Spiritual Warfare

Really. I'm so amazed at the prayers, phone calls, and encouraging words I've received this week in response to my previous post. I had no idea that so many people actually read this blog of mine. I'm humbled. I'm grateful. I'm blessed to have each of you in my life. And I have felt your prayers this week. Thank you!

Last week was...um...something else, to say the least. I've never gone through something like this before. And I'm nervous about writing about it now. Its gonna sound weird. But God brought me through it, and I feel like I need to share my experience. So here goes:

First of all, I need to be clear that I am a Christian. Jesus lives in me. I've been born-again, my sins are all forgiven, and I'm going to Heaven when I die. I'm sure of all this. But, about 2 weeks ago, something began to feel "off". Strange. I felt a presence around me 24-7. Not a good presence. It was extremely unnerving. It began to fill my head with thoughts. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it was almost like a whisper in my ear. I told you this was gonna be weird! For a week I listened to this "voice" tell me that:

I'm no good. I'm a horrible mother. I'm not capable of taking care of my children. I'm not qualified to homeschool my kids. I'm a horrible wife. My marriage was a mistake. My children were mistakes. My husband doesn't love me. I don't love my husband. We never should have gotten married. I'd be better off single. My children would be better off if I left. My parents would do a better job taking care of them than I do.

There were more, but those were the main thoughts going through my mind all day long. For a week. At first I just wrote it off as a bout of depression brought on by all the rain and gloomy weather. But then I started believing it. All of it. Crazy, I know. These thoughts consumed everything I did. I didn't eat. I didn't spend time with the kids. I didn't do housework. I neglected Chris. I began to resent the fact that I had a family, because it all just seemed wrong. I did go to church, but I wasn't "really there". I withdrew from everything. I wanted to be by myself all the time, and when I was alone, I would contemplate how I was going to break the news to Chris that I was leaving.

These feeling built and built. My mom sensed something was wrong and offered to watch the kids one night so that Chris and I could go out. I got really excited. Not because we were going on a date, but because I was finally going to be in a situation where I could tell him how I felt. And I did. Hence the "Regret" post.

Chris was hurt. Crushed is more like it. I will never forgive myself for causing him that kind of pain. We got back home and he told me he was going to sleep with the kids because he just didn't know what to say to me. So he did. I, on the other hand, did not sleep at all. I tossed and turned. I listened to the "voice" as it told me that what I'd done that night made me an even more horrible person than I was before. I cried and cried.

I started begging God to help me, and that's when it hit me: I hadn't prayed or read my Bible in over a week. I was astonished that so much time had passed since I had spent time with God. But it was true. I immediately started praying. Begging God to help me and forgive me for every false thought I'd entertained. Pleading with Him to restore the damage I'd done to my marriage. After I was done, I felt as if a boulder had been lifted off my chest. Things were going to be okay! I fell asleep around 4 a.m. and slept like a baby.

I didn't get to talk to Chris before he left for work the next day. I spent that day praying and taking stock of my life. How in the world could I have thought my children were mistakes? How could I have believed any of those lies for even one second? And oh goodness, what was I supposed to say to my husband. "I'm sorry" certainly wouldn't cover it.

I realized that I had been through spiritual warfare in its finest. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that the presence I felt was demonic. That I had literally been walking around with a demon whispering lies to me. I had been under attack. And it wanted to take my family down with me. The worst part is that I listened! I was ready to divorce my husband and leave my children. Crazy. That's when I got mad. Really mad. The devil and his little cohorts should have had no authority over me. I'd dropped the ball, big time. And I'd almost thrown everything away.

I went through my entire house praying. Denouncing any demonic presences. Telling them they had no authority over me, my family, or my marriage. My uncle, who was doing some repairs on the house, probably thought I was going nuts! I felt light as a feather. Better than I had in weeks.

I had to talk to someone, so I called one of my best friends and told her all about it. And she said "Wow, I knew something like that was going on. Your voice was different when I talked to you on Monday. We've been praying so hard". Wow.

And then Chris came home. We had a long talk. After apologizing again and again, I began the story with "Now I know you're gonna think I'm crazy..."

But he didn't. He'd known something was going on all week, too. When I told him I'd been harassed by a demon, his response was "Is it gone? Did you get it out of here?" Wow again. And- he forgave me.

So, that's been my life for the past 2 weeks. Weird, huh. I've never been through something like that, and I hope it never happens again. The devil knows our weaknesses and he'll use anything to betray us.

I was trying to think back to when this all started. I think it was a few weeks ago. The kids and I were having an awful morning. Shaun would not listen to a thing I said. He was being so difficult. And I vaguely remember wondering to myself what in the world I was doing. I was so busy that day that I didn't get my quiet time in. Ditto for the day after. And the day after that. Then the rain started. The weather always gets me down, and the kids get antsy when they can't go outside and get their energy out. I was so overwhelmed that day. And I believe that was all it took. The Bible tells us that Satan is "The father of lies". I believed it before, but I really believe it now!

But, like always, I made it through. God is good!

I feel the need to stress here that the devil is real. Demons are real. I know that some Christians don't like to think about this, but its true. The devil is real and he's after you. He knows you. He knows your habits, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Example: he definitely knows that self-esteem has never been my strong point. I really struggle with self-doubt. So, that awful morning when I began to second-guess my ability to homeschool gave him a way in. He's sneaky like that. And the fact that I was missing out on my "alone" time with God opened the door even wider.

I've learned my lesson. I know what's true: I'm doing what God has called me to do. With my kids, with my marriage. We're destined for great things. I will never take my eyes off Him again.

Regret

I said some things tonight that I regret. Hurtful things. If you know me, then you know that I am prone to "word-vomit" from time to time. And tonight, I really let it fly.

This is complicated. My emotions are swirling. I don't regret feeling the way I do, but I do regret making my feelings known. I pray I haven't done irreversible damage to an already fragile relationship.

Please pray for me.

Out of the mouths of 9 year olds

While driving home from Cleveland today, I overheard (or listened in on, if you really must know!) this conversation between my children, in the backseat:

Jordan: Is Mamaw dead?
Shaun: Yes, Jordan, she's dead.
J: Why? Who killed her?
S: No one killed her. She just got cancer. So she died.
J: But is she at the church?
S: No. Just her body's still at the church. In the ground. But her soul's up in Heaven. I'll be up
there one day.
J: Me too?
S: You'd better hurry and get saved, Jordan.

Even though I had to swallow the lump in my throat, I had to smile, too. Priceless!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I know that it is so irresponsible to place items of value in one's back pockets instead of securing them in a purse or wallet. So NO WAY did I do this anyway while at the mall last Friday. And, since I DIDN'T place my entire family's movie tickets in the back pocket of my jeans, there's NO WAY that I lost them.

I did NOT become totally addicted to the "Twilight" saga. I realize that there are, in fact, no such things as vampires or werewolves, and that it would be silly to get caught up in such a thing. So, I did NOT stay up way, way past my bedtime reading. NOT ME! I also did NOT show up for Bible study minus my Bible and workbook, but with my new copy of Twilight tucked down in my purse, for later reading at Chick- fil- a (while the children played on the playground). I did NOT sit through my Bible study hoping that no one would see my book sticking out of my purse. NOT ME!

I did NOT rush through my morning and lunchtime routines in order to get Shaun to his physical therapy appointment on time today. I did NOT actually make it there on time, for once. So, I was NOT unpleasantly surprised to learn that our therapist had to leave early today due to a problem with her own children. When this happened, the receptionist did NOT forget to call me and let me know. So...I did NOT simply shrug off this news, reason that everyone makes mistakes, and chalk the receptionist's oversight up to a "Case of the Mondays". NOT ME! I'm way too high-strung and over-emotional to let something like that go!