The Amazing Madness of Motherhood: Ten

Shaun turned ten years old today. Ten. TEN. 10. Double digits. Alive for a decade. Ten. I think I'm in denial.

I've been thinking a lot about his life lately. My pregnancy, his birth, the struggles and triumphs he's been through. I think I'll share some of it now:

Before his birth. Shaun Clifton Smith was a complete and total surprise. I was only eighteen years old. Chris was 21. I laugh now at how easy we thought this all would be! I was so sure that I'd have a girl. All I knew about was girls. My mom had all sisters. I have only a sister. I grew up with all girl cousins. It was just a given that I'd have a girl, too. When the ultrasound tech announced that "The baby's a boy", I just looked at her and said "Uh-uh. Are you serious?" Its not that I really wanted a girl, I just hadn't entertained the idea of a boy. I soon got over it. We were all so excited to finally get a boy in the family!

Taking care of Shaun was easy while I was pregnant! Until the third trimester, that is. High blood pressure. Borderline pre-eclampsia. Nothing too terrible, though. I took my maternity leave two weeks before my actual due date. Being the naive girl I was back then, I was really looking forward to having two weeks to get caught up on my sleep. But. When I went in for my weekly appointment on day 2 of my "vacation", things changed. I took my grandmother with me to that appointment. My Mamaw. I miss her, but I'm so thankful to have this memory of her. My blood pressure was crazy, and baby Shaun wasn't looking great on the non-stress test.

My midwife came in and let me know that I'd need to head to the hospital for an induction if things didn't get better quickly. My words to her: "Go get my grandmother!" I was freaking out in a bad way. Midwife went to fetch Mamaw from the waiting room. When she finally made it back to me, I was a mess. Through my panic and tears, I told her what was going on. She just smiled. "Erin", she said. "Do you know what tomorrow is? Its Lori's birthday". Oh yes. My sister's 18th birthday. I had totally forgotten. With those words and her gentle way, she calmed me down. The decision was made to send me on to the hospital. I drove us there and we got all settled in. It was just me and Mamaw for about an hour, before Chris and the rest of the family were able to get there. How thankful I am that I had that time with her. She will always be such an intricate part of Shaun's birth story, and for that I am so grateful.

The Birth. So there I was. In the hospital. Ready for an induction the next morning. I began having some contractions that evening, while my parents were still there. Chris and I conviced them to go on home and come back in the morning. That night is such a blur. I began contracting more and more. I was out of it. I remember nurses rushing in several times and putting an oxygen mask on me. No one would tell us what was really going on. My parents came back in the middle of the night. I labored through the night and until the next morning. Nurses kept coming back in and adjusting my oxygen, changing my position, etc. We would later find out that Shaun was having a stroke. His heart rate became seriously low several times.

My doctor came on shift during shift change the next morning. By then, things had calmed down. My contractions had stopped, and Shaun was doing fine. We made the decision to go ahead with the induction. Things went smoothly until that afternoon. I was informed that I was only dilated 2 centimeters. The baby was still fine, so we kept on. Awhile later, Shaun's heartrate started dropping again. At 6:55 that night, Shaun made his appearance via emergency c-section.

He bit my doctors thumb during the delivery. We all got a laugh over that. I will never forget Chris' words. He leaned over me and whispered, "He's got my nose and your mouth". And he still does!

After the birth. The nurses then took my little Shaun across the room to clean him up. I noticed that he wasn't crying. I think I asked why. Then a few minutes later I heard him. I was so relieved! He was taken into the nursery for his bath and whatever it is they used to do back there. I was still in recovery. Chris was with the baby, and my whole entire family (except for my sister, who remained with me) was glued to the nursery viewing window. I was in recovery for a long time. Chris came back once and said that Shaun had had a little trouble breathing, but was doing better. It was weeks later that I learned what had really happened. The nurses were bathing, measuring, etc. All of a sudden, my baby simply went limp. The nurses began flicking his toes, nudging him, trying to make him wake up. Then they closed the blinds to the nursery window. I saw all of this on video, after we were both safely home. I'm pretty fuzzy on all of the details, but the nurses were able to get him breathing again. Then there was a repeat of the whole non-breathing episode, which resulted in Shaun being put on a ventilator.

By this time, I was back in my room. We really didn't know what was going on. My family was with me, and of course Chris. A neonatalogist came into the room and I will never, ever forget her words as long as I live: "Smith family? Your baby is sick. Very sick." There was more, but I went into survival mode. I wanted to see him, so I was helped into a wheelchair and taken to the NICU. And there he was. Ventilated. Tubes everywhere. I remember feeling like all of this wasn't happening. I kept telling myself that this was all a dream. Except it wasn't.

The next morning the doctor came by again. She explained that Shaun wasn't able to breathe because he had blood in his lungs. A sample of this blood had been sent to the lab- we were waiting on the results. If the blood was mine, this would be great news. It would mean that Shaun had simply swallowed some of it during the delivery. If the blood was Shaun's, it would mean that his lungs were bleeding, and we were informed that there wasn't much that could be done for this. So we waited and prayed, my family and I. We received the news that the blood was indeed Shaun's. But then a funny thing happened. He began to try to breathe on his own, relying less and less on the ventilator. He was still somewhat unconsious, but at least he was able to breathe.

A week passed without much improvement. I was sent home. My family and I made multiple visits to the NICU each day. Tests and scans were performed. One night, the doctor was waiting for us. She brought us all into a room and gave us some bad news. Shaun wasn't getting better. CT scans indicated brain damage. He still had not opened his eyes. He remained unconsious, sleeping all the time. I will never, never, EVER forget the words of the doctor: "We've done all we can do for him. You need to go home and pray to your God".

And that's what we did. My dad prayed the hardest. I learned a few years later that he couldn't sleep that night, went outside, and basically exhausted himself praying for his first grandson. Begging God to heal him. And...when Chris stopped by the hospital on his way to work the next morning...Shaun's eyes were open! He was lifting his head, moving around. He'd turned a corner! God is good! The doctors were thrilled, but still cautious. We were warned that our child might not ever be able to walk or have the use of his left hand and arm. We were sent home from the hospital with instructions to schedule appointments for physical therapy and numerous specialists: neurologists, orthopedic surgeons, opthomologists, etc. Overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe what we felt.

But, we made it. With God's help and the help and support from our family, we made it. It was hard at first. The doctors appointments. The bad news. The setbacks. But, we all see where Shaun is now. He is a miracle. A walking testimony of God's healing power and protection. I pray for God to use Shaun and his story for His glory.

Ten. When I think back to all I was going through 10 years ago today, I can't help but get a little weepy.

Here are some pictures of my 10 year old! Mostly from my cellphone, as I still can't find my camera cord.

Riding his bike in the rain last summer. I still can't get over how skinny he was!