Writing Again

My husband and I were riding alone in the car the other day, which is a rare occasion, and out of the blue he asks why I never write anymore.

Why don't I ever write anymore?

First of all, I'm tired.  Secondly, no one writes blogs anymore.  Vlogs, maybe, at least according to my YouTube-obsessed seven year old.  But I hate having my picture taken and I hate being video'd even worse.  

I asked Chris why he cared that I had gone many, many months without an entry here.  (I was really grouchy... it was late and we had been out Christmas shopping for most of the day.)  His response?  That I liked doing it and he liked reading it.  

So there you go.  This is all I've got for tonight, but my plan is to be spending more time on this out-of-date blog of mine.  

See you soon. 

From Last May

This post is from last May, almost exactly a year ago.  I posted over on my private page at that time, but re-read it tonight and I thought someone else might need to hear my point of view.  So here goes...

 

 

It's been awhile since I've been here.  I have lots to say, on this private blog.  Ha!  For tonight, though, I want to write about this weekend.  I bought Violet a unicorn float to take to the pool at the YMCA.  As it turned out, she (the float) was too big for the pool, so we took her to the lake a few days later.  No big deal, except for the fact that I've gained weight.  A lot of it.  That's for tomorrow's post, though. 

 

haven't worn my swimming suit since we were at the beach last October.  It still fit, but I stayed in my room and cried for 30 minutes after I saw myself in the mirror.  I determined that there was no way in HELL that I was going to be seen in any kind of bathing suit until I lost some weight.  I almost stayed home, but Chris made me get in the car.

 

We got to the lake, and surprisingly, I wasn't the fattest person there.  I still wasn't swimming, though, and sat on the shore in the scorching sun with my clothes on over my suit and watched everyone else swim.  After a while, Violet came out of the water and asked me to swim with her.  I looked at her little face and said, okay, I'd swim.  Ya'll.  She was so happy.  She jumped up and down and screamed with joy.  Just because I said I'd swim with her.

 

I realized some things that afternoon:

  

1.  I may be overweight, but my kids don't care.  They love me and want to have fun.  That's it.

 

2.  No one at that lake really cared what I looked like anyway.  I was so self-conscious and literally didn't see anyone cast a second glance at me.  

3.  I've lost out on a LOT of good experiences because I was too embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  Not only me, but my kids lost out on having a mom to play with.  This hurts my heart.

 

So.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to love myself the way I am.  No matter how much I weigh.  No Body Shame, and all that.  Now, does this mean that I need to totally give up on getting healthy?  Absolutely not.  But being fat is not a reason to miss out of life.  

More later. 

..................................

We went back to that same spot on the lake this past weekend.  I'm still the same size as I was last summer, which is disappointing- but not really surprising-, but I didn't miss out.  I swam with my family and felt refreshed for the first time in a week.  

 

Mamas...seriously.  Your kids don't care what you look like.  All they care about is spending time with you.   Believe me when I say that you will regret sitting out at the lake or pool in a few years.  

 

I know its hard for some of us, but love yourself where you are.  You are a child of God, after all. 

 

   

WW

Well, here I am again.  Trying to lose weight.  Honestly, it's not even about how much I weigh (which is a whole lot).  It's about being healthy and feeling better.  I feel terrible.  Hot all the time.  Tired all the time.  I can't paint my own toenails.  I'm out of control with my eating.  Basically, the same thing I've been writing about since 2010.  

That's a long time.  

Too long.  My oldest son is 19 years old, and I've been fat his entire life.  

At the end of last year, I had some minor complications with my heart.  Basically, my cardiologist told me that the issue is entirely dependent on my blood pressure.  I need to keep it low, so I'm on two medications for it.  He also told me that I need to lose weight and suggested I try a variation of Keto, but minus all the high fat.  I have failed drastically.  Almost 6 months later, and I weigh the same, if not more.  

A few  months ago, I was feeling frantic and just desperate for a solution.  On a whim, I signed up for Weight Watchers...er, WW.  Did you know that Weight Watchers isn't Weight Watchers anymore?  They have rebranded themselves as WW. Wellness Wins.  The plan has changed a lot since I had first tried it almost 20 years ago.  It's clean eating.  Low carb if I limit fruit.  Pretty much spot on with what my cardiologist wants me to do, but I do have some flexibility.  So I signed myself up for 6 months on the online program.  For the past few months, I've paid Weight Watchers  WW $20 for absolutely nothing.  

No more.  I started today AGAIN, and I'm documenting it here in hopes that it will hold me accountable.  If I write it, I must do it, right?  Let's hope so.  

Jeff

The past few weeks have been kind of crazy (as usual) and I've been somewhat emotional (more than usual).  Last week was Spring Break, and I just needed some good news, some encouragement, SOMETHING to let me know that I'm on the right path and haven't royally screwed my children up by schooling them at home.  It was just one of those weeks.  I know you know.  

The kids and I made a trip to Walmart to pick up a birthday present and, on the way back home, they all three wanted to stop at the park.  I really needed to get home so that I would have time to wash my hair and look presentable for church that night, but it is such a rare occurrence to have all three of my kids want to do the same thing at the same time, and the weather was so beautiful.  I said YES to the park.  

The boys went to throw the baseball, Violet ran to the swings, and I went to sit in the shade and enjoy the day. I really needed a peaceful moment, and I was really surprised that there was only one more family at the park since the day was so gorgeous.  Aside from a dad and his son, we had the place to ourselves.  

I had enjoyed the tranquility for about 1 minute, literally, when the dad came and sat down under the pavilion a few tables away from me.  I didn't make eye contact for several reasons.  1-  I'm an introvert.  I don't go out of my way to talk to people I don't know.  2- Idle chit chat is so awkward to me.  It's almost painful.  3-  I was really enjoying the solitude.

But this guy, he wanted to talk.  The very first thing he said to me was, "Is that your boy out there, throwing the baseball?"  

I glanced up at him and said that yes, both of them were my boys.  Then I went back to my book.  

He kept on.  "That's pretty amazing the way he does that.  Does he have cerebral palsy?"

Okay, woah.  Several things started happening at once.  I realized that he was referring to Shaun, not Jordan...most people don't refer to my oldest son as a "boy" anymore.   And then my Mama Bear  started to come out.  I immediately became defensive.  In general, even after 19 years, I'm still not very comfortable discussing this diagnosis.  Especially with some strange man in a park, when I was trying to clear my head.  I thought to myself.  "How rude!  What a thing to say to someone you don't even know.  What's wrong with this guy?"

I don't know for sure what my face looked like, but I have an idea.  I tend to wear my feelings on my face.  It's an unfortunate characteristic.  I did manage to keep my words from getting away with me, though, when I answered, "Yes.  He does."

Back to my book.  I really wanted this guy to get on with his life and leave me alone.  But no.  He said again, "That's pretty awesome how he does that."  

He's right.  It is amazing that Shaun can throw and catch a baseball with just one hand.  I began to think that maybe this guy might be okay after all.  He went on.  "My grandfather had cerebral palsy.  Pretty similar to your boy.  He couldn't use his right side and couldn't talk very well.  It never held him back, though.  He coached baseball and worked for the State of Georgia until he retired last year.  Here's a picture of him on his retirement cruise."

I spent the next half-hour being encouraged by this complete stranger at the park.  He encouraged me as a mother by complimenting the fact that I allow Shaun to try new things.  He showed empathy to me as we discussed the hardships people with CP face.  And then, the boys came over to the pavilion and he spent some more time encouraging them.  

He watched them play ball, bragged on Shaun's ability and told him to never let anything hold him back.  He also told both boys to always have each other's back.  Before he left, he shook Shaun's hand and said, "I'm Jeff and it was nice to meet you."

I loved the way he treated my grown up son just what he is... a grown up.  He didn't talk to him like a little kid.  He genuinely listened.  He made him feel important.  

Then he scooped up his son and left.  

As far as I'm concerned, this Jeff guy was an angel sent to encourage all of us that afternoon.  I definitely  needed that conversation more than I needed to wash my hair.  (Which didn't happen. Hat day.  Ha!)

Why am I even bothering to write this?  I guess it's to encourage someone to get out of their comfort zone.  Talking to a stranger about my personal life was something I never would have wanted to do.  In fact, I contemplated moving to a different spot in the park after he asked his first question.  And truthfully, I judged this guy a little.  I wondered what kind of a guy hangs out at the park in the middle of the day.  A slacker with no job?  Maybe he was thinking the same thing about me, who knows?  

I tend to internalize everything.  There's usually a running dialogue in my head about...everything.  I talk to myself and even answer myself sometimes.  I go replay situations and possible outcomes over and over.  This is all fine and good, but had I kept to myself on that afternoon I would have really missed out.  I believe in divine interventions.  I needed some time to myself that day, but God knew that I needed some conversation even more.  

So, Jeff.  Whoever you are.  You'll probably never read this, but I pray someone blesses you just as much as you blessed us last week.  

 

Our Crazy Life

So...if you've known me for any time at all, you know that one word that describes my family is "B U S Y".  

We.  Are.  So.  Busy.

Have been for years, and I've always liked it that way.  We all have tough schedules.  All five of us have commitments, work, practices, etc.  I have always taken pride in succeeding in the great balancing act of getting everyone where they needed to go.  Of course, we couldn't have done it without the help of my parents... they help out a LOT, shuttling my kids to dance class, dinners, track practices, and much much more.  

Don't get me wrong.  I love watching my kids do what they love.  But lately, over the past year, it's been so much.  So stressful.  I'm not sure if I'm getting older or what, but my anxiety began showing itself on a daily basis about a year ago, and it's getting worse.  This current school year's activities have been more than we've ever had to deal with before.  It started with Jordan playing middle school football, I think, and just sort of escalated.  Practice every day, all through the summer.  Chris was awarded the opportunity to coach his team, which we love, but it adds to it all! Then came basketball and now baseball.  Same for Shaun, plus he began getting getting very active in Special Olympics.  Violet dances and just started soccer last week.  Which Chris is also coaching, by the way.  I'm trying to school the kids, work when I can, and get everyone where they need be, which is sometimes three kids in three different places at the same time.  Again, enter my parents.  We really couldn't do it without them.  

It's getting to me.  I'm tired.  Stressed.  I never really understood anxiety until I wound up at the doctor's office a few years ago, thinking that I was having a heart attack.  My heart was fine, I was just having anxiety.  Yes, I'm on medication.  And lots of essential oils.  It worked for awhile, now I'm not sure what's up.  I knew I really had a problem a few weeks ago when I was paralyzed with fear in the parking lot at Dinger's.  That's a batting cage, in case you're wondering.  Jordan had baseball practice and the parking lot was so busy.  I literally could NOT back of my parking space to leave because I was afraid I'd hit someone.  Crazy and embarrassing.  I had to wait 20 minutes until the parking lot cleared out, and then I was late to work.  

There have been other things to, but that's the funniest one.  

So, what gives?  Something has to give.  Remember my last post?  I'm supposed to be strong and dignified.  There's nothing strong or dignified about cowering in a minivan in the parking lot of Dinger's while my kids roll their eyes.  Just seeing that sentence typed out is ridiculous. 

I know that this is not the way to live, so I'm actively praying and considering everything in my life... things to let go, things to keep on.  I haven't had any clear answers yet.  In the meantime, I'll go to another counseling appointment and keep repeating Psalm 94:13 to myself:

"God gives me the power to keep myself calm in the days of adversity, until the pit of corruption is dug for the wicked."

I'd appreciate your prayers...and any advice on dealing with this beast called anxiety. 

 

Proverbs 31:25

Well, I'd like to say that I plan to start writing again, but I probably won't.  I miss it, I enjoy it, I just don't have the time for it.  I am going to start making more of an effort, though, because it's so therapeutic for me.

It's a new year.  2018 was something else. We have had our share of ups and downs before, but this past year was a doozy that left our heads spinning.  Lots of mountaintops and also lots of deep, dark valleys.  

It seems like Chris and I would go from exhilarated to the depths of despair several times in just one week.... for the whole year.  I was tired of the struggle and just not feeling it on January 31st.  

Then, I received a Facebook message from a friend of mine.  Not a close friend, as in someone I talk to often, as our paths rarely cross.  We didn't even have each other's phone numbers.  But she messaged me and said that she'd had a dream about me and that she'd like to tell me about it.  And that she knew that she sounded crazy.  Ha!

I called her and she proceeded to tell me about this dream.  Jackie, if you're reading this and I'm messing up your dream, I'm sorry!  This is just what I remember.  

The dream:

I was in the middle of a field of wild flowers.  I was dancing.  The Lord's hand was reaching down to me from the sky and twirling me around.  I was laughing and joyful.  And, (this is my favorite part) I was barefoot, but my feet were wrapped up in some kind of material.  As the Lord spun me around, the bindings were unraveling off my feet.  As all this as happening, Proverbs 31:25 made itself known:

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."

My friend then began to tell me the things the Lord had revealed to her about my life.  Things like:  the things that are binding me will be falling away, I will get my joy back, and I will not be afraid of what's going to happen in the future any more.  That God loves me, that He has a purpose for me, and that I'm about to start living out that purpose.  

I really didn't know what to say.  So I cried, of course.  

I cried even harder when I realized that my mom had given me a necklace with that same scripture on it for Christmas just a few days before.  

Needless to say, Proverbs 31:25 will be my verse this year.  I don't really see myself as strong or dignified...yet.  But with God's help, I will become both of those things.  And I will laugh without fear of the future.  

Sometimes I have to strain to hear God's voice.  I'm thankful for other times, like these, when He's loud and proud and there's no way I can mistake what He's trying to tell me.  

And to my sweet friend Jackie.... thank you for sharing your heart with me.  I needed it.