a mess. Through my panic and tears, I told her what was going on. She just smiled. "Erin", she said. "Do you know what tomorrow is? Its Lori's birthday". Oh yes. My sister's 18th birthday. I had totally forgotten. With those words and her gentle way, she calmed me down. The decision was made to send me on to the hospital. I drove us there and we got all settled in. It was just me and Mamaw for about an hour, before Chris and the rest of the family were able to get there. How thankful I am that I had that time with her. She will always be such an intricate part of Shaun's birth story, and for that I am so grateful.
The Birth. So there I was. In the hospital. Ready for an induction the next morning. I began having some contractions that evening, while my parents were still there. Chris and I conviced them to go on home and come back in the morning. That night is such a blur. I began contracting more and more. I was out of it. I remember nurses rushing in several times and putting an oxygen mask on me. No one would tell us what was really going on. My parents came back in the middle of the night. I labored through the night and until the next morning. Nurses kept coming back in and adjusting my oxygen, changing my position, etc. We would later find out that Shaun was having a stroke. His heart rate became seriously low several times.
My doctor came on shift during shift change the next morning. By then, things had calmed down. My contractions had stopped, and Shaun was doing fine. We made the decision to go ahead with the induction. Things went smoothly until that afternoon. I was informed that I was only dilated 2 centimeters. The baby was still fine, so we kept on. Awhile later, Shaun's heartrate started dropping again. At 6:55 that night, Shaun made his appearance via emergency c-section.
He bit my doctors thumb during the delivery. We all got a laugh over that. I will never forget Chris' words. He leaned over me and whispered, "He's got my nose and your mouth". And he still does!
After the birth. The nurses then took my little Shaun across the room to clean him up. I noticed that he wasn't crying. I think I asked why. Then a few minutes later I heard him. I was so relieved! He was taken into the nursery for his bath and whatever it is they used to do back there. I was still in recovery. Chris was with the baby, and my whole entire family (except for my sister, who remained with me) was glued to the nursery viewing window. I was in recovery for a long time. Chris came back once and said that Shaun had had a little trouble breathing, but was doing better. It was weeks later that I learned what had really happened. The nurses were bathing, measuring, etc. All of a sudden, my baby simply went limp. The nurses began flicking his toes, nudging him, trying to make him wake up. Then they closed the blinds to the nursery window. I saw all of this on video, after we were both safely home. I'm pretty fuzzy on all of the details, but the nurses were able to get him breathing again. Then there was a repeat of the whole non-breathing episode, which resulted in Shaun being put on a ventilator.
By this time, I was back in my room. We really didn't know what was going on. My family was with me, and of course Chris. A neonatalogist came into the room and I will never, ever forget her words as long as I live: "Smith family? Your baby is sick. Very sick." There was more, but I went into survival mode. I wanted to see him, so I was helped into a wheelchair and taken to the NICU. And there he was. Ventilated. Tubes everywhere. I remember feeling like all of this wasn't happening. I kept telling myself that this was all a dream. Except it wasn't.
The next morning the doctor came by again. She explained that Shaun wasn't able to breathe because he had blood in his lungs. A sample of this blood had been sent to the lab- we were waiting on the results. If the blood was mine, this would be great news. It would mean that Shaun had simply swallowed some of it during the delivery. If the blood was Shaun's, it would mean that his lungs were bleeding, and we were informed that there wasn't much that could be done for this. So we waited and prayed, my family and I. We received the news that the blood was indeed Shaun's. But then a funny thing happened. He began to try to breathe on his own, relying less and less on the ventilator. He was still somewhat unconsious, but at least he was able to breathe.
A week passed without much improvement. I was sent home. My family and I made multiple visits to the NICU each day. Tests and scans were performed. One night, the doctor was waiting for us. She brought us all into a room and gave us some bad news. Shaun wasn't getting better. CT scans indicated brain damage. He still had not opened his eyes. He remained unconsious, sleeping all the time. I will never, never, EVER forget the words of the doctor: "We've done all we can do for him. You need to go home and pray to your God".
And that's what we did. My dad prayed the hardest. I learned a few years later that he couldn't sleep that night, went outside, and basically exhausted himself praying for his first grandson. Begging God to heal him. And...when Chris stopped by the hospital on his way to work the next morning...Shaun's eyes were open! He was lifting his head, moving around. He'd turned a corner! God is good! The doctors were thrilled, but still cautious. We were warned that our child might not ever be able to walk or have the use of his left hand and arm. We were sent home from the hospital with instructions to schedule appointments for physical therapy and numerous specialists: neurologists, orthopedic surgeons, opthomologists, etc. Overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe what we felt.
But, we made it. With God's help and the help and support from our family, we made it. It was hard at first. The doctors appointments. The bad news. The setbacks. But, we all see where Shaun is now. He is a miracle. A walking testimony of God's healing power and protection. I pray for God to use Shaun and his story for His glory.
Ten. When I think back to all I was going through 10 years ago today, I can't help but get a little weepy.
Here are some pictures of my 10 year old! Mostly from my cellphone, as I still can't find my camera cord.
Riding his bike in the rain last summer. I still can't get over how skinny he was!
At Laguna Beach on his trip with his Dad.
With John Wayne. At John Wayne Airport!
In the cockpit.
Cute shot from a field trip.
With Elvis.
As a shepherd last Christmas.
Ministering to residents at Dogwood Forest. One my proudest moments of him.
With the Performing Arts Group.
Happy Birthday Shaun! We love you more and more each day. And we're so proud.
Not Me! Monday
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
I did NOT forget to hand out goody bags at Jordan's birthday party yesterday. These are NOT the same goody bags that I stressed over and made my Hubs make an emergency run to Party City to pick up on Saturday. I was also NOT too embarrassed to tell my Hubs that I made this mistake for fear that I'd never hear the end of it. Not Me!
I did NOT dream up a new laundry system for my home. I did NOT become extremely excited when I implemented said laundry system last week. I also most certainly did NOT make phone calls to let folks know how just how excited I was about my new system. I do NOT feel just a little sad that I became so worked up over a bunch of laundry. Not Me!
I did NOT allow my family to eat leftover party food for dinner last night. I know we need more nutrients than those found in chips and dip. Therefore, my children did NOT have chips and dip for both breakfast and lunch today. They are NOT eating more of it right now. I did NOT rationalize this by reasoning to myself that if they eat all of the leftovers today we can get back to eating healthy tomorrow. Not Me!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Righteousness
Chris and I are taking a class at church. We're currently in phase one of four (Foundation Phase) in The School of Discipleship. We love it! I love the fact that I'm learning so much that, really, I should have already known. I mean, really...I've been a Christian for 20 years! Grew up in church. I can literally say that we were there "every time the doors were open". Of course this is good. But I think that if a person grows up in church, hearing The Gospel over and over, sometimes basic truths can be taken for granted and, therefore, not fully understood.
Like righteousness.
Every week, our awesome instructor has said, repeatedly : "You've gotta understand righteousness. If you don't understand righteousness, you're not gonna get anything else. You. Must. Understand. Righteousness." Over and over I heard this. And, honestly, I began to tune it out. If my instructor ever reads this...I'm sorry! I didn't think I needed to hear it. I had heard this message all of my life. I DID understand righteousness!
Or so I thought.
Sometime yesterday it hit me. Righteousness. Wow. I am righteous. In other words, I am "in right standing with God". No matter what.
I've been saved. Born again. Whatever you want to call it, I am in covenant with God. Jesus' blood paid the way for me to be able to approach God just as I am. Faults, failures, and all. Not only can I approach God, but because my relationship with Him and his Son has made me righteous, I know I'll be accepted and loved by Him...always. No matter what.
Righteousness.
I don't have to be afraid to confess my sins when I slip up. He loves me anyway. I can still come to Him with my problems. I am still worthy to be in His presence. Jesus' blood has made me righteous.
Did you hear me correctly? I- dirty, sinful, carnal-I am righteous to stand before God- perfect, sinless, all-knowing, creator of the universe- God!
I've heard this my whole, entire life. But I really never "got it" until now. That He would take me back over and over again is truly a miracle. Something I should thank Him for every day. And I'm definitely going to start doing that!
So. Righteousness. How well do you understand it? I guarantee that if you really understand it, you're outlook on life has changed. I know mine has!
A huge thanks to Pastor J. Our fabulous instructor of the Foundations Stage for making sure I "got righteousness"!
Like righteousness.
Every week, our awesome instructor has said, repeatedly : "You've gotta understand righteousness. If you don't understand righteousness, you're not gonna get anything else. You. Must. Understand. Righteousness." Over and over I heard this. And, honestly, I began to tune it out. If my instructor ever reads this...I'm sorry! I didn't think I needed to hear it. I had heard this message all of my life. I DID understand righteousness!
Or so I thought.
Sometime yesterday it hit me. Righteousness. Wow. I am righteous. In other words, I am "in right standing with God". No matter what.
I've been saved. Born again. Whatever you want to call it, I am in covenant with God. Jesus' blood paid the way for me to be able to approach God just as I am. Faults, failures, and all. Not only can I approach God, but because my relationship with Him and his Son has made me righteous, I know I'll be accepted and loved by Him...always. No matter what.
Righteousness.
I don't have to be afraid to confess my sins when I slip up. He loves me anyway. I can still come to Him with my problems. I am still worthy to be in His presence. Jesus' blood has made me righteous.
Did you hear me correctly? I- dirty, sinful, carnal-I am righteous to stand before God- perfect, sinless, all-knowing, creator of the universe- God!
I've heard this my whole, entire life. But I really never "got it" until now. That He would take me back over and over again is truly a miracle. Something I should thank Him for every day. And I'm definitely going to start doing that!
So. Righteousness. How well do you understand it? I guarantee that if you really understand it, you're outlook on life has changed. I know mine has!
A huge thanks to Pastor J. Our fabulous instructor of the Foundations Stage for making sure I "got righteousness"!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Not Me! Monday
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
I did NOT completely forget that I promised my sister I'd baby-sit for her so that she could take her other children into the doctor's office for a check-up. When she called me that morning to say that she was on the way to drop off said children, I did NOT fail to answer her phone call because I was helping Shaun with his reading, thinking she was just calling to chat. My forgetfulness did NOT cause her to end up in an exam room with three children, one of which who pitched a screaming fit. I would never do that to her! Not Me!
I did NOT drop a dinner plate on top of my husband's iPhone, causing it's screen to look like this:
I did NOT address all of my kids' valentines myself at midnight the night before their Valentine Party. I also did NOT look at the list of names for about five minutes and, after envisioning the utter chaos that could potentially emerge from both boys trying to find every single individual person to deliver their individual valentine, decide to simply address each Valentine like so:
To: My Friend
From Shaun (or Jordan)
Not Me! I would never take the easy way out!
And finally...If you know me, you know that I DETEST food dyes. They make my children go nuts. I try to avoid them at all costs. So, I did NOT give in and let Jordan eat something that made his mouth look like this:
on the way home from our Valentine Party, just so he'd stop all the whining/crying/screeching. Not Me! I have nerves of steel and realize that if I give in to such behavior, he'll do it all the time, just to get his way.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Not Me! Monday
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
While shopping at Target for hair color last week, I did NOT become so engrossed in my task that I totally failed to notice Jordan as he knocked every single box of hair color off of the two bottom shelves. Not Me!
I did NOT feel the need to purchase a pregnancy test from Wal-Mart last night. Babies are blessings from God and I would love any blessing He chose to give me. So, I did NOT jump for joy in the bathroom when results of said pregnancy test came back negative. Not Me!
At the present moment, I do NOT have a ginormous mountain of laundry that needs to be folded and put away. I'm also NOT blogging and playing around on Facebook instead of tackling this chore. Not Me!
I did NOT stay up entirely too late one night last week watching reruns of "My So-Called Life" on Hulu.com. And I did NOT totally think it was worth it the next morning when I was so tired I could barely function.
Happy Monday, everyone!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Maniac
I was sooo looking forward to my trip to the grocery store today. Time by myself. Just me, my ipod, and Kroger. But it didn't happen. Chris was called back into work and I found myself in a panic. We had no food in the house. Zilch. Nada. Nothing to make for dinner. Nothing to snack on in place of dinner. NOTHING. I weighed my options: starve until tomorrow. Or take both kids with me to the grocery store. If it had just been me, I would have put it off until tomorrow. But it wasn't. I had 2 hungry boys on my hands. So I decided to go for it.
Jordan was in the bath tub when I made my decision. I walked into the bathroom and we had this conversation:
Me: Okay, Jordan. In just a minute we're going to the grocery store. If you're very good in there, you'll get a treat when we're finished. But you have to obey. You must stay sitting in the buggy the WHOLE time so that I can get finished. You MUST obey Mom. Do you understand what that means?
Jordan: Yes. I can't act like a maniac.
Me: Exactly!
I have no idea where he's heard the term "maniac" before.
Anyway, we all went to the grocery store. And everything went perfectly. Shaun walked beside me while watching a movie on his iPod. Jordan played Slingshot Cowboy on my phone. And I was able to get every last thing on my grocery list. Except for Almond milk. It was on sale, and they were fresh out.
Jordan stayed in his seat. Shaun didn't whine. And I didn't get the "look of pity" from a single stranger over my kids' behavior. Sweet success!
Jordan was in the bath tub when I made my decision. I walked into the bathroom and we had this conversation:
Me: Okay, Jordan. In just a minute we're going to the grocery store. If you're very good in there, you'll get a treat when we're finished. But you have to obey. You must stay sitting in the buggy the WHOLE time so that I can get finished. You MUST obey Mom. Do you understand what that means?
Jordan: Yes. I can't act like a maniac.
Me: Exactly!
I have no idea where he's heard the term "maniac" before.
Anyway, we all went to the grocery store. And everything went perfectly. Shaun walked beside me while watching a movie on his iPod. Jordan played Slingshot Cowboy on my phone. And I was able to get every last thing on my grocery list. Except for Almond milk. It was on sale, and they were fresh out.
Jordan stayed in his seat. Shaun didn't whine. And I didn't get the "look of pity" from a single stranger over my kids' behavior. Sweet success!
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