From Last May

This post is from last May, almost exactly a year ago.  I posted over on my private page at that time, but re-read it tonight and I thought someone else might need to hear my point of view.  So here goes...

 

 

It's been awhile since I've been here.  I have lots to say, on this private blog.  Ha!  For tonight, though, I want to write about this weekend.  I bought Violet a unicorn float to take to the pool at the YMCA.  As it turned out, she (the float) was too big for the pool, so we took her to the lake a few days later.  No big deal, except for the fact that I've gained weight.  A lot of it.  That's for tomorrow's post, though. 

 

haven't worn my swimming suit since we were at the beach last October.  It still fit, but I stayed in my room and cried for 30 minutes after I saw myself in the mirror.  I determined that there was no way in HELL that I was going to be seen in any kind of bathing suit until I lost some weight.  I almost stayed home, but Chris made me get in the car.

 

We got to the lake, and surprisingly, I wasn't the fattest person there.  I still wasn't swimming, though, and sat on the shore in the scorching sun with my clothes on over my suit and watched everyone else swim.  After a while, Violet came out of the water and asked me to swim with her.  I looked at her little face and said, okay, I'd swim.  Ya'll.  She was so happy.  She jumped up and down and screamed with joy.  Just because I said I'd swim with her.

 

I realized some things that afternoon:

  

1.  I may be overweight, but my kids don't care.  They love me and want to have fun.  That's it.

 

2.  No one at that lake really cared what I looked like anyway.  I was so self-conscious and literally didn't see anyone cast a second glance at me.  

3.  I've lost out on a LOT of good experiences because I was too embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  Not only me, but my kids lost out on having a mom to play with.  This hurts my heart.

 

So.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to love myself the way I am.  No matter how much I weigh.  No Body Shame, and all that.  Now, does this mean that I need to totally give up on getting healthy?  Absolutely not.  But being fat is not a reason to miss out of life.  

More later. 

..................................

We went back to that same spot on the lake this past weekend.  I'm still the same size as I was last summer, which is disappointing- but not really surprising-, but I didn't miss out.  I swam with my family and felt refreshed for the first time in a week.  

 

Mamas...seriously.  Your kids don't care what you look like.  All they care about is spending time with you.   Believe me when I say that you will regret sitting out at the lake or pool in a few years.  

 

I know its hard for some of us, but love yourself where you are.  You are a child of God, after all. 

 

   

WW

Well, here I am again.  Trying to lose weight.  Honestly, it's not even about how much I weigh (which is a whole lot).  It's about being healthy and feeling better.  I feel terrible.  Hot all the time.  Tired all the time.  I can't paint my own toenails.  I'm out of control with my eating.  Basically, the same thing I've been writing about since 2010.  

That's a long time.  

Too long.  My oldest son is 19 years old, and I've been fat his entire life.  

At the end of last year, I had some minor complications with my heart.  Basically, my cardiologist told me that the issue is entirely dependent on my blood pressure.  I need to keep it low, so I'm on two medications for it.  He also told me that I need to lose weight and suggested I try a variation of Keto, but minus all the high fat.  I have failed drastically.  Almost 6 months later, and I weigh the same, if not more.  

A few  months ago, I was feeling frantic and just desperate for a solution.  On a whim, I signed up for Weight Watchers...er, WW.  Did you know that Weight Watchers isn't Weight Watchers anymore?  They have rebranded themselves as WW. Wellness Wins.  The plan has changed a lot since I had first tried it almost 20 years ago.  It's clean eating.  Low carb if I limit fruit.  Pretty much spot on with what my cardiologist wants me to do, but I do have some flexibility.  So I signed myself up for 6 months on the online program.  For the past few months, I've paid Weight Watchers  WW $20 for absolutely nothing.  

No more.  I started today AGAIN, and I'm documenting it here in hopes that it will hold me accountable.  If I write it, I must do it, right?  Let's hope so.