Raw Honesty and a Little Encouragement

And so, we've had a rough few weeks.  Havoc has been wreaked on our household in the form of Violet.  Seriously, how could such a little person cause such malfunction in the way we do things?  

Several people told me that having a third child was no different than having a second.  Umm.  Well, no.  At least, not in our case.  I guess I was just a little out of practice.  It has been six years since we've had a baby in the house, and my boys have spoiled me.  They can take care of themselves!  They fix their own breakfast, dress themselves, and they sleep at night!  I really had forgotten how much little babies just don't sleep at night. In all honesty, I don't remember either one of my boys being "bad sleepers".  Or maybe I could just function with less sleep way back then.  Either way, the lack of sleep has definitely been getting to me.  

Also, I may or may not be experiencing post post-partum depression.  I can't really decide if I am or not...it depends on what day (or moment) I ask myself.  It was really bad last weekend.  I was so overwhelmed!  And tired.  Did I mention tired?  The tiredness makes it worse!  Violet hadn't slept in three nights and everything went crazy.  The house was a mess, we were running around everywhere- so busy!  And I shut down.  I was a total crazy lady.  So unreasonable.  And sad.  It didn't help matters when the Hubs offered to stay up with the baby and she slept all night for him.  At one point, I actually told Chris that I just needed to go somewhere for a week.  Anywhere!  Because I wasn't cut out to be the mother of a baby again.  And I couldn't handle the boys or Violet.  She didn't even like me! Why else would she cry all night?

This was on Saturday.  After my outburst, Chris said that it was time for me to come back to church.  Even if I didn't want to go, he said I needed to go.  Of course, I didn't want to go.  So he presented me with a bribe. He'd stay up with the baby all night Saturday night if I'd bring her to church the next day.  It was an offer I couldn't refuse, even though I definitely didn't feel like being around a ton of people and acting like everything was fine.  But, I was desperate for sleep and willing to do anything to get it.  

I was too exhausted to cook dinner that night, and nothing we had in the house was what I wanted, so we piled in the car to hit the drive through.  Only I was being unreasonable again and couldn't decide what I wanted- so I wound up getting nothing.  We came back home and realized that we only had 7 diapers in the house.  It was after 9:00 and I knew 7 diapers wouldn't last until after church the next day.  So I stormed out and drove to the Cleveland Wal-Mart, crying the whole way.  

Let me tell you, I looked amazing.  No make-up, huge black circles under my eyes, and sweats.  Yes, I went out in public that way.  I didn't think twice about it.  After I had purchased the diapers, I realized I was starving.  And the Cleveland Walmart has a Subway, and that bread was smelling so wonderful.  I got in line with my huge box of size Newborn diapers.  There was a couple in front of me.  They were friendly.  A little too friendly for me in my hormonal state, but nice enough.  They took forever with their sandwiches! They wanted meatball subs, and there wasn't enough meatballs, so the Subway worker had to go get more, and some other weird things happened, and it just took forever.  I really was about to fall asleep waiting in that line!  I propped myself up on the box of diapers while I waited.  Finally it was my turn to pay, and when I got my debit card out, the cashier told me that my food had been paid for.  Well, that woke me up!  I asked who had paid for it, and it was the couple in front of me.  The cashier said they paid for my meal because I had to wait on them for so long.  I don't know how I missed them having that conversation.  Maybe I really did fall asleep for a little bit.  Ha!

Thankfully, the couple had ordered for "here" and were eating their sandwiches at a nearby table.  I went to thank them for their kindness with more tears in my eyes.  That sweet lady had noticed my box of Newborn diapers and thought I needed some encouragement.  How right she was, and she did encourage me a lot!

I couldn't find the words to tell this woman how much her act of kindness meant to me.  I don't know if she had kids of her own or had any idea of the hard time I'd been having, but she reached out to me and it was just what I needed.  My spirit was lifted and I had a new outlook on things.  I'm so thankful for this sweet couple, and I don't even know their names.  They could be angels for all I know... sent from Heaven to enjoy a meatball sub and encourage me.    

Violet's Birth Day

Today is September 13th.  It's my due date!  And Violet Victoria Smith is two weeks old today!

I've been meaning to document her birth day for... well... two weeks now but I haven't found the time or the energy.  It's crazy how one little newborn can turn your household upside down!  I don't want to forget anything about the day she joined us, so here it is:

Chris and I woke up bright and early and arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. on August 30th.  The boys had spent the night with my parents, so it was just the two of us getting ready that morning.  We were both kind of quiet.  We were tired and nervous!  We made it to the hospital on time, which is a miracle in itself.  Once we were there, I got in bed and my nurse came in to monitor the baby and start my fluids.  Violet had to have one last laugh with us before her arrival- she hid from the monitor AGAIN!  She had been so hard to monitor from the get-go.  I thought it was funny.  

The nurse finally found her and then all we had to do was wait. This was different because my first two c-sections were emergencies and there was no down time to wait and think about what was about to happen.  This time, we were stuck with nothing to do except to think about what was about to happen!  We had about an hour left to go until surgery time.  It was a really long hour!  My sister and grandmother came around 7:00, followed by my parents and the boys shortly after. Jordan wore his "fancy clothes":  jeans, his t-shirt with a necktie printed on it, and his sports jacket.  He wanted to look nice the first time he met his sister!  Everyone was able to come back and visit with me a little while, which helped pass the time.  When the anesthesiologist came in, Chris gave me the thumbs up sign.  He thought she was the best.  And she was!  We'd met before, and I knew I liked her.  I told her how nervous I was about that stupid spinal needle and she remembered that I'd had a lumbar puncture two years ago.  She assured me that this needle was way smaller and that everything would be fine.  

Five minutes later, we were ready to roll.  The doctors let Chris stay with me the whole time.  Usually dads aren't allowed in until the spinal block is in and the surgery has already started, but since Chris was used to seeing everything they let him stay with me.  As we entered the room, I heard music.  You know the episode of Grey's Anatomy when pregnant Callie is in the car accident and almost dies?  The "musical" episode?  The song Callie sings when she's having an out of body experience because she's at death's door was playing in the operating room.  When I came into the room "If I lay here, if I just lay here, will you lay with me and just forget the world" met my ears.  Just slightly unnerving!

As I was getting into position to get the spinal, I hissed to Chris, "Do you hear that song?  That's the song from Grey's Anatomy that played when Dr. Torres was pregnant and almost died!"  Chris just looked at me and raised his eyebrows.  So did the anesthesiologist.  She even asked me if I wanted them to turn off the music.  I composed myself and got ready for the needle.  I only freaked out a little bit.  Chris held me up the whole time.  That helped.  And then it was over.  

I laid back on the table and waited for forever for my body to go numb.  I tried not to think about what was going on, but it was hard!  It seemed like I was lying there for hours...I'm not sure what exactly the doctor was doing all that time.  Chris watched the whole time and assured me that I didn't want to know!  Finally, he looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said excitedly, "She's almost here!"

And then, there she was!  Dr. Martin looked over the curtain thingy at me and said, "Here she is... what a big girl!"  I didn't hear her cry, and the flashbacks from Shaun's birth started.  I asked why she wasn't crying and my sweet anesthesiologist bent down to me and told me that she had just swallowed some fluid and that she'd cry as soon as it was cleared out.  Sure enough, a few seconds later Violet's cry filled the room.  I got a quick glimpse at her sweet little face before the nurses took her across the room to clean her up.  Chris went with her, and I kept asking whoever was listening if she was okay.  Everyone assured me that she was perfect, and then a nurse shouted out her stats:  8 pounds, 1 ounce.  20 2/3 inches long.  I'll never forget watching Chris' face when all this was going on.  He didn't stop smiling the entire time!  Of course, I cried, and my anesthesiologist rescued me again by wiping my tears.  

A few minutes later, Chris brought her over to me.  I couldn't hold her or even touch her because my arms were still secured, so he put her face close to mine and someone snapped this picture:

I love it.  I love her!

The nurses and Chris took her away to the recovery room for her bath while I was being stitched up.  Again, this took forever.  About halfway through the whole thing, I realized that I could see everything that was going on over the curtain in the reflection of the light over my head.  So I watched a little.  I saw my uterus, which was strange.  But it helped pass the time!  Chris took this picture in the recovery room, before Violet had her bath.

Finally I was ready to go to the recovery room.  They gave Violet to me and I was able to nurse her for a little bit.  I was clueless about what to do, so a nurse was helping me.  She had just finished telling me to not worry about the baby not being able to breathe because she would push away from me if she couldn't get her breath.  That's when I noticed that Violet looked kind of purple.  I said so to the nurse and she scooped her up and back over to the bassinet.  It turned out that Violet had just swallowed a good bit of fluid as she was being born and was getting choked on it.  She was fine a a few minutes and in my arms again.  

By this time, almost an hour had passed and I knew my family was getting restless in the waiting room.  Only two people were allowed in to see me at a time, so Chris went to get my mom.  A few minutes later my granny, sister, and mother-in-law came back.  No kids were allowed in the recover room.  :(  A short time later, I was ready to go to my room.  As I was being rolled down the hall, I saw my sweet boys through the waiting room door.  They escaped the clutches of my family and burst through that door!  Fortunately, my nurses were all awesome and let them walk with me to my room.  

Once we were in my room, Shaun and Jordan were finally able to see their sister.  And they fell in love!

Just Us Five!

Here's a funny picture of the boys with my nurse.  I can't say enough good things about all of my nurses.  They were absolutely wonderful.

A little while later, the boys got hungry and Chris took them to lunch.  While they were gone, someone knocked on the door.  Dr. Onal, our pediatrician stuck his head in the door and exclaimed, "I came as soon as I heard!"  I was so glad to see him.  He's the greatest doctor in the world.  We've been through a lot together, and he was so excited for us.  He examined Violet and announced that she was perfect.  As if we didn't know that already!

For the rest of the day, we relaxed and enjoyed showing Violet off to all of her visitors.  It was so surreal that we were able to keep her in the room with us.  We've never had that option before.  A constant prayer of thanks stayed in the back of my mind for the entire day.  When you've had sick babies, you don't take healthy ones for granted, and we were so, so thankful for a healthy baby girl. 

Here are a few more shots from Violet's first day, taken by my friend Kelli:

Happy Two Weeks, sweet Violet!